Case 024: So Eggstrafiled April 10, 2020
Here at The InQueery offices, Easter is usually celebrated with all manner of pastel accoutrements. But since the CDC’s latest guidelines classified bonnets, baskets, and bunting as likely vectors for COVID-19, this year we’ve had to boil it down to the most basic of holiday essentials: eggs. Here are a dozen ova-the-top, Grade-Gay specimens that are approved for your consumption.
1. Lady Gaga’s Grammy Egg – It was 2011. Obama was president, and Stefani Germanotta was riding high on the androgynous-alien aesthetic of Born This Way. It was inevitable that the Haus of Gaga, at the peak of its power, would build a secret pterodactyl incubation chamber for this show-stopping entrance. Not only did the egg ensure Gaga’s dramatic arrival, but it employed the gays who hoisted it around the red carpet—and that was during a recession, honey!
2. Humpty Dumpty – An absolute tragic hero for queer children everywhere. A cautionary tale of what happens when you pair polka dots with suspenders.
3. L’Eggs pantyhose – Formative for many a developing gay who, as toddlers, would rather play with the wrapping than the gift inside. Just one crack of this ingenious container evokes memories of our mothers’ sensible heels, shoulder pads, and working-woman looks. Who needs the protein and essential fats of chicken eggs when you can peel open the rich world of workplace glamour of L’Eggs?
4. Ovomorph, Alien – Name a queer grad student who hasn’t written her thesis on these gooey delights, which happen to hatch face-hugging alien parasites! Dripping with subtext, these green, fabulously vaginal exo-wombs ensured the horrific, penetrative death of any straight man who dared approach. Get these eggs an HRC award, already!
5. Tamagotchi – Before Furby and the iPod Nano, there was another overpriced tech toy that was sure to die in under a month. These digital pets offered privacy and purpose to the sensitive gay children who craved care over conflict. If you couldn’t cry over your supposed “girlfriends/boyfriends,” the death of your fictional child could at least stir up some valuable fifth-grade drama.
6. Golden Egg from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Laid by a female dragon (ahem!), matted in a stunning 24 carats and designed to play mermaid pop music, this may be the most fabulous egg of them all! Sure, you could activate its powers by dunking it underwater, but our blossoming, pubescent Harry knows to give it the deluxe treatment, with a dip in one of cinema’s most opulent bathtubs.
7. Ivan Ooze’s egg – Besides Amy Jo Johnson’s outstanding high kicks, gay fans of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie will never forget the massive, massively purple means of arrival for high-camp antagonist Ivan Ooze. “I smell…teenagers!” he yells, upon hatching. We smell a lawsuit!
8. Edie, Pink Flamingos – Edith Massey’s beloved hag-in-a-cradle character may have seemed outre in 1972, but could she have been a visionary? As queer roommates lounge in their underwear and bodily effluvium, binge-watching Judi Dench movies and subsisting on the simplest of proteins, we gotta give it to the girl: She knew how to appreciate life’s simple pleasures!
9. East Egg vs. West Egg – The straight students may have yawned through F. Scott Fitzgerald’s descriptions of old vs. new money, but their gay peers were taking fervent notes: Everyone’s gotta have their Jordan Baker moment, even if it’s at the Fire Island underwear party!
10. Togepi – Waiting 30 episodes for this goddamn egg-Pokémon to hatch was perhaps the only continued arc in the animated series. But who wouldn’t want to be nursed to life by Misty…and Brock?
11. “This is Your Brain on Drugs” Egg – This classic anti-drug ad has been seared into the impressionable minds of 90s babies. Even more memorable was the follow-up, which featured a young Rachel Leigh Cook dramatically smashing not just an egg but an entire kitchen, which more than one aspiring drama student has surely used as an audition monologue. It all came full circle when reigning pop hag Carly Rae Jepsen did a shot-for-shot recreation to promote a new single. We stan a yolk queen!
12. Silly Putty Egg – What childhood toy better symbolizes the code-switching of closeted life than Silly Putty? Malleable and stretchable, this strange substance carries with it our means of survival in a hostile straight world, with just a hint of defiance in its pink hue. Its hard plastic shell guaranteed safe containment, so that we could live to fight another day.
Rating: The third crow of the cock!