Illusgaytion by Aaron Fernandez
Reporting by Ali Romig

The InQueery is nothing if not a champion of work/lifestyle balance. One will often hear Madonna’s “Holiday” blasting over the office loudspeakers, a subtle reminder to our employees to take advantage of their copious vacation hours. Why would one ever long for the stable, steady call of an 8-hour work week if you never took a rollicking break from it? (Or so we thought.) We take the gayest season of the year very seriously, so we sent a team of our best and tightest to research the ideal vacation destinations for the “experience” inclined.

After all, what’s gayer than grabbing a group of your favorite gals and descending upon a confused-yet-delighted local community ready to receive you with dollar signs in their eyes? Cohabitating with your good Judies for a week is the nearest thing to a utopic queer commune some of us will experience in our lifetime!

Our researchers spent six months traveling from the snowiest mountaintop cabins to the sunniest seaside bungalows to tirelessly relax and bring you the lowdown on the most tranquil traps for trendy tourists. Among their observations? While beaches and cities once reigned supreme, today’s gays are opting for something more down and dirty, capitalizing on the endless fashion opportunities present at a rodeo or small town (lezzy) fair – from the heavy-footed masculinity of cowboy butch to the high-femme camp of hippie-chic. Travel is changing, queers! So instead of blindly signing up for the group trip to P-Town or Puerto Vallarta, let’s do what we were born to do and harness the subversive power of the queer imagination!

With findings like these, it’s no surprise that more than a few of our esteemed team ended up staying behind, opting for an early retirement on a dude ranch in Wyoming rather than returning to the office. C’est la! Before they submitted their two-weeks’ notice, they submitted the following report, identifying five of the hottest travel trends for queers. Cheers!

Ski Hoe-pes: There is one fundamental truth that has shown up in our research again and again: when it comes to being in a long-term, lesbian relationship, subtle, nearly-imperceptible drama is paramount to the health of the union. And where better to engage in some sexy self-sabotage than on vacation? Our recommendation? Gather a group of coupled sapphics with sexual tension together in one Vermont cabin for a ski trip. After a day of double black diamonds or bellinis at the lodge (depending on where you land on the substance-to-style ski bunny spectrum), the possibility of group sex will be enough to heat up those cold, snowy nights. And when you ultimately fail to follow through, you’ll head home with enough emotional fodder for your next few therapy sessions. It’s the trip that keeps on giving.

Patrons of Fun: Have you ever met an older, rich, established gay at a bar and hit it off? After their third scotch on the rocks, they invite you to join them at their vacation home the next weekend, all expenses paid. Maybe in the past you’ve shied away from the opportunity, noting little things like “stranger danger,” but it doesn’t matter if the destination is a lakeside cabin serving duck decor or a beachfront mansion giving Nancy Meyers, our researchers say go! Trust us when we say, this is the one time “doing it for the story” will actually pay off  – and they won’t mind at all when you show up in a caravan with fifteen of your closest friends.

Hometown Queeroes: This one’s a bit controversial, but hear us out! The InQueery’s team found that many gays are returning to their hometowns for the occasional weekend getaway. For some, a trip down memory lane sounds like the highway to hell, but we suggest you bring your community along with you to queer your childhood memories while reclaiming your rowdy roots. And don’t forget! The best souvenir shop is your childhood bedroom, where priceless tchotchkes like the 2009 Spice Girls reunion tour t-shirt await. And when you inevitably bump into an old high school acquaintance at the Auld Shebeen Irish Pub, you can intimidate them with the cool stare of a grown queer who knows themself well enough to reenter the lion’s den.

It’s Camp! A good queer trip should always include a look or two. For this one, grab your cargo pants, cut-off Ts, water shoes, and kitschy bandanas because we’re heading for the great outdoors, girls! This vacay will provide the ultimate chance to cosplay all your butch fantasies. Will you be starting a fire? No. But you absolutely look like you could! On top of all that, it’s surprisingly romantic. A small tent? A single sleeping bag? A starry night sky? Okay, we’re hot for nature! Just take heed, and beware hungry bears.

Golden Girls: If all else fails when planning your next validating vacation, our researchers would like to remind you not to overlook the transportive powers of simply finding the nearest patch of sun and sitting in it for a few hours. Never underestimate the queer power of parking it in a park with your tits out during golden hour.

Bonus trend tip! We didn’t need researchers for this one. In most groups of gay male friends exists one, single lesbian or bisexual queen. When she vacations with her guys, it’s less Sappho’s island of Lesbos, and more an island of one. It’s important for gay spaces to continue to be infiltrated by this kind of solo agent, if for no other reason than so that two of these Sue’s can find each other in a flood of sea men and cling to one another like lifeboats.

Our conclusion: Kiss one another. Die for each other. We’re cool for the summer.

Queer rating: RHONY’s Scary Island.