Case 016: Trim Jobfiled December 14, 2019
Christmas season has arrived and The Inqueery’s art and artifacts division has been in a bit of debate over one of the season’s most beloved accessories: the Christmas ornament. Not quite toys, and not exactly sculpture, is the tree ornament an earnest tribute to the spirit of gaudiness, celebrating decor for decor’s sake? Or something more?
After examining ornaments from gay communities throughout the ages—and uncovering gems like a papier-mache, towel-clad Bette Midler ornament from 1971 and some hand blown Murano glass hankies from the 60s—our staff has come to believe that the best ornaments, especially of the gay community, tell a story of their time which has long been denied a proper history.
To immortalize this year’s greatest and gayest moments, The InQueery has worked with top-of-the-line metalsmiths, glitter artisans, and fine glass-blowers on this collection of queer ornaments. Spare no expense on these—they could one day be essential cultural relics!
Regina King’s arm holding her Oscar
The holiday season can elicit a dark sense of entitlement in some gift-receivers, so deck your tree with this emblem of hard work and patience, courtesy of Queen King. After dragging herself through mud, barbed wire, and the sequels to Legally Blonde and Miss Congeniality, our lady Regina finally kicked back with some well-deserved rewards in 2019, including an Oscar for If Beale Street Could Talk and a starring role in Watchmen. If you want fancy things, you better work!
Tom Holland’s ass – In Spider Man:Far From Home, gay comics fans were treated to heaps of queer iconography, including a bearded, bespectacled Jake Gylenhaal, Marisa Tomei in bell bottoms, and Zendaya, period. But the cherry—or, shall we say, peach—atop this gay cinematic confection was Tom Holland’s derriere in state-of-the-art spandex. This Christmas, let your guests give that tush a rub, for good luck in the year to come.
Cover of On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous
Like the cover of Hanya Yanagihara’s A Little Life, the stark grey, maudlin cover of Ocean Vuong’s debut became instantly iconic among the gay literati. That you didn’t have time to read the book, even though you somehow had copious hours to watch Zosia Mamet do her best on Tales of the City, is not something your queer book club needs to know this Christmas. Hanging up this ornament will prove that you appreciate fine queer literary debuts, and look forward to the gay backlash of years to come.
David’s First Place Cake Stand
A tried and true gay comfort, The Great British Bake Off has had its fair share of queer comepetitors. However, season 11 really put the community in a tailspin with the homo holy trinity of David, Henry and Michael. Watching these three revel in each other’s company was almost as sweet as getting to bake your dream birthday cake. Hanging this ornament is not just symbolic of a win for David, but of gay friendships far and wide!
Miley Cyrus’ vagina dentata
Our saint Miley ended Pride month with her triumphant, all-inclusive “Mother’s Daughter” video, which featured artists and activists from across the gender spectrum. But, just like Santa, Miley knew to go that extra mile for her queers, with a red latex body suit to evoke Britney’s eternal “Oops, I Did It Again!” getup, and a pair of grills to reclaim the genitalia. This ornament is sure to start conversations among you and your family—about body, agency, gender identity, and how Bangerz! has actually held up really well since 2013.
Deet’s gay dads, The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance
Sure, your family may be disturbed to have the mask-like visages of Jim Henson’s Gelfling creatures staring down at them from atop the tree, but they’re sure to welcome them into their homes once you explain that these aren’t just any muppets, but gay ones! Thanks to the support of her two dads, Deet transforms from cave goon to rebel heroine. A Tiny Tim narrative, indeed!
Sharon Stone and Melanie Griffith having lunch
Babe, you made it through the year. Pop open some Pellegrino, throw on your comfiest cashmere, and light a cigarette or two. With these two gal pals adorning your tree, you’ll be able to cultivate a Christmas spirit of longtime friendship, multiple Oscar nominations and a middle-fingered approach to middle-age.
A feather duster
Did you see Downton Abbey: The Movie? Of course not! Did your mother see Downton Abbey: The Movie? “I’ll wait for Netflix,” she says, not understanding how on-demand film distribution works. But did your recently-divorced cousin Courtney see Downton Abbey: The Movie? Hell, yes! And this ornament is for her! What’s not to love about this absolutely innocuous, totally faggy decoration? In the spirit of Christmas, let Courtney kick back and dust off her poor British impersonation, which, incidentally, has not helped her meet a new man!
East Compton Clover uniform
Sure, Halloween is long gone, but how can we forget Gabrielle Union’s triumphant reprisal of her Bring It On outfit, along with her infant daughter Kaavia in a matching get-up? Why honor the Virgin Mary when you could hang up the uniform of a true immortal who hasn’t aged a single day since she first took on Big Red and Torrance in 2000?
Playbill, The Inheritance
It’s unlikely you saw Broadway’s latest two-part, polarizing gay saga, which comes in at a total running time of over six hours (!)but if you’re longing to impress your queer theater friends at this year’s Secret Santa swap, consider this ornament, which can act as a playbill for a play you have no interest in seeing.
Cadaverous claw, Kim Petras’ Turn Off the Light
In an age of vicious infighting and queer division, this was the severed hand that united a people, raised up with pride at dungeon raves and private sex parties across the land. Hanging this mangy mit marks your tree as a site of queer rebellion and regeneration, and gives you another excuse to play “Death by Sex” in front of your father.
Claire’s bob, Fleabag
As we come out of life’s many closets, we have to take bold swings—in our style, sexual expression and self-presentation. And not all of our grand arrivals are considered triumphant. Claire’s attempt at self-liberation via an asymmetrical bob may be doomed from the start, but to gays with long histories of earnest fashion blunders, it’s a badge of honor. We hang this ornament high, to celebrate an icon who cut her way out of an unhappy life, learned the value of extensions, and snagged a hot Finnish man. Here’s to Claire!
Rating: The pigeon lady from Home Alone: Lost in New York