Case 011: Kindred Spirits

    filed October 28, 2019
  • Recently a reader wrote us with a burning question, โ€œWeโ€™ve seen same sex urges writ large with vampires and witches, but where are all the gay ghosts?โ€ ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜๐˜ฏ๐˜˜๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜บ immediately deployed a team of undercover investigaytors to join a queer ghost hunting club in Lorton, Virginia to get to the bottom of the matter.

    Inside a crumbling Victorian mansion, the ghost revealers (formerly known as ghost ๐˜ฉ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด) attempted to coax the spirit of Mabel Winthrop โ€” a saucy society woman who was rumored to dip into both boxes at the opera house in her dayโ€”out of an 18th-century Georgian Oak grandfather clock. What transpired, ultimately, was not so much a paranormal coming out, but a bout of ghoulish gossip.

    โ€œAs long as Ryan Murphy is around, we can count on ghost-on-ghost action in at least one of his Netflix series,โ€ said Teal Clark, a revealer who uses dowsing rods to make contact beyond the veil.

    โ€œI think ghosts are about to get their ๐˜›๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ ๐˜‰๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ moment,โ€ exclaimed Vesper Dempsey, the club president, as she fiddled with various โ€œpresence detectingโ€ instruments. โ€œThe paranormal pendulum is swinging toward specters, and this time Iโ€™m confident theyโ€™ll get the queering they deserve.โ€

    As our investigaytors waited for Mabel to materialize, Alex Barry, the groupโ€™s self-proclaimed empath, told us that if there were more queer haunts on the big screen, he wouldnโ€™t have to spend so much time poking around historic hotels and prisons looking for lost LGBTQ souls.

    The only conclusion we found is that like our lesbian phantasm, we may have to wait patiently for gay ghost representation to go mainstream. In the meantime ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜๐˜ฏ๐˜˜๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜บ has compiled a list of spirits who have inspired the queer community, from time immemorial to time immortal. Some are evil, some benevolent, and some are just horny. But they all know how to make an entrance, and hang on to their looks for dear afterlife.

  • ๐Ÿญ. ๐—–๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ฎ๐—ป, from ๐˜Š๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ

    While straight children found solace in the angst of a young Christina Ricci, young gays cleaved to Cathy Moriartyโ€™s unmarried gold digger, engaged in a fabulously abusive, fully platonic relationship to her male lawyer (Eric Idle). Even after her violent death, Carrigan rocks a red lip and bodycon dress. Her first line after dying and becoming a spirit is: โ€œ…the bitch is back!โ€ Only the ๐˜ต๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜บ great deserve eternal life, indeed!

    ๐Ÿฎ. ๐—ก๐—ผ-๐—™๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ, from ๐˜š๐˜ฑ๐˜ช๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ˆ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ

    A curious spirit who wanders into a bathhouse and turns into an insatiable monster? Honey, weโ€™ve been there! In a perfectly radical, anti-capitalist parable, this sweet, gender-ambiguous spectre turns beast once introduced to food and gold. Fortunately, the brave Sen teaches No-Face the powers of divestment, leading them to spend the rest of their days with the camp icon Zeniba.

    ๐Ÿฏ. ๐—š๐—ผ๐˜‡๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—š๐—ผ๐˜‡๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐—ป, from ๐˜Ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ฃ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด

    After queering the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and possessing the body of Sigourney Weaver, this ancient malevolence turns up to rule New York in full Grace Jones/David Bowie drag. If youโ€™re planning on an interdimensional conquest, you better lay that eyeshadow on thick, babe!

  • ๐Ÿฐ. ๐— ๐—ผ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐— ๐˜†๐—ฟ๐˜๐—น๐—ฒ, from ๐˜๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜บ ๐˜—๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜Š๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฎ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜š๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ด

    A randy ghoul for the Bridget Jones age, Moaning Myrtle is always down for some magical dick, regardless of age of N.E.W.T. scores. Myrtle may be single-handedly responsible for introducing a new generation of queer youth to the art and pleasures of bathroom cruising.

    ๐Ÿฑ. ๐—ฅ๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—•๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ธ๐—น๐—ฒ๐˜†, from ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜—๐˜ฐ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ช๐˜ข๐˜ฏ

    The fluid, all-too-cool foil to Ben Plattโ€™s Peyton, Riverโ€™s curls alone deserve their own spot in a queer hall of fame, along with his white sweater sets and classically outfitted bartender getups.

