Illusgaytion by Sofie Birkin
Reporting by Ali Romig

At The InQueery we strive to push the boundaries of what it means to be a 21st century corporation, yet there remain time-honored traditions we must legally partake in to maintain a practicing business. One such tradition is the opportunistic celebration of capitalist holidays, the biggest and gayest of which being Pride. However, after personally delivering the memorandum for our annual InQueery Pride Party to each and every employee’s physical mail cubby, we couldn’t help but notice a lack of enthusiasm among the staff. Do high-tech sex parties and body glitter no longer appeal? We called on our HR personnel to investigate the missing morale, and quickly. We only had a 48-hour window to cancel our caterer, Kristen Kish.

The team’s findings were overwhelmingly conclusive: queers are exhausted. Between keeping up with the latest lesbian TikTok drama, trying to find and maintain a signature hair style, and suing Ticketmaster, queers hardly have the drive to show up to even the nearest club, rave, or house party. Gone are the days when a canned cocktail and nostalgic music video streamed on YouTube were enough to rally our tired community. Now, even the most vivacious among us will most likely be found doomscrolling to “Orinoco Flow” on a Saturday night.

Our C-suite is nothing if not sensitive to the shifting vibes of queer culture. That’s why this year, The InQueery is pleased to announce that in lieu of our usual boisterous rager featuring everything from moon circles to nipple clamps, we’ll be hosting our first ever Fruits on Film Fest (sponsored by Abso-loootly Vodka). If you think that’s a mouthful, just wait until you see what’s on the menu!

An oasis from the parades and poppers, our petit Cannes will offer those in a state of weltschmerz a way to celebrate Pride peacefully, apathetically, and, most importantly, in full view of others. We’ll be turning The InQueery’s HQ into the nerve center of Pride, serving silver screen or pomme d’or, depending on your tastes.

So if sitting in a darkened room with the juiciest of nature’s candy sounds like your idea of a good time, check out the official program highlights:

Upon arriving at The InQueery’s campus on the night of the film festival, it’ll be hard to miss our screening of The Last of Us, specifically the episode “Long, Long Time,” which we’ll have playing on a loop in the Gayzebo while lovers (or gruff loners) can pick their own strawberries from the plants we’ve sown specifically for the occasion. Enjoy the fruits of our labor while watching the show, or while taking a stroll through our newly erected sculpture garden, featuring bear statues in various states of play.

If you’d rather spend your Pride inside, comforted by the dominant touch of the AC, then head into our Observation Pavilion. Take a seat in one of our queer chair prototypes and try to relax while watching that scene from Call Me By Your Name. While watching, peaches at their very ripest will be distributed to eat, or simply contemplate as a potential lover. However, we ask that if certain (understandable) impulses should arise within you, you kindly take your fuzzy fruit elsewhere–perhaps out back behind our latest fountain installation, a muscled sendup to the homoerotic waterworks of Europe.

For something a bit sharper, head up to the roof for our screening of Tangerine. The namesake citrus will be available to snack on, along with homemade donuts topped with fresh zest. For those looking to document their time at the festival, the roof also features gorgeous sunset views. We invite guests to pull out their phones and snap away. Of course, if you choose to share your pictures, please only post the artistic lofi shots–it’s a lot of work to curate such a careless image.

Don’t think kids belong at Pride? No problem! For queers in search of something on the wilder side, head to our Performance and Media Center where we’ll be serving bananas alongside a showing of one of the most acclaimed The L Word sex scenes between Alice and Tasha (you know the one). While historically phallic, this screening proves that bananas are equally yonic; you simply have to cut them up and toss them in cream. Bring a partner (or two) and feed each other from the sponsored Crate & Barrel bowls provided. And don’t worry about arriving late, the scene is approximately 37 minutes long, we doubt you’ll miss much.

Come, worship at the altar of MILFs. At The InQueery, we don’t believe in board rooms, instead we have playrooms and for one night only we’ll be turning our playroom’s rainbow ball pit into a cherry pit. Our certified ball handlers have expertly removed the rubber toys and filled the gaping hole with the sweetest cherries you’ve ever tasted. While snacking, watch the certified classic The Witches of Eastwick, starring a coven of gay catnip–Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfieffer–which will be projected onto the playroom’s funhouse walls in 720p. These women are trying to get inside you, so relax, have a cherry. Just remember, spit the pit!

End the night at our beacon of yearning incarnate: a brand new lighthouse which you’ll find pitched above the campus wavepool. Inside, we’ll be soaking up the season 2 finale of Dickinson, in which Emily and her sister-in-law Sue finally consummate their relationship while feeding each other grapes (seedless, of course). Emily Dickinson, now there was a queer who knew how to have a good time staying in.

Our conclusion: When life gives you lemons, make sure they’re homegrown organic.

Queer rating: Your homoromantic BFF teaching you how to knot a cherry stem with your tongue.