Illusgaytion by Doug Rodas
Reporting by Tom Vellner

A gay who arranges their friends’ entire trip to Barcelona. A gay who advises their mother on how to resolve her book club drama. A gay who tells their friend repeatedly that, yes, she should dump her new boyfriend who always starts sentences with, “Well, actually.” What do they all have in common? At The InQueery, we’ve determined them to be the Emotional Support Gay (ESG), and we’ve discovered multiple variants.

What’s more, The InQueery was able to pinpoint the occasion in early life during which many gays become the equivalent of a labrador retriever wearing a red “Don’t pet me, I’m working” vest due to their elevated levels of emotional intelligence, responsibility, and creativity.

In an effort to develop a hybrid office strategy, we have been experimenting with hot desking, the inherently queer practice of allowing staffers to choose to sit wherever they’d like when they come into HQ, in lieu of assigned seating (hot, hot, hot!). Multiple queer researchers with high-functioning anxiety noted that seating hasn’t always been so fluid for them, particularly during involuntary stints as classroom aids in elementary school.

Indeed, our researchers found an overlapping experience among them: Their school teachers sat them, well-behaved students, next to a “bad” student so that they could be a positive influence. Did this “bad” student have undiagnosed ADHD in need of professional attention? Yes. Was it inappropriate to force a student who was consistently “a pleasure to have in class” to be a 9-year-old TA (or, TGay)? Yes. Is the Venn diagram of adults who are gay and who were a pleasure to have in class a circle? Again, yes.

Isolating this childhood role of TGay allowed The InQueery to trace its specific variants, the adult ESGs exhibiting similarly supportive behaviors. They are as follows:

The Cultural Translator: This ESG finds themself constantly explaining pop culture references that they or their friends use in conversation. In one moment, they’ll hold up a bowl of limes while making margaritas for the group and say, “I love limes!” and in the next, they’ll be diagramming Dakota Johnson’s rise to Deadpan Queen status for their friends who didn’t catch the nod. Then, in response to their own herculean efforts, they’ll quote Kim K. (sadly, again, to no avail): “It’s a full-time job, and it’s extremely time-consuming, and it’s not as easy as it may appear to some people.”

The Travel Agent: You’ll often hear this ESG saying, “You can’t go to Paris without visiting the Musée Rodin.” They’ve developed a reputation as a jet-setter, and it’s come to haunt them more than Taylor Swift is marred by her jet-setting carbon footprint. Whether they’re planning a trip with their Judys or consulting on someone else’s getaway, their friends always lean on them to determine the best itinerary with the best queer nightlife and the best croissants, and the best hole-in-the-wall spots (we’re talking obscure restaurants and actual glory holes). It is, indeed, a full-time job.

The Creative Director: There exist a few sub-variants that compose this significant ESG. They are repeatedly responding to texts such as, “Can you help me construct my White Lotus costume for Halloween?” or, “How would you style this side table I found while thrifting??” or, “Can you think of a caption for my engagement announcement on Instagram???” This ESG fills a variety of roles, including but not limited to costume designer, interior decorator, and social media specialist. Taken together, they form the Creative Director, a gay who (if they aren’t careful) can easily become frazzled by the high volume of requests they field despite the impeccable and consistent artistic vision they offer.

The Parent Parent: How many times has this ESG told their parents to get a recycling bin, encouraged them to get a Covid vaccine booster, diffused tension at a family dinner, or offered advice when their mom called them crying because her coworker Carol sassed her in the break room yet again? Stuck in a role reversal, this ESG provides all the emotional or practical support to their parents. While usually thrilled to step into a leadership role (give an ESG a headset and a task if you want something done right), this type of parentification can be especially fraught for them—just ask their therapist.

The Sidekick Starlet: We’ve witnessed it over and over in blockbuster rom-coms—the wise and witty gay who deserves to be the star of the show but instead is relegated to the sidekick role, comforting the lead straight woman at every turn as she navigates her relationship drama (see: My Best Friend’s Wedding). This ESG is continually visiting and taking calls from their friend because she just isn’t sure if her new man (who doesn’t own a nightstand) is The One. Frankly, this is eating into the time this ESG should be spending on their own fabulous main character arc—in other words, opening their combination bakery-bookstore called Kneading Is Fundamental.

Our Conclusion: The Oscar for Best Supporting Actress is the first award of the night for a reason. They’re the one who steals the show. The age of the ESG giving themselves top billing is upon us.

Queer Rating: Anne Hathaway choking back tears as Barbra Streisand accepts her SAG Lifetime Achievement Award.