    ๐Ÿฒ. ๐—๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ผ, from ๐˜‰๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ฆ

    Not only does Juno spend an eternity reading Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin to filth, but she does it in pearls and a chic set of Contempo Casuals! No straight man can get the best of Juno, be it a lewd Michael Keaton, a stacked team of dead football players, or Alec Baldwin in too-tight khakis. We hope sheโ€™s drinking champagne with Elaine Stritch right now!

  • ๐Ÿณ. ๐—ฆ๐—ฎ๐—บ ๐—ช๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐˜, from ๐˜Ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ต

    Credit goes to any departed soul who will cross over just to meet Whoopi Goldberg. Even as a spook, Patrick Swayze never lets down his thirsty fanbase, delivering an erotic, semi-corporeal wrestling match with a young and strapping Tony Goldwyn. And who doesnโ€™t love a spectre with a penchant for ceramics?

    ๐Ÿด. ๐—ž๐˜†๐—ฟ๐—ฎ ๐—–๐—ผ๐—น๐—น๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜€, from ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜š๐˜ช๐˜น๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜š๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ

    Itโ€™s a widely known that any character played by Misha Barton is inherently queer. But also, when it comes to gay horror, Toni Collette shouldnโ€™t have to do all the heavy lifting!

    ๐Ÿต. ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ธ ๐—ช๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜„๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ธ, from ๐˜ˆ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜š๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜บ: ๐˜”๐˜ถ๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ

    When it comes to shadow selves, thereโ€™s no beating this couple. While Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells starred as an antiseptic Obama-era gay family on Murphyโ€™s NBC sitcom ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜•๐˜ฆ๐˜ธ ๐˜•๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ญ, this hot, bickering couple moved in to FX to stir the drama and sleep around. And yes, they both take turns in the latex murder suit. Thank you for the obsession over Halloween decor, and the fun fetish murders!

  • ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฌ. ๐—ฎ) ๐—š๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—บ๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฃ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜, from A Christmas Carol

    The original d(z)addy, this burly ghostโ€™s Scruff profile would read: ๐˜Š๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ. Bare chested and adorned with a holly wreath headdress, this spirit is ready to heal you on a horny holiday night when youโ€™re stuck with the family. He can change his size on a whim and claims to have about eighteen hundred โ€œbrothers.โ€ Please, save it for the OnlyFans account!

    ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฌ. ๐—ฏ) ๐—š๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—บ๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฃ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜, from ๐˜š๐˜ค๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ

    Like any great Carol Kane character, this Ghost of Christmas Present looks like she wandered out of the basement of a Spirit Halloween store…for the first time in decades. A delightful hag with a violent sense of humor, this fairy tells it like it is to Bill Murrayโ€™s fussy straight miser. Weโ€™d love to see her give it to Kevin Hart in the remake!

    ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—•๐—ผ๐˜๐˜๐—ผ๐—บ ๐—Ÿ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ฒ: Pour a bubble bath, light some candles, set your crystals out to charge, and play Stevie Nicksโ€™ โ€œSeven Wonders.โ€ Youโ€™re in this community for life, and afterlife, apparently.

    ๐—ฅ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด: Sarah Michelle Gellarโ€™s turtleneck in ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜Ž๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ฅ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ.

    Illusgaytions by Patrick Hulse

Case 011: Kindred Spirits

filed October 28, 2019
  • Recently a reader wrote us with a burning question, โ€œWeโ€™ve seen same sex urges writ large with vampires and witches, but where are all the gay ghosts?โ€ ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜๐˜ฏ๐˜˜๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜บ immediately deployed a team of undercover investigaytors to join a queer ghost hunting club in Lorton, Virginia to get to the bottom of the matter.

    Inside a crumbling Victorian mansion, the ghost revealers (formerly known as ghost ๐˜ฉ๐˜ถ๐˜ฏ๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด) attempted to coax the spirit of Mabel Winthrop โ€” a saucy society woman who was rumored to dip into both boxes at the opera house in her dayโ€”out of an 18th-century Georgian Oak grandfather clock. What transpired, ultimately, was not so much a paranormal coming out, but a bout of ghoulish gossip.

