Case 012: Last Minute Lookbook

Case 012: Last Minute Lookbook filed October 31, 2019

Illusgaytions by: Jared Fresch

Over the last 24 hours, The InQueery has received countless DMs from distraught readers desperately seeking help with costume ideas.

“I wear a goddamned leotard every day of the summer.” bemoaned David Goldschmitt, a Bushwick hobnobber with a vast collection of seasonal spandex. “Pride, concerts, drag festivals. It’s enough. I don’t see why I have to spend money on another costume just to make straight people feel supported on their one wild night of the year. I’m tired.”

Our research shows that queers want a costume that exudes cultural commentary, but doesn’t break the bank. After all, there are only so many times you can reuse your “sexy Nancy Pelosi” costume.

The InQueery presents our Last Minute Lookbook: Suggestions for cheap and easy, totally relevant gay getups. We’ve got you covered, whether you’re flying solo or rolling ten gays deep.
1. (Single Rider) Post-Emmy Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Requires several novelty trophies, a low-cut number, a martini, and a wheelchair to be carted around in all night. Non-smokers may attempt to ” ‘ave a fag” to commit to the bit, but we caution that this will likely cause asphyxiating fits that Waller-Bridge would find deeply uncool.
2. (Democratic Duo) Pete and Chasten: Prove the stability and “legitimacy” of your relationship by dressing as America’s favorite power couple. Sure, Pete and Chasten have no distinguishing characteristics, but that’s good enough for straight people, and should be for you, too. When gay partygoers ask: “Uh…are you from 𝘉𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘰𝘯?,” hang strong, and save your screaming matches for the car ride home.
3. (Triple Threat) Charlie’s Angels: The gayest franchise this side of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has finally been become full lesbian IP, with none other than patron saint Kristen Stewart in the role of sexpot commando. Local girl gangs are hotly anticipating this narrative shakeup, and trios of the toughest broads you know will be dressing accordingly. All you need is peroxide, a severe high-and-tight haircut and a vaguely equestrian action uniform.
4. (Fierce Foursome) The Squad: Got a pant suit and some heavy crimson lipsticks lying around? Looks like you’ve got everything you’ll need to be 2019’s congressional coven. Your primary challenge will be deciding who gets to play AOC.
5. (Fab Five) The Monterey Five: The Audrey and Elvis gala created a 2017 costume staple, but how will queers manage to create a cohesive group look based on season two? As Amabella’s disco-themed birthday party failed to inspire, hopefully the overarching theme of banged helmut wigs is enough of a concept to tie your group together. This season, the ladies of Monterey had a proclivity for looking cold, so grab a shawl you can clench.
6. (Six Pack) Streep Show: You can easily make your Monterey Five a Big Sur Six with the addition of Meryl’s Mary Louise. A thrift store silk scarf and (yet another) shitty banged wig from Party City should work nicely. Oh! And don’t forget a necklace with a cross you can suck on!
7. (Sexy Septet) Sun God Realness: Billy Porter’s Camp Met Gala regalia, but make it DIY. Put six of your closest Instagays to work by having them carry you around on a discarded sidewalk mattress. Your jacked Judies may have a Halloworkout on their hands, but a couple of cans of gold spray paint and a black jumpsuit will do most of the heavy lifting.
8. (The Great Eight) The many wigs of Nicole Kidman: Hollywood’s most consistent queer icon has gone through ups, downs, Scientologists and country singers, but she’s never failed to surprise her fans—and her wigmasters. Celebrate Nicole’s triumphant 2019 with a journey through time and lace fronts, starting with the brutalist bangs of Big Little Lies; back through Aquaman’s waterproof locks; the grizzled rat’s nest of Top of the Lake; Paddington’ severe terror bob; the panicked pixie of Birth; The Hours’ drab Bloomsbury rag; Moulin Rouge’s silky scarlet tresses; and the To Die For flip that started it all. As any student of Drag Race will tell you, don’t remove your wig while performing unless you’re wearing another wig underneath it! And in this case, make sure there are seven!
9. (Nine Lives) Cats movie trailer: Where were you when 𝘪𝘵 happened? Immortalize one of the year’s most talked about (and queerest) film previews by dressing up as your favorite Cats cat and creating a Jellicle Ball with a clowder of your pals. WE KNOW there are more than nine cats, but just go with it okay? It’s hard to say 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 how you’ll make a cat costume without access to “digital fur technology,” but good luck and… don’t fuck it up.
𝟭𝟬. (Dreadful Denary) The ending of Midsommar *spoilers ahead*: This concept has been on the queer Halloween shortlist since the trailer dropped. Your gay dream of finding an application for an entire wall of dollar store fake flowers is finally coming true! The person in your friend group who has the most followers gets to be the May Queen. Unfortunately, the rest of your friends will be left playing the 9 human sacrifices.

The Bottom Line: If nothing else, Halloween is a night of heightened spiritual energy (just ask CoStar), so you might as well look your best for the universe.

Rating: Martha Stewart deveins a shrimp on Facebook Live.

