Case 026: May Day, Gay Dayfiled May 1, 2020
Spring has certainly sprung here at The InQueery’s hyper-sterile, now empty laboratories. And while queers nationwide were able to doze through Easter and Passover FaceTimes with the family, there’s no sleepwalking when it comes to the biggest gay day of awe: Beltane. Friday, May 1st marks the midway between the spring equinox and summer solstice, celebrated in its time through Ancient Rome, the British Isles, and, presently, among faeries, pagans and witches all over the world. If Halloween marks the end of gay summer, then Beltane is the kickoff.
While most Beltane celebrations emphasize group love and fertility (just ask King Arthur how he lost his virginity!), global circumstances will likely cramp the scale of this year’s festival from orgiastic to self-indulgent. But! As our foremothers before us made do, so shall we, no matter how strict the isolation. Here’s The InQueery’s tips for unleashing the goddess in the comfort of your living room.
1.Spend your stimulus check on psychedelics
Cash herr president’s check, make peace with all it represents, and embrace your inner earth mother. With no plans, and no normal to return to, now’s the perfect time to brew a powerful potion and peek beyond the veil of our imploding social order. In ancient matrilineal cultures, mushrooms were considered to be divine—springing forth from the dung of bulls, whose horns were associated with the reproductive powers of the divine feminine and the waxing moon. See you in three-to-eight hours, sis!
2. Collect your roommate’s hair and fingernails
With limited access to your local Santera stores or magic shops (which will need extra love when lockdown ends), you’ll need to get creative when it comes to brewing elixirs. Sure, during a pandemic it may seem as though we have all the time in the world to wait on that dark web delivery of craft supplies, but why delay? Keep a close eye on your roommate’s grooming and sleep schedule, and see what you can swipe. Thank them, perhaps silently, for their contributions, as you assemble your perfectly chic bezoar. Blood magic is even more sustainable than composting!
3. Erect a maypole with homemade ribbons
What merry queer doesn’t want to take a turn around the pole? For a quarantine-appropriate celebration of May Day, the Germanic offspring of Beltane, start by identifying your maypole. This could be a stop sign, a hot water pipe, or even a ceiling fan. If you’re hurting in the satin ribbon department, sacrifice that threadbare fitted sheet you’ve been holding on to since undergrad. Affix your streamers, et voila! You and a very small group of revelers can take turns on the grand wheel of life, two or three at a time, very slowly. While you’re at it, serve a full Midsommar fantasy with a flower crown made from sacred toilet paper roses
4. Absolutely blast Fiona Apple’s Fetch the Bolt Cutters
In ancient Rome, honor was paid to the Haruspex, a seer who could predict the future by inspecting animal entrails. Today, we have Fiona Apple, shaking a box full of her dead dog’s bones…we’ll take it! Perhaps no contemporary cultural icon has embraced “woods witch” seclusion better than Apple; let her latest masterwork inspire your own solitary practice.
5. Share nudes with everyone you love
The rites of Beltane call for explosive sexual freedom, free love and resistance to dominator culture. Though you likely can’t take multiple lovers by the bonfire this year, you can celebrate the queer body among your queer family. Be sure to “accidentally” send a few to your married straight friends—they’ll appreciate the disruption.
Our Conclusion: The age of men is over!
Gay Rating: Isabella Rossellini in Death Becomes Her