Illusgaytion by Brian Britigan
Reporting by Emma Sheinbaum

Looking to lay down roots? Be they cottage-core lesbians with shrubbery kinks, rave twinks seeking hardcore succulents or chapstick bisexuals in pursuit of the frilliest fern, we’ve got all queers covered, like English Ivy clinging to a country manor. Just in time for the holidays, The InQueery’s botany team has concluded its report on the must-have queer houseplants for 2023.

“Naturally, gays go for cats and dogs as the classic baby stand-in,” says Rosaline Shulz, Inqueery head of Rare Specimens and Propagaytion. “But with the rates of dog reiki and kitten kidney transplants skyrocketing, many modern queers are choosing foliage familes instead.” Though perennial our plant partners may be, this trend does not completely escape the concerns inherent to interpersonal relationships. How are we to read these leaves? And how do we know when our chlorophyllous children are ready to come out of the closet — or, in this case, the pot?

Whether you are looking for delightful discretion or flamboyant variagaytion, consult our guide of mother nature’s queerest plant consciousnesses to find your Flora with Benefits.

Tillandsia A.K.A. “Air plants” – Elphaba can fuck off! These green queens defy gravity eight shows a week without strings or a hydraulic lift. Like so many queers, Tillandsia is versatile: making her home on a moss wall, hanging from a rope mobile, or lounging in a tastefully appointed terrarium. Don’t let the serene vibe fool you, these kinky bitches put the suck in succulents! Constantly parched, they live for a little bit of “water edging.” No thorough soaking here–just a drizzle that will leave them begging for more. Their blooms look like plump tumescences, but they only get it up to flower once in their life. (And there is nothing wrong with that.)

Monstera deliciosa A.K.A. “The Swiss Cheese Plant” – If you’re someone who simply appreciates a good hole, the Swiss Cheese plant is your girl. As her leaves unfurl and mature, holes of varying sizes form, giving a mottled lace effect worthy of a period piece whore. They/them baristas the world over proudly plant their Monsteras at the coffee shop window, like giant green pride flags. But whether they come into your life cut or uncut, proper care requires bright indirect light (“Look at me!” “Don’t look at me!”), watering once per week, and as many BeReal photos of them as you can muster.

Maranta leuconeura A.K.A. “Prayer Plants” – According to Dr. Shulz, these plants get their name because they raise their leaves at night and lower them during the day. “If you ask me, they’re more reminiscent of limp wrists than hands bent in prayer,” Schulz offers. Adding to this plant’s dungeon-f*g factor is vampiric combustion when exposed to direct sunlight and an affinity for dark, sauna-like environments.

Ficus lyrata AK.A. “Fiddle-Leaf Fig” – The New York Times may have declared the fiddle-leaf fig as tacky hipster red flag, but for those of us who feel seen for being a dramatic little bitch, the fiddle leaf fig is your ride or die. This diva may loom large in your space, but sometimes those who can throw shade can’t take it. Ficus Lyrata will drop its bulbous leaves if you are mere minutes late to its weekly watering, burn if it is just a touch too close to the sun, and weep and wilt at the thought of being over-watered. A queer plant indeed.

Phalaenopsis A.K.A “Moth Orchid” – A plant whose diet consists of 3 ice cubes a week is undoubtedly queer.

Our Conclusion: Queers have found love and lust in the dark, the dispossessed, and at the edges of social order. These plants can thrive in just as harsh conditions, so long as they’re free to express themselves.

Queer Rating: Lee Pace in Pushing Daisies.