Illusgaytion by Jack X. Zhou
Reporting by Meg Steinfeld-Heim

A guide to quintessentially queer living

Come on in! It’s time to kick back and relax. Go on, put your feet up…on a pouf, you poof! We at The InQueery feel it is finally time to offer our readers a peek behind the velvet curtain. A glance beyond the lace veil. To see what is really behind those salvaged sliding barn doors. We took it upon ourselves to report our highly specialized research of queer furnishing tendencies. So leave your shoes by the rattan bench in the foyer and cozy up on our French giltwood settee. It’s time to review the methodology of the furniture-obsessed.

After all, isn’t cultivating one’s home decor all about creating the ultimate safe space? And trust us, nobody is safe in overhead lighting. With our proprietary emotionality measurement devices, we can confirm that agonizing over home goods is inherently queer behavior. While the heterosexuals can thoughtlessly add side tables to their Amazon carts and hire TaskRabbits to do their bed-bidding, the average gayborhood residence is a process. As the preeminent queer research corporation, we can respect that; we decided to hone in on what truly makes a home homo and a bungalow bisexual.

First, we charged The InQueery’s interior design team with making thorough, naturalistic observations of queer couples at the local IKEA. Compared to previous data sets, our interiorists noted an uptick in spirited debate over who will be responsible for furniture assembly as well as a deep, primordial longing for the return of the (iconic) yellow bentwood armchairs.

We then shipped our trendiest task force upstate. Every weekend. For months. They noted anguish over overpriced antique wares, picked up on beautiful bartering skills, and recorded a chorus of appreciative gasps at vintage stores across the tri-state area. No surprise, here: they couldn’t resist shopping themselves. When they weren’t haggling over the price of cobalt-colored wine glasses or inspecting the “as-is” surfaces of upholstered daybeds, they formulated a solid-as-an-MCM-walnut-headboard trend report detailing the must-have pieces to foster a timelessly queer space. While the possibilities for a homosexual home may be boundless, we’ve derived five fabulous furnishings to focus on.

Couch Cachet: 

Step aside, coat closet. The couch is undeniably the coming-out moment of your living room. Of course, when choosing a gay chaise, there are some dead giveaways; it is customary for bisexual women and femmes to receive their standard-issue green velvet sofa within 30 business days of arriving at their new address. Mascs may have a more challenging time, as dark brown leather can read “midlife crisis” if the silhouette is too squashy. Gay men may choose an abstract Roche Bobois number or a low-riding, modern Le Corbusier loveseat with chrome finishings. How does a couch say so much?

Venerable Vintage:

There is one thing above all that our expert antiquers can say for certain, and that is this: vintage furniture is predestined to be the fodder of HGTV writers’ rooms, the hobby of older people, and to take pride of place in the living rooms of late-20s queers with expendable income. After all, who wouldn’t want to go for a spin with a dyke who bought vintage 80s IKEA swivel chairs? Be it a cabinet with cane doors or a pink laminate coffee table that your mom will hate, a carefully selected antiquity will be the funky crown jewel of your queer space. Plus, when anyone admires it, you can crinkle your nose and exclaim, “I thrifted it!” There is no sweeter spite.

Snoozetown:

Regarding bedroom furniture, softness is key. And we don’t just mean the bedding, although our team of thread-counters has stressed to us that queer skin shouldn’t sleep on anything other than satin (acceptable year-round) or linen (crisp in the summer, brushed whenever upstate). The bedroom should be a haven, with every choice made by a nurturing hand, regardless of any mommy issues. Consider allowing the amount of natural light in your catnap corner to dictate your chamber’s appointments. Are you sleeping in a modern monolith with black steel grilles and windows stretching to the ceiling? Starched white sheets paired and a low-to-the-ground, minimalist bed frame might suit you. Do you just have one sunny window? Festoon your quarter’s corners with Noguchi lamps. Envelop your bedstead with your grandmother’s quilt and a crinkled cotton throw for good measure.

Practical (Magic) Lighting: 

A queer home should always feature at least one weird little lamp. Be it a modern HAY Pao pendant, a fringed, stained-glass Tiffany number, or even a Red Rider leg lamp with Frank-N-Furter fishnets on, our hallowed halls should be lit with care. While some believe that homosexuality is a sin, we know that a true act against your God is a harsh, white bulb hanging from an overhead fixture. To know a queer home is to know a space resplendent with tiny beacons emitting a warm glow.

Indecent Decor:

We don’t need to consult with our curatorial cohort to know that selecting art for your home is a personal choice. While we think it unwise to make specific recommendations, we feel that at least one suggestion of queer intimacy is mandatory within your collection. The level of subtlety is up to you (and we applaud you either way). These depictions may take the form of an embrace, kiss, abstract naked bodies lying adjacent to one another in a grassy field, or one femme lighting another’s cigarette. The choice is yours! But please, no anatomically suggestive tufting gun rugs.

We provided 100 queer test subjects with the same set of furniture and home accents and asked them to decorate our own model living room on The InQueery premises. No two data points were alike. With limitless dimensions to our queer identities, we now know definitively that no two queer living spaces could ever be exactly the same. If variety is the spice of life, let home furnishings be the secret ingredient.

Our Conclusion: Sofa, so good.

Queer Rating: Sarah Paulson welcoming Architectural Digest to her cozy Malibu getaway.