Case 012: Last Minute Lookbook

filed October 31, 2019

Over the last 24 hours, The InQueery has received countless DMs from distraught readers desperately seeking help with costume ideas.

“I wear a goddamned leotard every day of the summer.” bemoaned David Goldschmitt, a Bushwick hobnobber with a vast collection of seasonal spandex. “Pride, concerts, drag festivals. It’s enough. I don’t see why I have to spend money on another costume just to make straight people feel supported on their one wild night of the year. I’m tired.”

Our research shows that queers want a costume that exudes cultural commentary, but doesn’t break the bank. After all, there are only so many times you can reuse your “sexy Nancy Pelosi” costume.

The InQueery presents our Last Minute Lookbook: Suggestions for cheap and easy, totally relevant gay getups. We’ve got you covered, whether you’re flying solo or rolling ten gays deep.
1. (Single Rider) Post-Emmy Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Requires several novelty trophies, a low-cut number, a martini, and a wheelchair to be carted around in all night. Non-smokers may attempt to ” ‘ave a fag” to commit to the bit, but we caution that this will likely cause asphyxiating fits that Waller-Bridge would find deeply uncool.
2. (Democratic Duo) Pete and Chasten: Prove the stability and “legitimacy” of your relationship by dressing as America’s favorite power couple. Sure, Pete and Chasten have no distinguishing characteristics, but that’s good enough for straight people, and should be for you, too. When gay partygoers ask: “Uh…are you from 𝘉𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘰𝘯?,” hang strong, and save your screaming matches for the car ride home.
3. (Triple Threat) Charlie’s Angels: The gayest franchise this side of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has finally been become full lesbian IP, with none other than patron saint Kristen Stewart in the role of sexpot commando. Local girl gangs are hotly anticipating this narrative shakeup, and trios of the toughest broads you know will be dressing accordingly. All you need is peroxide, a severe high-and-tight haircut and a vaguely equestrian action uniform.
4. (Fierce Foursome) The Squad: Got a pant suit and some heavy crimson lipsticks lying around? Looks like you’ve got everything you’ll need to be 2019’s congressional coven. Your primary challenge will be deciding who gets to play AOC.
5. (Fab Five) The Monterey Five: The Audrey and Elvis gala created a 2017 costume staple, but how will queers manage to create a cohesive group look based on season two? As Amabella’s disco-themed birthday party failed to inspire, hopefully the overarching theme of banged helmut wigs is enough of a concept to tie your group together. This season, the ladies of Monterey had a proclivity for looking cold, so grab a shawl you can clench.
6. (Six Pack) Streep Show: You can easily make your Monterey Five a Big Sur Six with the addition of Meryl’s Mary Louise. A thrift store silk scarf and (yet another) shitty banged wig from Party City should work nicely. Oh! And don’t forget a necklace with a cross you can suck on!
7. (Sexy Septet) Sun God Realness: Billy Porter’s Camp Met Gala regalia, but make it DIY. Put six of your closest Instagays to work by having them carry you around on a discarded sidewalk mattress. Your jacked Judies may have a Halloworkout on their hands, but a couple of cans of gold spray paint and a black jumpsuit will do most of the heavy lifting.
8. (The Great Eight) The many wigs of Nicole Kidman: Hollywood’s most consistent queer icon has gone through ups, downs, Scientologists and country singers, but she’s never failed to surprise her fans—and her wigmasters. Celebrate Nicole’s triumphant 2019 with a journey through time and lace fronts, starting with the brutalist bangs of Big Little Lies; back through Aquaman’s waterproof locks; the grizzled rat’s nest of Top of the Lake; Paddington’ severe terror bob; the panicked pixie of Birth; The Hours’ drab Bloomsbury rag; Moulin Rouge’s silky scarlet tresses; and the To Die For flip that started it all. As any student of Drag Race will tell you, don’t remove your wig while performing unless you’re wearing another wig underneath it! And in this case, make sure there are seven!
9. (Nine Lives) Cats movie trailer: Where were you when 𝘪𝘵 happened? Immortalize one of the year’s most talked about (and queerest) film previews by dressing up as your favorite Cats cat and creating a Jellicle Ball with a clowder of your pals. WE KNOW there are more than nine cats, but just go with it okay? It’s hard to say 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 how you’ll make a cat costume without access to “digital fur technology,” but good luck and… don’t fuck it up.
𝟭𝟬. (Dreadful Denary) The ending of Midsommar *spoilers ahead*: This concept has been on the queer Halloween shortlist since the trailer dropped. Your gay dream of finding an application for an entire wall of dollar store fake flowers is finally coming true! The person in your friend group who has the most followers gets to be the May Queen. Unfortunately, the rest of your friends will be left playing the 9 human sacrifices.

The Bottom Line: If nothing else, Halloween is a night of heightened spiritual energy (just ask CoStar), so you might as well look your best for the universe.

Rating: Martha Stewart deveins a shrimp on Facebook Live.

