Case 011: Kindred Spirits

Case 011: Kindred Spirits filed October 28, 2019

Illusgaytions by Patrick Hulse

Recently a reader wrote us with a burning question, “We’ve seen same sex urges writ large with vampires and witches, but where are all the gay ghosts?” 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘯𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘺 immediately deployed a team of undercover investigaytors to join a queer ghost hunting club in Lorton, Virginia to get to the bottom of the matter.

Inside a crumbling Victorian mansion, the ghost revealers (formerly known as ghost 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴) attempted to coax the spirit of Mabel Winthrop — a saucy society woman who was rumored to dip into both boxes at the opera house in her day—out of an 18th-century Georgian Oak grandfather clock. What transpired, ultimately, was not so much a paranormal coming out, but a bout of ghoulish gossip.

“As long as Ryan Murphy is around, we can count on ghost-on-ghost action in at least one of his Netflix series,” said Teal Clark, a revealer who uses dowsing rods to make contact beyond the veil.

“I think ghosts are about to get their 𝘛𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘉𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 moment,” exclaimed Vesper Dempsey, the club president, as she fiddled with various “presence detecting” instruments. “The paranormal pendulum is swinging toward specters, and this time I’m confident they’ll get the queering they deserve.”

As our investigaytors waited for Mabel to materialize, Alex Barry, the group’s self-proclaimed empath, told us that if there were more queer haunts on the big screen, he wouldn’t have to spend so much time poking around historic hotels and prisons looking for lost LGBTQ souls.

The only conclusion we found is that like our lesbian phantasm, we may have to wait patiently for gay ghost representation to go mainstream. In the meantime 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘯𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘺 has compiled a list of spirits who have inspired the queer community, from time immemorial to time immortal. Some are evil, some benevolent, and some are just horny. But they all know how to make an entrance, and hang on to their looks for dear afterlife.
𝟭. 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗮𝗻, from 𝘊𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳

While straight children found solace in the angst of a young Christina Ricci, young gays cleaved to Cathy Moriarty’s unmarried gold digger, engaged in a fabulously abusive, fully platonic relationship to her male lawyer (Eric Idle). Even after her violent death, Carrigan rocks a red lip and bodycon dress. Her first line after dying and becoming a spirit is: “…the bitch is back!” Only the 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘺 great deserve eternal life, indeed!

𝟮. 𝗡𝗼-𝗙𝗮𝗰𝗲, from 𝘚𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘸𝘢𝘺

A curious spirit who wanders into a bathhouse and turns into an insatiable monster? Honey, we’ve been there! In a perfectly radical, anti-capitalist parable, this sweet, gender-ambiguous spectre turns beast once introduced to food and gold. Fortunately, the brave Sen teaches No-Face the powers of divestment, leading them to spend the rest of their days with the camp icon Zeniba.

𝟯. 𝗚𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗻, from 𝘎𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴

After queering the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and possessing the body of Sigourney Weaver, this ancient malevolence turns up to rule New York in full Grace Jones/David Bowie drag. If you’re planning on an interdimensional conquest, you better lay that eyeshadow on thick, babe!
𝟰. 𝗠𝗼𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗠𝘆𝗿𝘁𝗹𝗲, from 𝘏𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘗𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘚𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘴

A randy ghoul for the Bridget Jones age, Moaning Myrtle is always down for some magical dick, regardless of age of N.E.W.T. scores. Myrtle may be single-handedly responsible for introducing a new generation of queer youth to the art and pleasures of bathroom cruising.

𝟱. 𝗥𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗕𝗮𝗿𝗸𝗹𝗲𝘆, from 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘯

The fluid, all-too-cool foil to Ben Platt’s Peyton, River’s curls alone deserve their own spot in a queer hall of fame, along with his white sweater sets and classically outfitted bartender getups.

