Illusgaytions by Annelise Capossela
Reporting by Greg Kozatek, Sam Bolen and Stephanie Rudig

As the hottest year on record rages on, researchers at The InQueery have made a startling discovery: Hot is thot and “just black” is back. The great pendulum of queer culture has reversed course and hot coffee has knocked iced coffee clear off the counter. Queer coffee quaffers are halting their barista as he reaches for a plastic cup, demanding a scalding cup of jitter juice, “Hold the nut milk!” What was once unthinkable is now just subversive enough to make gay folx feel incendiary again.

Origins of the shift remain unclear, although some researchers think iced coffee, like Ru Paul’s Drag Race, has reached a critical saturation point. Gays have tired of their cold brews and have been struck by nostalgia. Others suspect the trend toward Hot may be the result of a recent uptick in queers summering in Italy and the evergreen urge to appear “more Euro.” The head of The InQueery’s Codes and Communications Division posits the appeal of Hot coffee may be that consuming it brings us closer to feeling “one” with climate change. Though we may not have identified the root of this trend, we quickly deployed field researchers to analyze this new behavior in the wild and study how the “iced coffee claw” has mutated to accommodate java the temperature of molten lava.

The following poses were recorded by our team:

The Clawnoisseur – A power move that will quickly establish dominance in any social space. When your coffee is third-degree-burn-Hot, use your prowess as a seasoned claw queen to hold the coffee by the lid alone without it detaching from the cup. Be warned that The Clawnoisseur is an expert level dance with death and is not advised for baby coffee queers.

The Steam Queen – This pose allows you to create community as you and your dark roast transform the boardroom, subway car or co-op into a sauna! Plug your lid’s hole with a stopper, and when you arrive at your desired location, slowly lift the lid allowing your brew to release vapor – your iced coffee could never! The pose requires restraint as you won’t be able to delight in a single slurp before taking off your coffee’s Hot hat.

The Sans Sleeve – Gays love any opportunity to go sleeveless and coffee is no exception. Being able to clutch your Hot coffee without a cardboard koozie is the equivalent of walking fearlessly across a bed of coals. A true flex, this pose signals the masochism inherent in queer society.

The Big Dipper – This pose is all about playing with your food to flirt. Select your favorite baked good and repeatedly dunk it into a delicious acid bath while locking eyes with any cafe cuties. The dexterous coordination of croissant and coffee all without looking away from your crush cranks up the coquette. Go full magic show with finger fans and/or wrist writhes. Delicate pastry pinches will dazzle your potential date and distract them from the cascade of crumbs all over your knit linen tank.

The Little Sipper – For the kween who knows their coffee is too Hot but needs it too badly. This pose is a pyramidal balance between your hands and mouth firmly attached to the cup, ensuring minimal LLD (lip-to-lid distance). Continue by kitten-licking tiny slurps of mud at a constant rate until you feel the tell-tale tummy rumble. This signals the transition from the Little Sipper to Little Shitter pipeline. Literally.

The Intern – This pose is for the cunning queer on-the-go who’s got something to prove. To demonstrate just how “busy” and “invaluable” you are, balance two full cardboard beverage holders laden with your office’s morning joe orders. It may be a handful, but you get to add 8 punches to your coffee card and make it rain on a cute barista, stuffing their tip jar with petty cash. Carry this pose to the finish line by speed walking down crowded city streets, head down and elbows up. Make it back without spilling a drop and someone might just remember your name.

Coffee mug users (aka mugger clutchers) also have their own complex body language dialect. Those with a penchant for potted vessels have exhibited the following poses:

The Robin Hood – The mug is ever-present in hand, making you look a little like this gif. Some people walk into the room purse first, but you lead with caffeine, showcasing your knack for selecting the most interesting mug from the office kitchen. Assuming this pose channels your inner butch boss energy by imitating Gary Cole in Office Space at all times.

The Mug Shot – This pose is a simple one-and-done that doesn’t shirk on the drama. Tilt your oversized mug skyward and throw every ounce of 104 degree coffee down your pie hole in one fell swig. You’re a sword swallower! A gas guzzler! You’re unable to taste anything for at least the next few hours!

Peekaboo Pride – Too embarrassed to be seen in public using that shitty travel mug you caught from the Bank of America float at last year’s Pride? Clasp your hand into a Barbie-chic C-shape covering most of the mug’s prime real estate and make the BoA logo go bye-bye! If any onlookers get a peak, they’ll have to guess whether you fuck with rainbow capitalism or just fucked a day trader.

The Glasshole – To let people know you’re a pretentious bitch, pour espresso into a glass mug, then place a hand at the bottom for support while the other hand gently raps against the side. Stand in a doorway, or even better–over someone while they’re working–and generally preside.

Our Conclusion: Like absolute icons Joan of Arc and the Witches of Salem, we’ll take it hot.

Queer Rating: Lana Del Ray’s shift at Waffle House.