Illusgaytion by Reese Bice
Reporting by Ricky Tucker

If you’re queer and visually impaired, luxury eyewear brand Warby Parker is front of mind, their glasses on the tip of your nose. With their try-on-then-buy-on business model, chic frames, million-dollar ad campaigns, and celebrity endorsements, Warby Parker has an erotic-asphyxiated hold on the spectacles market. In fact—can you even name another brand? We’ll wait…

Enter Zenni Optical, the bargain-basement brand that gets by on warehouse closeout prices. In hopes of going pupil to pupil with Warby Parker, Zenni Optical came to The Inqueery for consult on how they could get queers to spring for their specs. We immediately clocked Zenni’s motto, “Access to high-quality, affordable eyewear,” as kryptonite to the queer consumer. A quick gaynalysis of the brand revealed a surfeit of styles lacking luxury and glamor. Though Zenni had secured a handful of queer-adjacent celebrity endorsements (Keke Palmer, Rashida Jones, Iris Apfel), there was nary an authentically gay four-eyed face to be found in their campaign. They desperately needed our queer eyes.

As one might expect, Zenni couldn’t afford us. After disclosing our fees, they pleaded, they begged. And as the great southern socialite and sexual philanthropist Suzanne Sugarbaker once said, “A lil cryin’, a lil beggin—it touches [us].” We accepted the challenge and did so pro bono, if only for the chance to try out our new ChatGPT server, Conky3000. Its user interface is modeled after glitchbot, Conky2000, of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse fame (Rest in Power, Paul Ruebens,) and C3K’s state-of-the-art gAy-I technology claims to detect and analyze all nonsexual preferences of queer populations. Of course, our Conky also generates words of the day. For those curious, today’s is proletariat—aaaaargh!

We input Zenni’s dilemmi and asked Conky3000 for a novel solution. It did its glitch dance (conk conk), and mere seconds later, we were provided feedback in the form of the following strategic brief:

Introducing Queer Spectacles: 

Zenni’s new line of gilded glasses gives the queer bespectacled demographic a new focus. Let’s look back, waaaaaay back for a little optic inspiration. 1989? No, how about 1889? Donning any one of Zenni’s ravishing ocular artifacts allows wearers to float down Fifth Avenue, stomp the supermarket queue, and scintillate on the subway with 20/20 vision and a perspicacious air.

For Spectating: The Lorgnette or “Galilean Telescope”

Perfect for: An extravagant aid to help identify cracks in artistic foundations.

Wear to: The opera house, theater, fireworks displays, fashion shows, drag bars.

Materials: Rose gold, cubic zirconia, glass.

Color: Blush of a Scarlet Scandal.

For Reading: The Monocle or “Pince Nez”

Perfect for: Conducting your own investigations, scrutinizing various updated terms of service, and helping to correct a uniquely queer triple affliction of being near and farsighted with an astigmatism in your left eye. Say bye-bye bifocals.

Wear to: The study, library, or any investigaytion.

Materials: Tortoiseshell, glass.

Color: Ancient and Scrutinous Marble.

For Realness: The Loupe or “Eye of the Beholder”

Perfect for: Having the final word on authenticity, intimidation, popping pimples, tick removal, rogue hair extraction.

Wear to: The jewelers, mineral mines, miser’s quarters, any and all bridal events.

Materials: Cubic zirconia, glass, (crafted in the likeness of a diamond).

Color: Lucidly Liquid

Our conclusion: Cheap Luxury Eyewear—the better to read you my dear.

Queer Rating: “I can’t wait to see how this turns out.” — Ru Paul