𝟲. 𝗝𝘂𝗻𝗼, from 𝘉𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘫𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘦

Not only does Juno spend an eternity reading Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin to filth, but she does it in pearls and a chic set of Contempo Casuals! No straight man can get the best of Juno, be it a lewd Michael Keaton, a stacked team of dead football players, or Alec Baldwin in too-tight khakis. We hope she’s drinking champagne with Elaine Stritch right now!
𝟳. 𝗦𝗮𝗺 𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗮𝘁, from 𝘎𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵

Credit goes to any departed soul who will cross over just to meet Whoopi Goldberg. Even as a spook, Patrick Swayze never lets down his thirsty fanbase, delivering an erotic, semi-corporeal wrestling match with a young and strapping Tony Goldwyn. And who doesn’t love a spectre with a penchant for ceramics?

𝟴. 𝗞𝘆𝗿𝗮 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘀, from 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘪𝘹𝘵𝘩 𝘚𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦

It’s a widely known that any character played by Misha Barton is inherently queer. But also, when it comes to gay horror, Toni Collette shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting!

𝟵. 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝗪𝗮𝗿𝘄𝗶𝗰𝗸, from 𝘈𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺: 𝘔𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘏𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦

When it comes to shadow selves, there’s no beating this couple. While Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells starred as an antiseptic Obama-era gay family on Murphy’s NBC sitcom 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘕𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭, this hot, bickering couple moved in to FX to stir the drama and sleep around. And yes, they both take turns in the latex murder suit. Thank you for the obsession over Halloween decor, and the fun fetish murders!
𝟭𝟬. 𝗮) 𝗚𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗺𝗮𝘀 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁, from A Christmas Carol

The original d(z)addy, this burly ghost’s Scruff profile would read: 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘯. Bare chested and adorned with a holly wreath headdress, this spirit is ready to heal you on a horny holiday night when you’re stuck with the family. He can change his size on a whim and claims to have about eighteen hundred “brothers.” Please, save it for the OnlyFans account!

𝟭𝟬. 𝗯) 𝗚𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗺𝗮𝘀 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁, from 𝘚𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘥

Like any great Carol Kane character, this Ghost of Christmas Present looks like she wandered out of the basement of a Spirit Halloween store…for the first time in decades. A delightful hag with a violent sense of humor, this fairy tells it like it is to Bill Murray’s fussy straight miser. We’d love to see her give it to Kevin Hart in the remake!

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗼𝗺 𝗟𝗶𝗻𝗲: Pour a bubble bath, light some candles, set your crystals out to charge, and play Stevie Nicks’ “Seven Wonders.” You’re in this community for life, and afterlife, apparently.

𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴: Sarah Michelle Gellar’s turtleneck in 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘎𝘳𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦.

Case 011: Kindred Spirits

filed October 28, 2019

Recently a reader wrote us with a burning question, “We’ve seen same sex urges writ large with vampires and witches, but where are all the gay ghosts?” 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘯𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘺 immediately deployed a team of undercover investigaytors to join a queer ghost hunting club in Lorton, Virginia to get to the bottom of the matter.

Inside a crumbling Victorian mansion, the ghost revealers (formerly known as ghost 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴) attempted to coax the spirit of Mabel Winthrop — a saucy society woman who was rumored to dip into both boxes at the opera house in her day—out of an 18th-century Georgian Oak grandfather clock. What transpired, ultimately, was not so much a paranormal coming out, but a bout of ghoulish gossip.

“As long as Ryan Murphy is around, we can count on ghost-on-ghost action in at least one of his Netflix series,” said Teal Clark, a revealer who uses dowsing rods to make contact beyond the veil.

“I think ghosts are about to get their 𝘛𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘉𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 moment,” exclaimed Vesper Dempsey, the club president, as she fiddled with various “presence detecting” instruments. “The paranormal pendulum is swinging toward specters, and this time I’m confident they’ll get the queering they deserve.”

As our investigaytors waited for Mabel to materialize, Alex Barry, the group’s self-proclaimed empath, told us that if there were more queer haunts on the big screen, he wouldn’t have to spend so much time poking around historic hotels and prisons looking for lost LGBTQ souls.