    โ€œAs long as Ryan Murphy is around, we can count on ghost-on-ghost action in at least one of his Netflix series,โ€ said Teal Clark, a revealer who uses dowsing rods to make contact beyond the veil.

    โ€œI think ghosts are about to get their ๐˜›๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ ๐˜‰๐˜ญ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฅ moment,โ€ exclaimed Vesper Dempsey, the club president, as she fiddled with various โ€œpresence detectingโ€ instruments. โ€œThe paranormal pendulum is swinging toward specters, and this time Iโ€™m confident theyโ€™ll get the queering they deserve.โ€

    As our investigaytors waited for Mabel to materialize, Alex Barry, the groupโ€™s self-proclaimed empath, told us that if there were more queer haunts on the big screen, he wouldnโ€™t have to spend so much time poking around historic hotels and prisons looking for lost LGBTQ souls.

    The only conclusion we found is that like our lesbian phantasm, we may have to wait patiently for gay ghost representation to go mainstream. In the meantime ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜๐˜ฏ๐˜˜๐˜ถ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜บ has compiled a list of spirits who have inspired the queer community, from time immemorial to time immortal. Some are evil, some benevolent, and some are just horny. But they all know how to make an entrance, and hang on to their looks for dear afterlife.

  • ๐Ÿญ. ๐—–๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ฎ๐—ป, from ๐˜Š๐˜ข๐˜ด๐˜ฑ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ

    While straight children found solace in the angst of a young Christina Ricci, young gays cleaved to Cathy Moriartyโ€™s unmarried gold digger, engaged in a fabulously abusive, fully platonic relationship to her male lawyer (Eric Idle). Even after her violent death, Carrigan rocks a red lip and bodycon dress. Her first line after dying and becoming a spirit is: โ€œ…the bitch is back!โ€ Only the ๐˜ต๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ญ๐˜บ great deserve eternal life, indeed!

    ๐Ÿฎ. ๐—ก๐—ผ-๐—™๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ, from ๐˜š๐˜ฑ๐˜ช๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ˆ๐˜ธ๐˜ข๐˜บ

    A curious spirit who wanders into a bathhouse and turns into an insatiable monster? Honey, weโ€™ve been there! In a perfectly radical, anti-capitalist parable, this sweet, gender-ambiguous spectre turns beast once introduced to food and gold. Fortunately, the brave Sen teaches No-Face the powers of divestment, leading them to spend the rest of their days with the camp icon Zeniba.

    ๐Ÿฏ. ๐—š๐—ผ๐˜‡๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—š๐—ผ๐˜‡๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฎ๐—ป, from ๐˜Ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ฃ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ด

    After queering the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and possessing the body of Sigourney Weaver, this ancient malevolence turns up to rule New York in full Grace Jones/David Bowie drag. If youโ€™re planning on an interdimensional conquest, you better lay that eyeshadow on thick, babe!

  • ๐Ÿฐ. ๐— ๐—ผ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐— ๐˜†๐—ฟ๐˜๐—น๐—ฒ, from ๐˜๐˜ข๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜บ ๐˜—๐˜ฐ๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ต๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜Š๐˜ฉ๐˜ข๐˜ฎ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฐ๐˜ง ๐˜š๐˜ฆ๐˜ค๐˜ณ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ด

    A randy ghoul for the Bridget Jones age, Moaning Myrtle is always down for some magical dick, regardless of age of N.E.W.T. scores. Myrtle may be single-handedly responsible for introducing a new generation of queer youth to the art and pleasures of bathroom cruising.

    ๐Ÿฑ. ๐—ฅ๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—•๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ธ๐—น๐—ฒ๐˜†, from ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜—๐˜ฐ๐˜ญ๐˜ช๐˜ต๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ช๐˜ข๐˜ฏ

    The fluid, all-too-cool foil to Ben Plattโ€™s Peyton, Riverโ€™s curls alone deserve their own spot in a queer hall of fame, along with his white sweater sets and classically outfitted bartender getups.