Illusgaytions by: Jared Fresch

Case 012: Last Minute Lookbook

filed October 31, 2019

Over the last 24 hours, The InQueery has received countless DMs from distraught readers desperately seeking help with costume ideas.

“I wear a goddamned leotard every day of the summer.” bemoaned David Goldschmitt, a Bushwick hobnobber with a vast collection of seasonal spandex. “Pride, concerts, drag festivals. It’s enough. I don’t see why I have to spend money on another costume just to make straight people feel supported on their one wild night of the year. I’m tired.”

Our research shows that queers want a costume that exudes cultural commentary, but doesn’t break the bank. After all, there are only so many times you can reuse your “sexy Nancy Pelosi” costume.

The InQueery presents our Last Minute Lookbook: Suggestions for cheap and easy, totally relevant gay getups. We’ve got you covered, whether you’re flying solo or rolling ten gays deep.
1. (Single Rider) Post-Emmy Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Requires several novelty trophies, a low-cut number, a martini, and a wheelchair to be carted around in all night. Non-smokers may attempt to ” ‘ave a fag” to commit to the bit, but we caution that this will likely cause asphyxiating fits that Waller-Bridge would find deeply uncool.
2. (Democratic Duo) Pete and Chasten: Prove the stability and “legitimacy” of your relationship by dressing as America’s favorite power couple. Sure, Pete and Chasten have no distinguishing characteristics, but that’s good enough for straight people, and should be for you, too. When gay partygoers ask: “Uh…are you from 𝘉𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘰𝘯?,” hang strong, and save your screaming matches for the car ride home.
3. (Triple Threat) Charlie’s Angels: The gayest franchise this side of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has finally been become full lesbian IP, with none other than patron saint Kristen Stewart in the role of sexpot commando. Local girl gangs are hotly anticipating this narrative shakeup, and trios of the toughest broads you know will be dressing accordingly. All you need is peroxide, a severe high-and-tight haircut and a vaguely equestrian action uniform.
4. (Fierce Foursome) The Squad: Got a pant suit and some heavy crimson lipsticks lying around? Looks like you’ve got everything you’ll need to be 2019’s congressional coven. Your primary challenge will be deciding who gets to play AOC.
5. (Fab Five) The Monterey Five: The Audrey and Elvis gala created a 2017 costume staple, but how will queers manage to create a cohesive group look based on season two? As Amabella’s disco-themed birthday party failed to inspire, hopefully the overarching theme of banged helmut wigs is enough of a concept to tie your group together. This season, the ladies of Monterey had a proclivity for looking cold, so grab a shawl you can clench.
6. (Six Pack) Streep Show: You can easily make your Monterey Five a Big Sur Six with the addition of Meryl’s Mary Louise. A thrift store silk scarf and (yet another) shitty banged wig from Party City should work nicely. Oh! And don’t forget a necklace with a cross you can suck on!
7. (Sexy Septet) Sun God Realness: Billy Porter’s Camp Met Gala regalia, but make it DIY. Put six of your closest Instagays to work by having them carry you around on a discarded sidewalk mattress. Your jacked Judies may have a Halloworkout on their hands, but a couple of cans of gold spray paint and a black jumpsuit will do most of the heavy lifting.
8. (The Great Eight) The many wigs of Nicole Kidman: Hollywood’s most consistent queer icon has gone through ups, downs, Scientologists and country singers, but she’s never failed to surprise her fans—and her wigmasters. Celebrate Nicole’s triumphant 2019 with a journey through time and lace fronts, starting with the brutalist bangs of Big Little Lies; back through Aquaman’s waterproof locks; the grizzled rat’s nest of Top of the Lake; Paddington’ severe terror bob; the panicked pixie of Birth; The Hours’ drab Bloomsbury rag; Moulin Rouge’s silky scarlet tresses; and the To Die For flip that started it all. As any student of Drag Race will tell you, don’t remove your wig while performing unless you’re wearing another wig underneath it! And in this case, make sure there are seven!
9. (Nine Lives) Cats movie trailer: Where were you when 𝘪𝘵 happened? Immortalize one of the year’s most talked about (and queerest) film previews by dressing up as your favorite Cats cat and creating a Jellicle Ball with a clowder of your pals. WE KNOW there are more than nine cats, but just go with it okay? It’s hard to say 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 how you’ll make a cat costume without access to “digital fur technology,” but good luck and… don’t fuck it up.
𝟭𝟬. (Dreadful Denary) The ending of Midsommar *spoilers ahead*: This concept has been on the queer Halloween shortlist since the trailer dropped. Your gay dream of finding an application for an entire wall of dollar store fake flowers is finally coming true! The person in your friend group who has the most followers gets to be the May Queen. Unfortunately, the rest of your friends will be left playing the 9 human sacrifices.

The Bottom Line: If nothing else, Halloween is a night of heightened spiritual energy (just ask CoStar), so you might as well look your best for the universe.

Rating: Martha Stewart deveins a shrimp on Facebook Live.

Illusgaytions by: Jared Fresch