The InQueery is America’s leading gay research corporation. We strive to deliver cutting edge reporting on queer trends, behavior and artifacts.
Tour The InQueery’s Corporate Headquarters
Welcome to InQueery HQ. As you explore our sprawling campus, centered around a converted Snapple™ factory at a still-undisclosed location, you’ll find that we’re much more than the “rainbow-capitalist corporate shill” and “Big Brother of corporate faggotry” the pundits have claimed. In our state-of-the art laboratories, corporate suites, and media zones, you’ll witness firsthand our tireless commitment to furthering the gay agenda. It is the cutting-edge research happening within these walls that lets us fulfill our mission: to educate the public on the most critical and up-to-date cultural phenomena in gay America.
Before entering, please sign the NDA at the door.
Today you’ll find InQueery founder Greg, ushering a field trip of schoolchildren into our beloved gaytrium, one of many hallowed art spaces here on campus. The gaytrium is used primarily for see-and-be-seen gallery openings. (As a rule, all guests must wait a minimum of 20 minutes before seeing their scheduled appointments.) On your left, feel free to admire our salon-style wall of corporate collaborations, celebrating the contributions by Nintendo, Sweetgreen, and NASA to the fight for queer rights. And yes, just ahead is our custom aqueerium, abounding with day-glo rocks, designer treasure chests, and not a single living fish! Say hello to InQueery deputy editor David—and no, that’s not an FBI house-arrest anklet! Be sure to take a selfie with our one-of-a-kind siren sculpture, donated in 2010 by noted ally Julianne Moore.
Sector I – Open labs
This is where some of our most critical work is underway. Environmental scientists and gay ergonomists hash out the future of the “gay grip” at the ongoing Iced Coffee Symposium (ICS); former window designers from Manhattan’s finest department stores experiment with large-scale snow globes; and the UN Commission on Tote Bags (UNOTB) led by Sam, measures for an optimal sack-to-shoulder ratio. Don’t miss our stunning portraits of gay icons Bert and Ernie—their same-sex-compatible muppet genitalia were developed in this very room!
Sector II – Fabrication facility
Welcome to Sector II, the fabrication facility, where queer art thrives! Grab a BPA-free dildo as you pass through our bondage studio, and be sure to tag our friend/sponsor Williams Sonoma on your OnlyFans! Get blasted with a spritz of our fall fragrance crafted for Le Labo, then saunter over to the screening room, where you can join Disney execs for screenings of the new, gay-friendly Disney+ series Love, Portia and Star Wars: The Bisexual.
You won’t want to miss a single inch of the grounds of Sector II! There’s Marvin, our head of photography, mastering the art of the French Bulldog Selfie—a time-honored gay male tradition! Our in-house Lululemon rep Sebastian leads a Warrior Three Body Sculpt workshop, testing new smart fabrics before the government can get their hands on them. Plop down next to staff writer Stephanie and ask for her hot takes on Netflix’s trashiest new docuseries. Be sure to spend some meditative time by our Frank Ocean Channel Orange fountain. Then, ponder the meaning of $erpent$hrine, a sculpture conceived by Lady Gaga during her residency at the Marina Abramovic Institute.
Sector III – Corporate suites
Welcome to Sector III of InQueery HQ: our corporate suites. Take a load off in the rec room, where you can observe gaymer specialists reporting on queer cat villagers in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Among stacks of memoranda on our deputy editor’s desk is an original snowglobe from the set of Unfaithful. (Don’t you just love Diane Lane?) And don’t tell Space Force if you spot a gaylien or two lurking around this floor!
Put your gloves on and get to work on the second floor, where you can help sort through troves of vintage Playbills, pick herbs from our copy editor’s Nora’s desk, and categorize all manner of queer objects—from Pokéballs to Renée Zellweger’s Oscar trophy! Stop by our arts and crafts station, where the remnants of a “painting and pinot” bachelorette party are currently under investigaytion. If you fancy yourself an ice princess, try on a chain or quearring and review it for our jewelry analytics team.
Here on the roof, you can bum a cig off staff illustrator MouseMouse, and visit one of two signature iced coffee bars. Give the interns your input as they dream up new app collaborations with Nike and the NSA.
Outside Sector III, take a whirl through our retail marketplace, which includes Magic Doggie Day Spa, Toss’d (our take on a trendy fast-casual salad restaurant, now in beta testing) and The Gaily Bread, a bakery serving only queer confections. (All shops on campus accept major credit cards and Queercoin, our proprietary cryptocurrency.) Then hit up our obsergaytion tower, where you can study everything queer in the cosmos, from shooting stars and black holes to the beefy bears of Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.
Sector IV – Performance & Media Center
Here in Sector IV, we let the artists take the reins of their corporate identities! Take a seat in the performance center for local drag homages to Jojo, and marvel at blown-up images of Dianne Wiest and Audra McDonald at the Playbill waterfall display wall. And find out just how gay Dumbledore actually was with a visit to the restricted books section in the library!
Sector V – The Tank
Here’s Sector V, which we lovingly refer to as the tank. On the first and second floor, take a winding walk through queer history up our Guggenheim inspired staircase, from the Compton Cafeteria Riots to Nick Jonas confirming that he’s not in fact gay. Gag in awe as you enter The Scott E. Stevenson Institute for Queer Costume and Apparel. The countless gay garments on display include the May Queen dress from Midsommar, Claire Dane’s angel wings from Romeo + Juliet, Meryl Steep’s dishwashing gloves from The Hours, and Ursula’s lipstick from The Little Mermaid.
Take a seat on a queer chair prototype in our observation pavillion, and don’t forget to give our resident Afghan Hound, Theresa, a nose boop on your way up the great glass elevator. From the roof, you can help our researchers tend to a garden of carnivorous plants crossbred from Little Shop of Horrors, Super Mario World and Batman and Robin. And look below! An associate entomologist transports termites to Sector V in one of our trademarked hot-pink golf carts.
What lies beyond the walls of the InQueery corporate campus, you may ask? While we can’t legally endorse cruising in the wooded conservation area surrounding our campus, we can heartily recommend a Virginia Woolf-esque afternoon of silent contemplation in the gayzebo. The rest is up to you!