Illusgaytion by José Rojas
Reporting by David Odyssey, Tom Vellner and Greg Kozatek

Do gays really walk faster than other human beings, or is that assumption rooted in myth and meme? InQueery’s head of product development, Gavin Lockman, was fascinated to discover that gays were outpacing Nike’s metrics, rendering the Nike Run Club’s step-counting apparatus useless. “We can’t fucking keep up with them,” a high-ranking Nike official admitted inside Anna Wintour’s luxury suite at the U.S. Open.

“How do you know which users are gay?” Lockman inquired.

“Our app syncs with Spotify,” the official said, taking down another martini. “Our speediest walkers all had the same most-played album: Dangerous Woman by Ariana Grande.”

With that incontrovertible evidence in hand, Lockman knew what our next step must be. The InQueery’s R&D team has since been working closely with Nike developing a new app designed specifically for LGBTQ+ folks and their affinity for hauling ass. We’re excited to announce our latest collaboration: Introducing Nike Hun, an AI ally for the fastest-walking community in the country.

Nike Run Club may have teamed up with Headspace to create mindfully guided runs for free, but with Nike Hun, you’re paying for the overstimulation you truly crave while hoofing it down the block. To keep you moving at warp speed, Nike Hun offers AI-generated voice memos that sound eerily like the ones your own besties would send. Scroll through and choose the outrageously long, practically nonsensical audio note that gets your heart rate pumping fastest: Try the tea about a messy throuple your friend knows, “I’ll tell you the rest when you get here!” or the one describing what items are left at the Apparis sample sale “Hurry up! It’s madness, girl!” So long, audiobooks.

Not your speed? Not to worry. If you simply want some encouragement for your power walk, choose a guided course narrated by some of the most recognizable and beloved voices in history. Who wouldn’t want Harvey Fierstein or Eartha Kitt in their ear, spurring them to keep up the pace? If positive reinforcement isn’t helping you achieve those personal record goals, Nike Hun also offers the “Queer Coach Experience.” This feature lets you choose sports legends of the community, such as Billie Jean King and Megan Rapinoe to guide your runs with a little more…sass and grit. Phrases like “Step it up, bitch!” and, “Don’t you have somewhere to be?” and, “Stop disappointing Sha’Carri Richardson!” serve to push you past the finish line and tickle the homosexual masochistic urge.

For those more visually motivated, Nike Hun also comes with a set of sexy digital badges to be earned after completing various gay paces during your workout. Start off slow with “Ceramics Teacher Clomp,” and “Protest Pound.” Ramp things up with “Fashion Week Assistant” and “Late for Lunch.” Feel the sweat with “Velvet Rage Run,” and “Circuit Week Spring.” Push your limits and give it everything you’ve got with “Run for Your Motherfucking Life!”

And so, overflowing with pride, Nike and The InQueery invite you to visit the App Store and download Nike Hun. Put on your Apparis coat, and remember that we, as gay people, get to choose which scenario gets our weak ankles in gear. Now hit those streets like the #NikeHun you are!

Our Conclusion: Strut it out, walk a mile, serve it ancient city style.

Queer Rating: When Sonic met Tails.