Case 029: Femme Fightalesfiled August 7, 2020
The one-two bitch slap of missing both E3 in June and Comic Con in July has left The InQueery bereft with grief. Important research regarding the intersection of gaymer and cruising culture has been postponed, not to mention the indefinite delay of our collaboration with the CW and Texas Instruments.
All is not lost, however. Just like Britney Spears’ Mood Ring (By Demand), we have our very own bonus track of research from E3 that will hopefully tide us over until we can safely makeout in cosplay the next time we’re in San Diego.
Between announcements of a Dance Dance Revolution relaunch and Cats: The Musical: The Game, The InQueery’s Games and Recreation Department was scheduled to host a panel on “Fierce Femme Fightales: The Foundations of the Moderne Gaymer.” The panel was formed to present the findings of a formal survey of over 10,000 gaymers from around the country who were each asked one question: Who were the female fighting characters that made you the queer you are today?
E3 be damned, we proudly present to you our findings. Here’s to the ladies who punch!
Gays love nothing more than a good reveal, and there is none more legendary in gayming history than Samus Aran’s at the end of 1986’s Metroid. This butch bio queen had us all gagged when she stepped out of her power suit and into the queer canon. The anti-damsel in distress, this bounty hunter represents the quiet and capable queers who didn’t need to be flashy to kick ass.
“She wears this exoskeleton to protect herself, and it looks hard and masculine, but that’s just her armor. What queer kid doesn’t relate to that?”
Jasmine Macias, 29, Portland
SOUL CALIBUR: Ivy
Her sword is also a whip. Also: BDSM
“Have you seen her sword? It’s a fucking whip.”
Sub Boy Sven, 39, Andover
SUPER SMASH BROS.: Peach
Princess Peach left gays shook to their core when she took the frying pan out of the kitchen and onto the battlefield in her debut as a playable character in the first iteration of this Nintendo beat ‘em up.Our survey found she booty-bopped the competition above second and third place finishers, Zelda and Nana of the Ice Climbers. Peach stands out from our crop of KO queens as the lone fighter who doesn’t rely on that bod and instead kills us with kindness. Peach the brawler is the zenith of femininity and yet the ultimate subversion: a girly girl who can be cute, turn a look, and absolutely destroy any mustachio’d fucker who thinks she needs saving – no contest.
“As a femme boy growing up it was so satisfying beating the shit out of my older brothers with someone wearing heels and a pink dress. Peach handles her opponents with little more than a bustle and a parasol – she knows the importance of prop work!.” – Jason Tanaka, 22, Charlotte
MARVEL VS. CAPCOM: Storm
When the elemental goddess herself made the leap from our Saturday morning cartoons into our Dreamcasts, queers rejoiced – the queen had arrived! Rocking her signature wrist hook cape and shock of white hair, the greatest leader of the X-Men was undeniably XXX. With electricity running through her veins and the literal wind beneath her wings, Storm reminded us you can be femme and fierce – you can do ultimate 80s glamour and still stunt next season with a vest and a mohawk – there are no limits! Mother indeed provided in all categories, ranking highest in Hair, Body, Face and Dramatic Monologuing to the Sky. Rain on me, tsunami.
“All I ever wanted to do was be Storm and make Cyclops my bitch. That’s gay rights.” -Destinee Graham, 32, Lexington
TEKKEN: Anna Williams
As results were being tabulated it became clear that the fashion choices of a femme fightale were paramount to their success as queer objects of affection. But with so many gals in bodysuits and heels, what elevates a character to icon status? In Tekken there were many characters who exemplified the intersection of hyper-femininity and the ferocity of a capable fighter, but none of them were stunting with a phallic rocket launcher (with a thorny rose painted on the side no less) like diva villainess Anna Williams in her red opera gloves. Survey after survey put Anna’s rotating closet of costumes over her top competitors like Julia Chang (“Ok her thing is Native feathers, what else?”) and Xiaoyu (“I can’t with these basic assassins.”) From her classic ankle dress to her feathered fascinator, Anna’s versatility as a fashion queen gave her the edge in the end. Say it with us, DRAMA!
“Anna in that zebra suit and muff combo? Devastating. I’d say if looks could kill, but she literally could kill you in that thing.”
Leroy St. James, 36, Miami
STREET FIGHTER: Cammy
This British bombshell, who single handedly turned camo from fugly to fashion, whipped votes in several categories. Subverting the machismo of the military, her iconic beret, pigtails, and leotard lewk dominated the polls. Subjects stated that Cammy’s edgy and unwholesome vibe was a life line the young misunderstood homos of yore.
“I had originally written down Chun-Li, but then I remembered Kylie Minogue played her in the movie and like…there’s just no question.”
Danny Tawwater, 31, Milwaukee
MORTAL KOMBAT: Sindel
The Haus of Sindel is chock full of formidable foes (all respect to Kitana, Mileena and oft forgotten Jade), but analyzing the results of our survey it was obvious: Queen Sindel was the undeniable favorite. Between her ear shattering vocals and prehensile hair that wig dreams are made of, the evil undead Queen of Edenia scored off the charts in the camp and charisma categories, areas where Kitana and Mileena both faltered. Respect for strong women of a certain age rallied theater gays, sports gays, and drag queens into an unbeatable Sindel coalition. It’s also worth noting that Mortal Kombat as a platform proved queer for it’s liberal usage of the letter “K” and coining the term “Finish Him!”
“Sonya Blade is a great drag name, but it’s just not queer to be a cop, you know?”
Holly Herder, 29, Santa Cruz
Our Conclusion: She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’ll kick the teeth right out of your face.
Queer Rating: The cast of Dead or Alive Extreme playing volleyball at Jacob Riis