The only conclusion we found is that like our lesbian phantasm, we may have to wait patiently for gay ghost representation to go mainstream. In the meantime 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘯𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘺 has compiled a list of spirits who have inspired the queer community, from time immemorial to time immortal. Some are evil, some benevolent, and some are just horny. But they all know how to make an entrance, and hang on to their looks for dear afterlife.
𝟭. 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗮𝗻, from 𝘊𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳

While straight children found solace in the angst of a young Christina Ricci, young gays cleaved to Cathy Moriarty’s unmarried gold digger, engaged in a fabulously abusive, fully platonic relationship to her male lawyer (Eric Idle). Even after her violent death, Carrigan rocks a red lip and bodycon dress. Her first line after dying and becoming a spirit is: “…the bitch is back!” Only the 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘺 great deserve eternal life, indeed!

𝟮. 𝗡𝗼-𝗙𝗮𝗰𝗲, from 𝘚𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘸𝘢𝘺

A curious spirit who wanders into a bathhouse and turns into an insatiable monster? Honey, we’ve been there! In a perfectly radical, anti-capitalist parable, this sweet, gender-ambiguous spectre turns beast once introduced to food and gold. Fortunately, the brave Sen teaches No-Face the powers of divestment, leading them to spend the rest of their days with the camp icon Zeniba.

𝟯. 𝗚𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗻, from 𝘎𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴

After queering the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and possessing the body of Sigourney Weaver, this ancient malevolence turns up to rule New York in full Grace Jones/David Bowie drag. If you’re planning on an interdimensional conquest, you better lay that eyeshadow on thick, babe!
𝟰. 𝗠𝗼𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗠𝘆𝗿𝘁𝗹𝗲, from 𝘏𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘗𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘚𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘴

A randy ghoul for the Bridget Jones age, Moaning Myrtle is always down for some magical dick, regardless of age of N.E.W.T. scores. Myrtle may be single-handedly responsible for introducing a new generation of queer youth to the art and pleasures of bathroom cruising.

𝟱. 𝗥𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗕𝗮𝗿𝗸𝗹𝗲𝘆, from 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘯

The fluid, all-too-cool foil to Ben Platt’s Peyton, River’s curls alone deserve their own spot in a queer hall of fame, along with his white sweater sets and classically outfitted bartender getups.

𝟲. 𝗝𝘂𝗻𝗼, from 𝘉𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘫𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘦

Not only does Juno spend an eternity reading Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin to filth, but she does it in pearls and a chic set of Contempo Casuals! No straight man can get the best of Juno, be it a lewd Michael Keaton, a stacked team of dead football players, or Alec Baldwin in too-tight khakis. We hope she’s drinking champagne with Elaine Stritch right now!
𝟳. 𝗦𝗮𝗺 𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗮𝘁, from 𝘎𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵

Credit goes to any departed soul who will cross over just to meet Whoopi Goldberg. Even as a spook, Patrick Swayze never lets down his thirsty fanbase, delivering an erotic, semi-corporeal wrestling match with a young and strapping Tony Goldwyn. And who doesn’t love a spectre with a penchant for ceramics?

𝟴. 𝗞𝘆𝗿𝗮 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘀, from 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘪𝘹𝘵𝘩 𝘚𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦

It’s a widely known that any character played by Misha Barton is inherently queer. But also, when it comes to gay horror, Toni Collette shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting!

𝟵. 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝗪𝗮𝗿𝘄𝗶𝗰𝗸, from 𝘈𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺: 𝘔𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘏𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦

When it comes to shadow selves, there’s no beating this couple. While Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells starred as an antiseptic Obama-era gay family on Murphy’s NBC sitcom 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘕𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭, this hot, bickering couple moved in to FX to stir the drama and sleep around. And yes, they both take turns in the latex murder suit. Thank you for the obsession over Halloween decor, and the fun fetish murders!
𝟭𝟬. 𝗮) 𝗚𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗺𝗮𝘀 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁, from A Christmas Carol

The original d(z)addy, this burly ghost’s Scruff profile would read: 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘯. Bare chested and adorned with a holly wreath headdress, this spirit is ready to heal you on a horny holiday night when you’re stuck with the family. He can change his size on a whim and claims to have about eighteen hundred “brothers.” Please, save it for the OnlyFans account!

