Illusgaytion by Aaron Deery

Do gays really walk faster than other human beings, or is that assumption based on myth and meme? InQueery head of development, Gavin Liver, was fascinated to discover that gays were outpacing Nike’s metrics, rendering the Nike Run Club’s step-counting apparatus useless. “We just can’t fucking keep up with them,” a high-ranking Nike official admitted at a Pride 2019 party aboard David Geffen’s superyacht. “Tell me about it,” a FitBit shareholder concurred over martinis.

Hungover, Liver returned to The InQueery’s labs eager to validate his intel. After a call to our dear friends and allies at the NSA, our data and analytics team were confirmed in the form of pedometrics from every smartphone installed with a gay dating app: Whether they’re hoofing it to a warehouse rave or wandering through the woods, queers cannot doddle.

Since then, The InQueery’s R&D team has been working closely with Nike developing a new app designed specifically for the LGBTQ community. We’re proud to announce our latest collaboration: Introducing NikeFag!, an A.I. ally for the fastest walking community in the country.

Nike Run Club may have teamed up with Headspace for free, mindfully-guided runs, but NikeFag! turns every walk into a queer history experience you pay for. With inspirational gay activists and heroes like Harvey Milk, Andy Cohen and Aaron Schock in your ear, the monthly fee is well worth the motivation. Users can also delight in the “Queer Coach Experience” (for an additional fee) which unlocks beacons of the community, such as Karamo Brown or Megan Rapino, guiding you with gentle reminders like, “Step it up bitch, don’t you have somewhere to be?” or “Just fucking go!”

NikeFag! comes preloaded with a handful of custom settings to tailor your speed and duration, but in-app purchases allow access to dozens of optimizing workouts like “Ceramics Teacher Clomp;” “Fashion Week Assistant;” “Late for Lunch”; “Velvet Rage Run” “Cruise Control”, “Protest Pound” and “Run for Your Life!”

Though NikeFag! was scheduled for release during Pride 2020 this summer, Nike executives were wary that gays wouldn’t “just do it” in a new world order of quarantine and city shut-downs. With straight bosses hiding out in the country and brunch becoming an al fresco institution, where do gays have to walk fast to anymore?

But as the months of quarantine progressed, our community tread on. Collected data has shown that in a world gone silent, gays will still walk everywhere, and at warp speeds. It may just be a trip to get hoagies, or to have weird sex in a park, but queers of all ages keep pounding the pavement.

And so, with more pride than ever, Nike and The InQueery invite you to visit the appstore and download NikeFag!, just in time for autumn. So put on your Apparis coat, remember your favorite scenes from Stepmom, and hit those streets like the #nikefag! you are! And remember, we will always be monitoring you!

Our Conclusion: Strut it out, walk a mile, serve it ancient city style.

Queer Rating: When Sonic met Tails.

Reporting by David Odyssey and Greg Kozatek