    ๐Ÿฒ. ๐—๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ผ, from ๐˜‰๐˜ฆ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ญ๐˜ฆ๐˜ซ๐˜ถ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ฆ

    Not only does Juno spend an eternity reading Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin to filth, but she does it in pearls and a chic set of Contempo Casuals! No straight man can get the best of Juno, be it a lewd Michael Keaton, a stacked team of dead football players, or Alec Baldwin in too-tight khakis. We hope sheโ€™s drinking champagne with Elaine Stritch right now!

  • ๐Ÿณ. ๐—ฆ๐—ฎ๐—บ ๐—ช๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐˜, from ๐˜Ž๐˜ฉ๐˜ฐ๐˜ด๐˜ต

    Credit goes to any departed soul who will cross over just to meet Whoopi Goldberg. Even as a spook, Patrick Swayze never lets down his thirsty fanbase, delivering an erotic, semi-corporeal wrestling match with a young and strapping Tony Goldwyn. And who doesnโ€™t love a spectre with a penchant for ceramics?

    ๐Ÿด. ๐—ž๐˜†๐—ฟ๐—ฎ ๐—–๐—ผ๐—น๐—น๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜€, from ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜š๐˜ช๐˜น๐˜ต๐˜ฉ ๐˜š๐˜ฆ๐˜ฏ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ

    Itโ€™s a widely known that any character played by Misha Barton is inherently queer. But also, when it comes to gay horror, Toni Collette shouldnโ€™t have to do all the heavy lifting!

    ๐Ÿต. ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฃ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ธ ๐—ช๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐˜„๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ธ, from ๐˜ˆ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ๐˜ช๐˜ค๐˜ข๐˜ฏ ๐˜๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ ๐˜š๐˜ต๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜บ: ๐˜”๐˜ถ๐˜ณ๐˜ฅ๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜๐˜ฐ๐˜ถ๐˜ด๐˜ฆ

    When it comes to shadow selves, thereโ€™s no beating this couple. While Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells starred as an antiseptic Obama-era gay family on Murphyโ€™s NBC sitcom ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜•๐˜ฆ๐˜ธ ๐˜•๐˜ฐ๐˜ณ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ญ, this hot, bickering couple moved in to FX to stir the drama and sleep around. And yes, they both take turns in the latex murder suit. Thank you for the obsession over Halloween decor, and the fun fetish murders!

  • ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฌ. ๐—ฎ) ๐—š๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—บ๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฃ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜, from A Christmas Carol

    The original d(z)addy, this burly ghostโ€™s Scruff profile would read: ๐˜Š๐˜ฐ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ช๐˜ฏ ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ๐˜ฅ ๐˜ฌ๐˜ฏ๐˜ฐ๐˜ธ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ฆ ๐˜ฃ๐˜ฆ๐˜ต๐˜ต๐˜ฆ๐˜ณ ๐˜ฎ๐˜ข๐˜ฏ. Bare chested and adorned with a holly wreath headdress, this spirit is ready to heal you on a horny holiday night when youโ€™re stuck with the family. He can change his size on a whim and claims to have about eighteen hundred โ€œbrothers.โ€ Please, save it for the OnlyFans account!

    ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿฌ. ๐—ฏ) ๐—š๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜€๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—–๐—ต๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—บ๐—ฎ๐˜€ ๐—ฃ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐˜, from ๐˜š๐˜ค๐˜ณ๐˜ฐ๐˜ฐ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ๐˜ฅ

    Like any great Carol Kane character, this Ghost of Christmas Present looks like she wandered out of the basement of a Spirit Halloween store…for the first time in decades. A delightful hag with a violent sense of humor, this fairy tells it like it is to Bill Murrayโ€™s fussy straight miser. Weโ€™d love to see her give it to Kevin Hart in the remake!

    ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—•๐—ผ๐˜๐˜๐—ผ๐—บ ๐—Ÿ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ฒ: Pour a bubble bath, light some candles, set your crystals out to charge, and play Stevie Nicksโ€™ โ€œSeven Wonders.โ€ Youโ€™re in this community for life, and afterlife, apparently.

    ๐—ฅ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด: Sarah Michelle Gellarโ€™s turtleneck in ๐˜›๐˜ฉ๐˜ฆ ๐˜Ž๐˜ณ๐˜ถ๐˜ฅ๐˜จ๐˜ฆ.

    Illusgaytions by Patrick Hulse