Reporting by The InQueery staff
Illusgaytions by Ryan Raphael

As this year comes to a close, we’re taking a moment to reflect on how our little research corporation has grown. This year we’ve padded our real estate portfolio, having acquired several acres of property on the adjacent lot when the neighboring axe throwing range/CrossFit gym filed for bankruptcy. On this land, we’ve erected the only known corporate lighthouse as well as our first theme park ride. This also freed up room for a new parking garage to house our fleet of corporate Jeeps. Our in-house branding studio took on their biggest challenge yet, creating a new visual identity for a prominent queer orchestra. Our events team had their hands full successfully launching a fruity film festival and a prestigious new award series not to mention hosting our annual gay sounds summit. We even tried our hand at employee poaching, gathering queer virtual assistants from several top companies for a calamitous group interview.

While we continue to evolve as a conglomerate, we have stayed true to our roots of trend forecasting and pop culture criticism. Our intrepid investigaytions have covered queer plant adoption, gazebos and the inclusion of hot coffee into the study of gay brandishing styles. As top thought leaders in queer pop cultural studies, we published our findings on femme dream sequences from fiction, as well as wigs that stole the show.

As much as we have achieved, corporate growth and accomplishment know no bounds. With Q1 just around the corner, our C-suite decided to poke around the research department asking our experts what queer artifacts and specimens might offer breakthroughs (and federal funding opportunities) in the coming year. Below is a report of what’s on the slab.

Grandfather clocks. These glamorous old queens took something as practical as telling time and told a story instead. Elaborate woodwork? Gilded moon dials? Crystal cut glass? Yes, Ma’am. Not to mention the unyielding need to announce itself every hour. Dzing dzong grandzaddy! – Ali Romig

Mechanical keyboards. Made solely to heighten the sensory experience of typing towards that of tapping your stiletto acrylics on a tabletop. Customize your Keychron with LGBT-RGB LEDs and a set of crystal press ons and you’ll be typing at the speed of gay sound. – Jaen Simon Hawkins

The Legally Blonde VHS tape. The tape itself was bright pink. We will never again reach such heights of queer marketing as colored VHS tapes. – Nadia Kossman

Nautical figureheads. She’s got perfect posture, magnificent hair, and requires polishing every day. On a barge full of seamen it takes an inanimate, high-femme sculpture to really claim the spotlight. – David Odyssey

Sailor Moon dress-up stickers. Sailor Moon can be considered an initiation of gay identity, and some of us were really, really into this anime as kids. Each package of dress-up stickers contained 2 or 3 different clothing sets, each with a different theme, kind of like Barbie, if Barbie were more in touch with her fan base. – Kefan Shi

Weathervanes. Any instrument measuring an invisible force that’s adorned with a hammered metal flying pig or crowing cock should be examined under the gay microscope. – Greg Kozatek

The 6 pound bowling ball. How is the lightest ball always the most flamboyant color? Appreciated for its ubiquitousness, and that it caters to non-athletes and those with small hands, alike. – Theo Quest

A secondhand 1984 copy of ‘The Letters of Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf ’. Purchased to impress a literary girlfriend, you used to read each other excerpts by candlelight (so dramatic), and when she dumped you, you would read with your best friend on her windowsill instead (possibly even more gay?). A single pressed violet had fallen out of the dust jacket, so you know it wasn’t the book’s first lesbian-love rodeo. – Sofie Birkin

Lava lamps. The training wheels of bisexual mood lighting, if you ask any queer person who grew up around Y2K whether they had a childhood or teenage lava lamp, chances are they’ll ask, “Which color?”  – Emma Sheinbaum

Gardening overalls. They’re highly versatile and practical, especially when they come with multiple pockets (perfect for miscellaneous items). Anything with that many pockets/places to hang things has to be queer. – Ash Samuels

The Max Steel action figure. That buff body and beautifully styled glossy plastic hair made teenage imaginations go wild. Thanks Mattel, once again, for inspiring queers to question and reaffirm their sexuality. – Carlos Miranda

Chia Pets. This artifact inhabits the very center of the queerest venn diagram: plant parenting, pet grooming, and kitschy home decor. And that jingle is gay as hell — “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!” – Brian Britigan

Zine stand. It’s technically a mini easel, but why not use it to display some zines, like Volume 1 of The InQueery? Don’t forget to rotate them seasonally (queer). -Stephanie Rudig

Lanyards. Before we had keys on carabiners, we had lanyards. There’s something so infinitely butch about the way a lanyard hangs out of a pocket or around a neck. “Mommy’s here, she has the keys.” It’s traditional caregiving, queerly subverted by all the straight, sporty girls we had crushes on in high school. – Meg Heim

Purple Sparkle Hot Wheels. Like any typical 4-year-old boy, you too may have collected toy cars…But did your favorite one have a purple paint job and shocking pink interior? Was it covered from head lights to tail lights in glitter? Who at Hot Wheels designed this genderfucked Ferrari—and can we ask them to make a real one? – Ryan Raphael

Mountain Dew Code Red. The Christian elementary schoolyard Myth of the Dew was that it was sinfully caffeinated. Doing the Dew was a vending machine ritual only for the danger seekers, the rebels, the queer. When Code Red came out, bearing red lips after indulging was like wearing a smirking scarlet letter. – Derek Smith

Library Borrowing Cards. Little signed and stamped tables of gossip neatly slipped into a cute paper pocket. There’s nothing juicier than knowing who read what when. These cards offer near irrefutable evidence that the very book you held in your hands was in your crush’s bedroom just 3 weeks ago. – Lauren Ward

Childhood Christmas ornaments. Nobody knows whose beheaded Pierrot clown ornament it was or how it came into your parents’ possession; it doesn’t seem like something they would ever buy, it just always…existed. And it felt like it existed just for you because everyone else thought it was creepy! – Colin Verdi

Kitchen Sinks. An English idiom has been othering this domestic stalwart for over a century. In a just world, the graceful neck of the tap and the deep belly of the basin would demand adoration for its contributions to kitchen culture, yet they endure a constant piling on of society’s dirty dishes without so much as a thank you. Queers may empathize because they know there is only so much emotional labor one can take on for straight roommates before needing to open the drain and letting it all go. – Sam Bolen