Illusgaytion by Colin Verdi
Reporting by Felicia Fitzpatrick

While out on “field research,” The InQueery’s Queer Artifacts Division stumbled upon the long-lost rainbow from The Wizard of Oz hiding in the Himalayan salt sauna at Dollywood’s DreamMore Resort and Spa. The team transported the famous light spectrum back to headquarters for a more in-depth evalugaytion, but during the transfer into the laboratory there was an unexpected explosion. The rainbow fled the scene, leaving a wake of glittery ash and rendering our staff’s lab coats to dust.

Our C-Suite recognized this as an opportunity to avoid yet another lawsuit and upgrade the lab coats to a more durable and protective material. After an analysis of suitable textiles, we voted unanimously:

“Leather jackets have long been a staple of queer wardrobes, acting as a garment gaydar—a beacon signaling to other queers that ‘I’m here!’ with a level of triumph (and belt) otherwise only seen in Celie’s 11 o’clock number in The Color Purple,” said Michelle Frink, C-Suite spokesperson.

What started as early 21st century military armor is now as quintessential to the queer experience as pledging your wholehearted devotion to your high school English teacher. The rebellious and subversive fashion statement has been a friend not only to bikers, but to punk musicians, the Black Panther Party, and of course, disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friends of Dorothy.

During an all-staff meeting, employees discussed the leather jacket’s queer versatility, like how it can be paired with Doc Martens as you brood in the poetry section of your favorite indie bookstore; matched with pearls as you head to a Betty Who concert for a double date with your new boo, their ex, and their ex’s new significant other; or flung over a svelte, all-black ensemble as you and your crush fly beyond the clouds in a T-bird.

While our staff was thrilled to receive a new uniform, there was—of course—much debate about which specific style of leather jacket to order. The C-Suite organized a town hall forum where factions of the staff presented their bids for the queerest leather jacket looks.

The Classchic

With its no-nonsense, utilitarian nature, the classic leather biker jacket’s multifunctionality is perfect for the queer researcher on-the-go. There are plenty of compartments for scientific instruments, poppers, and chapstick, thanks to its many zippers. The adjustable belt can help scientists achieve a full range of motion for experiments that require a little extra flexibility, like measuring the viscosity of the new line of White Claw-flavored lube or calculating the trajectory of wigs sailing through the air during lip-sync reveals. Employees were encouraged to flip through the catalog of Harley-Davidson’s new LGBTQ+ collection featuring spokesgirl Kristen Stewart, which offers classic styles combining the sleek queerness of a Tom of Finland character with the practicality of a fly fishing vest.

The Tell Me About It Stud 

Our scientists require functional jackets, but the staff discussed how they can still look haute with a full range of loud and proud embellishments, like studs, spikes, patches, and patterns.

The initial presentation included a quick powerpoint of inspiration, including a variety of examples, from Queen Latifah’s The Equalizer varsity-style bomber jacket, to Prince’s gothic “Purple Rain” motorcycle jacket, to Cher’s bedazzled Bob Mackie “If I Could Turn Back Time” jacket. Pressed for time, the staff hurriedly clicked through Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” spray-painted unicorn jacket, Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” silver-studded crust punk jacket, Lady Gaga’s “Judas” biker bitch jacket, and Lady Gaga’s “LoveGame” white-to-black-subway-trick jacket. Clearly this is a style with range.

In response to objections that this style would be too distracting during work, The InQueery’s Senior Gay Pop Historian Alicia Garcia passionately retorted, “He who doesn’t love arriving late to meetings to show off a look, let him cast the first stone!”

The Group Costume

The InQueery prides itself on our interdepartmental and interdisciplinary collaboration, but with everyone running around in the same jacket, things could get confusing, especially during our weekly ballroom dancing competition. This style is all about demonstrating belonging, but in a totally chill non-cliquey kind of way!

The C-Suite’s presentation suggested representing departments with big, emblazoned insignia on the back of the jacket in the style of Marlon Brando’s Black Rebels Motorcycle Club.

The Department of Gaymers chimed in with a mock-up of Daisy and Peach locking lips as their emblem, and our Botany team proposed a sequined portrait of Audrey II. Other departments required more deliberation—our political analysts debated between representations of Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper; our Performance and Media division struggled to decide which sapphic singer should grace their backs, Reneé Rapp or Chapell Roan; and our IT department devolved into a non-sequitur regarding Katey Sagal’s haunting performance as the OG Alexa, PAT, in Smart House.

It was noted that there was also an opportunity to personalize with employees’ claims to fame à la Johnny Depp’s Cry Baby. The special patches and pin-buttons created for the winners of our company-wide events, like our annual Moira Rose Look-A-Like Competition, would be fun flair for the new uniforms. Finally, the perfect place to put your merit badge honoring your reign as 4H’s milking champion!

The Size Queen

Longer blazer and trench coat options were presented with matching pairs of kinky boots, for a look that is at once professional and not-not-BDSM. The floor-length style with flared collars resonated most with our scientists who prefer to keep a mysterious profile, thrilled at the demonstration of swishing the Matrix-style garment into the air before sashaying down a corridor. Though there was some hesitation about the length of these jackets near various gears, belts, and bunsen burners, it was agreed that simple tucking could assuage any trepidation.

Resembling a traditional lab coat, this style would offer scientists the most protection from any sticky residue they may come across while also paying homage to 2000s queer style icons Bette Porter and Brian Kinney.

Our conclusion: After our staff voted on their selections, the numbers were too close to call for a majority win in any one category. Perhaps the quickest way to queer is always custom. We moved around some of our stocks and created a budget for every researcher to individualize their coat to their preference and measurements, provided the resultant garment passed a thorough safety inspection. Your jacket, your choice.

Queer Rating: Reading an entire book in the Petites department of JCPenney while your mom shops.