Case 010: The Frenchie Selfiefiled October 15, 2019
While compiling its quarterly report on spending and housing, The InQueery’s analytics team came upon a surprising trend among gays of all socioeconomic backgrounds. It seems that in the annals of Instagram, Grindr and Scruff, no gay worth his Crossfit membership can go a day without an easy, breezy, tits-out boudoir shot featuring the hottest breed of the last five years: The French Bulldog. What cultural movements could lead to this convergence of polished, hyper-curated men—and poorly-bred beasts?
“Isn’t she adorable?” exclaimed Greyson Martinez, a Mid-City Los Angeles Soul Cycle instructor, as he cradled his snorting Bulldog, Quindlance. “We just love taking naps together. I don’t need a boyfriend when I get to snuggle with 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 cutie every morning!”
“I think it’s sick and these people should be punished!” cried out a Bushwick-based dogwalker, who asked to remain nameless. “They’re perpetuating not only a corrupt, abusive industry, but enforcing inbreeding to unprecedented extremes. These dogs can’t even walk properly!”
Others we spoke to agree that they are likely to swipe or double tap a canine cuddle puddle. “Finally,” one parched Provincetown tourist said to us, “I was a big fan of Modern Family, so I love to scroll past them on my Facebook feed. It’s all about the dogs!”
While The InQueery’s standards forbid us from commenting on the morality of the breeding industry, we can provide you with every hack you need for your perfect pig-dog portrait. Here’s three tips to keep you and your pooch together—yet possibly alone—forever!
Showcase that body!
Our metrics show that for French Bulldog photography to soar, it must involve a shirtless owner, loose bedding and a hazy morning light. Have your tripod ready to fire at about 7:30am, lay on your side, and position your pet just in the nook of your underarm. The resulting pic is the equivalent of the straight-guy-holding-a-fish-go-to-Tinder trap!
Highlight that hair!
The reason for the French Bulldog’s surge in popularity? According to owners surveyed, their dogs’ near-alien looks make the owners look even hotter in contrast! And though there’s been some debate about whether having a hideous animal on your person only makes you look like its relative, it doesn’t seem to matter to the Bulldog community. To best resemble your dog, we recommend a close buzz, which make your eyes and ears pop. You’ll look like twins!
Feature that face!
Research indicates that the more photos an owner posts, the likelier their follower count is to thrive. Conversely, the higher the follower count for Frenchie & Me selfies, the less the likelihood for the owner to ever mate with a human again. So if you’re going to commit to man’s best friend as man’s lover and sole companion, be sure to post 5–9 times a week, at least.
The Bottom Line: In the frail, panicked Chihuahua breed, white women found avatars for their repressed terror. In the French Bulldog, gay men have made effigies for their stubby, stunted, dying masculinity.
Rating: My Dog Skipped a Few Essential Chromosomes, Due to Systematic Inbreeding
Illusgaytions by Eliza Reisfeld