filed September 2, 2019
The Iced Coffee Code
Here at The InQueery we always say, “Maybe you’re born with it. Maybe it’s a gay gene.” Thanks to our investment in a 10 year double-blind study, we can now conclude that the ability to wield an iced coffee is specifically transcribed by the HOX13 gene. While this skill may be instinctual, your $8 nitro isn’t worth shit if you can’t securely hold it in perfect form. Our dedicated Queer Sciences staff have worked tirelessly to perfect these three simple iced coffee brandishing styles that will have your wrist exhibiting poise, prowess and power in no time.
1. The “Iced Coffee Claw” – Acquire a caffeinated iced beverage from your gayvorite java shoppe. Once you’ve settled on a spot to roost, assume the position: Arch your hand over the lid and shape your fingers into a dome with an oculus for your (paper) straw to poke through. Let passersby know you’re judging them by lazily jangling your ice cubes. You’ll achieve maximum results when your cup is 7/8 empty.
2. The “Hey…” – For when you identify another “member of the community” in the wild. Cross elbows at 90 degrees and make eye contact. Raise index and pointer finger to suggest a wave.
3. The Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-My-Way” – Rid the streets of map-reading tourists by going full Renata Klein with just a rotation of the radiocarpal joint. Place your free hand on hip and make a vigorous “shoo!” gesture by rattling your cup back and forth (see fig. 3.a), all while walking at a brisk, gay clip. This technique is also sure to get your ass to the front of any Sweetgreen line.
The Bottom Line: With oat milk and two Splenda, you won’t need a Gucci bag to let people know you’re a bitch.
Rating: Love, Simon but make it gay.
Good to Know: Those last sip slurps are louder in your head.
Illusgaytions by Alison Dubois