Illusgaytion by Jared Freschman
Reporting by Dylan Marron

Boo, hiss, kick ball change, and [dramatic inhale while clutching chest], it’s the most wonderful time of the year! The InQueery’s Annual Appraisal of Gay Sounds gathered its delegates to determine which queer noise will be entered into the The Aural Archive of Gay Sounds. Will this finally be the year of the sibilant “S”? The celebration of the conspiratorial “Ooh”? Or, perhaps, will the hum of a blowdryer finally get its due? The following report tracks this year’s summit.

7:01 a.m. Dr. Rekha Satyal, Head of Gay Sounds, entered the meeting through a long, echoey hallway wearing heels that clicked and clacked. Once she arrived at the podium, she called the meeting to order by taking attendance. Adjourned were heads of all six of the Gay Sounds departments: Gasping, Sighing, Belting, Shrieking, Exasperated Exhaling, and the joint Carey-Grande Caucus for Whistle Registers. No members of the Wait, Did You Just Hear That? Committee were invited as it had been determined that they give off “cop energy.” 

7:04 a.m. A brief but lively discussion about whether or not this year’s gay sound could be abstract. Paul Woodburn (Sighing) proposed Acrylic Fingernails Cascading on a Glass Surface. All in attendance mumbled modest support, but Chaz Parks (Shrieking) loudly interrupted: hadn’t they already inducted that sound in 2009? All in attendance turned to a framed photo on the wall, a memorialization of the many press-on nails lost that year. In commemoration, Melanie Lipinski (Belting) let out a sustained E-flat. Just then, a call came in from the Wait, Did You Just Hear That? Committee and Dr. Satyal curtly answered “Yes. We did.” and abruptly hung up the phone.

7:13 a.m. Noticing the room needed a mood shift, Franklin Wu (Caucus for Whistle Registers) said: “Hey can I show you all a video I rediscovered last night on YouTube?” As is corporate mandate, any meeting on any topic, no matter the severity, can be interrupted by an employee of any rank offering to show a YouTube video (See: The InQueery Employee Handbook Section 2J). All gathered around Wu’s phone to watch that clip of Beyoncé somehow snapping her ponytail from one shoulder to another at the Formation World Tour. Then, due to YouTube’s aggressive autoplay function, the next video began immediately. It was Beyoncé’s  “Listen” from the Bill Condon adaptation of Dreamgirls. Somewhere around the one-minute mark, a loud gasp came, unsurprisingly, from Hector Diaz (Gasping) and all attendees followed suit by letting out their departmentally-appropriate sound. They regarded one another with knowing nods. Yes, they seemed to wordlessly agree: That. Excited chatter erupted.

It was at this moment that, to quiet the hubbub, Dr. Satyal clapped her hands once (2002’s gay sound), twice if you can hear me (2001’s gay sound), and declared that this year’s inductee would be a Fictional Pop Song Sung by a Real Pop Star.

A silence fell over the room—unusual for this group—and Dr. Satyal knew she had been too eager.

“But what song, specifically?” Melanie Lipinski asked. The group groaned (honorable mention, 1998), knowing that they would be here for quite a while.

7:22 a.m. – 12:30 p.m. Brunch.

12:31 p.m. Faye Anderson (Exasperated Exhaling) suggested that they narrow their criteria. It was unanimously agreed that, for reasons of authenticity, the recording artist had to be a pop star, not an actor who sings. That meant Natalie Portman’s ballads in Vox Lux, Elle Fanning’s covers in Teen Spirit, and Lily Rose-Depp’s songs from The Idol were all disqualified. What about real pop stars playing other real pop stars? Like Diana Ross’s Billie Holiday in Lady Sings The Blues or Jennifer Lopez’s Selena in Selena. After some hemming and hawing, the assembled reps decided it would consider fictional divas only. It was determined that the only thing gayer than an iconic pop star is a made-up one. 

1:10 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. Impassioned monologues were delivered, powerpoints were presented, and long-standing friendships were tested. In an 83-minute filibuster Franklin Wu lobbied for “Never Too Far” from Glitter as sung by the fictional pop star Billie Frank as played by real pop queen Mariah Carey. Faye Anderson said that while yes, it adhered to their rules, too few people had actually seen Glitter. Wu replied that that’s what makes it “camp,” and then the ghost of Susan Sontag arrived to explain what “camp” actually means. All were humbled, if slightly more confused, and every song from Glitter was subsequently removed from consideration. 

7:01 p.m. – 9:59 p.m. Dinner.

10:00 p.m. – 2:38 a.m. In a remarkable show of unity, the delegation selected five finalists: “Shallow” from A Star is Born (2018), “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard, “Best of Both Worlds” from Hannah Montana, “One Night Only (disco version)” from Dreamgirls, and “One Night Only (slow version)” also from Dreamgirls. The iconic “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” didn’t make the final cut because, in the Dreamgirls cinematic universe, that song was not a single, but rather an expression of Effie White’s inner monologue. Tears were shed.

2:38 a.m. – 3:02 a.m. Voting commenced and the final two were determined: “Shallow” and “I Will Always Love You.” Just when it looked like “I Will Always Love You” was on its way to the Aural Archive of Gay Sounds, Paul Woodburn let out a dramatic sigh. “I’m so sorry to do this…but both of those songs are about heterosexual love.” The room burst into an electric storm of “peas & carrots” (2020’s gay sound). Paul was right.

Aware of the time, Dr. Satyal ordered the group to quickly choose new options. After mourning the loss of those two classics, the group ultimately replaced them with “Why Did You Do That?” from A Star is Born and “Queen of the Night” from The Bodyguard.

3:02 a.m. – 4:45 a.m. Dr. Satyal, perhaps embarrassed to have not made this explicit earlier, urged the delegates to consider the queer themes of each song while moving into the final vote. “Best of Both Worlds,” they determined, nodded to duality and code-switching. Hums of affirmation all around. “One Night Only (slow version)” evoked the notion of limited engagements and fleeting opportunities. “One Night Only (disco version)” centered on… the exact same themes. Both options were subsequently taken out of contention. “Queen of the Night” was understood to be a declaration of female empowerment that alluded to monarchical rule. Hmm, all said. “Why Did You Do That?” was about questioning, coming around here with an “ass like that,” and, “looking so good in those jeans.” Oh, they said. 

4:45 a.m. – 5:02 a.m. Final vote.

5:03 a.m. After a 26-hour summit, a winner was finally declared. The group erupted with cheers and whoops (2006’s straight ally sound). The delegation chamber’s landline rang and all present intuited that it was, once again, the Wait, Did You Just Hear That? Committee. Dr. Satyal picked up the receiver only to immediately hang up. The cheers grew even louder.

Our Conclusion: This year’s Gayest Sound is officially a Fictional Pop Song Sung by a Real Pop Star Playing a Fictional Pop Star best represented by ‘Why Did You Do That?’ by Ally as played by Lady Gaga in the 2018 A Star is Born for its celebration of interrogation, asses, and denim.

Queer Rating: Angelica Houston’s cape in The Witches.