𝟭𝟬. 𝗯) 𝗚𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗺𝗮𝘀 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁, from 𝘚𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘥

Like any great Carol Kane character, this Ghost of Christmas Present looks like she wandered out of the basement of a Spirit Halloween store…for the first time in decades. A delightful hag with a violent sense of humor, this fairy tells it like it is to Bill Murray’s fussy straight miser. We’d love to see her give it to Kevin Hart in the remake!

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗼𝗺 𝗟𝗶𝗻𝗲: Pour a bubble bath, light some candles, set your crystals out to charge, and play Stevie Nicks’ “Seven Wonders.” You’re in this community for life, and afterlife, apparently.

𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴: Sarah Michelle Gellar’s turtleneck in 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘎𝘳𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦.

Illusgaytions by Patrick Hulse

Case 011: Kindred Spirits

filed October 28, 2019

Recently a reader wrote us with a burning question, “We’ve seen same sex urges writ large with vampires and witches, but where are all the gay ghosts?” 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘯𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘺 immediately deployed a team of undercover investigaytors to join a queer ghost hunting club in Lorton, Virginia to get to the bottom of the matter.

Inside a crumbling Victorian mansion, the ghost revealers (formerly known as ghost 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴) attempted to coax the spirit of Mabel Winthrop — a saucy society woman who was rumored to dip into both boxes at the opera house in her day—out of an 18th-century Georgian Oak grandfather clock. What transpired, ultimately, was not so much a paranormal coming out, but a bout of ghoulish gossip.

“As long as Ryan Murphy is around, we can count on ghost-on-ghost action in at least one of his Netflix series,” said Teal Clark, a revealer who uses dowsing rods to make contact beyond the veil.

“I think ghosts are about to get their 𝘛𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘉𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 moment,” exclaimed Vesper Dempsey, the club president, as she fiddled with various “presence detecting” instruments. “The paranormal pendulum is swinging toward specters, and this time I’m confident they’ll get the queering they deserve.”

As our investigaytors waited for Mabel to materialize, Alex Barry, the group’s self-proclaimed empath, told us that if there were more queer haunts on the big screen, he wouldn’t have to spend so much time poking around historic hotels and prisons looking for lost LGBTQ souls.

The only conclusion we found is that like our lesbian phantasm, we may have to wait patiently for gay ghost representation to go mainstream. In the meantime 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘐𝘯𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘦𝘳𝘺 has compiled a list of spirits who have inspired the queer community, from time immemorial to time immortal. Some are evil, some benevolent, and some are just horny. But they all know how to make an entrance, and hang on to their looks for dear afterlife.
𝟭. 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗮𝗻, from 𝘊𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳

While straight children found solace in the angst of a young Christina Ricci, young gays cleaved to Cathy Moriarty’s unmarried gold digger, engaged in a fabulously abusive, fully platonic relationship to her male lawyer (Eric Idle). Even after her violent death, Carrigan rocks a red lip and bodycon dress. Her first line after dying and becoming a spirit is: “…the bitch is back!” Only the 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘺 great deserve eternal life, indeed!

𝟮. 𝗡𝗼-𝗙𝗮𝗰𝗲, from 𝘚𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘈𝘸𝘢𝘺

A curious spirit who wanders into a bathhouse and turns into an insatiable monster? Honey, we’ve been there! In a perfectly radical, anti-capitalist parable, this sweet, gender-ambiguous spectre turns beast once introduced to food and gold. Fortunately, the brave Sen teaches No-Face the powers of divestment, leading them to spend the rest of their days with the camp icon Zeniba.

𝟯. 𝗚𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗚𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗻, from 𝘎𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴

After queering the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and possessing the body of Sigourney Weaver, this ancient malevolence turns up to rule New York in full Grace Jones/David Bowie drag. If you’re planning on an interdimensional conquest, you better lay that eyeshadow on thick, babe!
𝟰. 𝗠𝗼𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗠𝘆𝗿𝘁𝗹𝗲, from 𝘏𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘗𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘚𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘴

A randy ghoul for the Bridget Jones age, Moaning Myrtle is always down for some magical dick, regardless of age of N.E.W.T. scores. Myrtle may be single-handedly responsible for introducing a new generation of queer youth to the art and pleasures of bathroom cruising.

𝟱. 𝗥𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗕𝗮𝗿𝗸𝗹𝗲𝘆, from 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘗𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘯

The fluid, all-too-cool foil to Ben Platt’s Peyton, River’s curls alone deserve their own spot in a queer hall of fame, along with his white sweater sets and classically outfitted bartender getups.

𝟲. 𝗝𝘂𝗻𝗼, from 𝘉𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘫𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘦

Not only does Juno spend an eternity reading Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin to filth, but she does it in pearls and a chic set of Contempo Casuals! No straight man can get the best of Juno, be it a lewd Michael Keaton, a stacked team of dead football players, or Alec Baldwin in too-tight khakis. We hope she’s drinking champagne with Elaine Stritch right now!
𝟳. 𝗦𝗮𝗺 𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗮𝘁, from 𝘎𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘵

Credit goes to any departed soul who will cross over just to meet Whoopi Goldberg. Even as a spook, Patrick Swayze never lets down his thirsty fanbase, delivering an erotic, semi-corporeal wrestling match with a young and strapping Tony Goldwyn. And who doesn’t love a spectre with a penchant for ceramics?

𝟴. 𝗞𝘆𝗿𝗮 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘀, from 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘪𝘹𝘵𝘩 𝘚𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦

It’s a widely known that any character played by Misha Barton is inherently queer. But also, when it comes to gay horror, Toni Collette shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting!

𝟵. 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗰𝗸 𝗪𝗮𝗿𝘄𝗶𝗰𝗸, from 𝘈𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘏𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘳 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺: 𝘔𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘏𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦

When it comes to shadow selves, there’s no beating this couple. While Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells starred as an antiseptic Obama-era gay family on Murphy’s NBC sitcom 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘕𝘦𝘸 𝘕𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭, this hot, bickering couple moved in to FX to stir the drama and sleep around. And yes, they both take turns in the latex murder suit. Thank you for the obsession over Halloween decor, and the fun fetish murders!
𝟭𝟬. 𝗮) 𝗚𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗺𝗮𝘀 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁, from A Christmas Carol

The original d(z)addy, this burly ghost’s Scruff profile would read: 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘯. Bare chested and adorned with a holly wreath headdress, this spirit is ready to heal you on a horny holiday night when you’re stuck with the family. He can change his size on a whim and claims to have about eighteen hundred “brothers.” Please, save it for the OnlyFans account!

𝟭𝟬. 𝗯) 𝗚𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗵𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗺𝗮𝘀 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁, from 𝘚𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘥

Like any great Carol Kane character, this Ghost of Christmas Present looks like she wandered out of the basement of a Spirit Halloween store…for the first time in decades. A delightful hag with a violent sense of humor, this fairy tells it like it is to Bill Murray’s fussy straight miser. We’d love to see her give it to Kevin Hart in the remake!

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗼𝘁𝘁𝗼𝗺 𝗟𝗶𝗻𝗲: Pour a bubble bath, light some candles, set your crystals out to charge, and play Stevie Nicks’ “Seven Wonders.” You’re in this community for life, and afterlife, apparently.

𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴: Sarah Michelle Gellar’s turtleneck in 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘎𝘳𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦.

Illusgaytions by Patrick Hulse