Illusgaytion by Brian Britigan
Reporting by David Odyssey and Tom Vellner

After serving (volleyballs into the net), death-dropping (to your knees after getting bulldozed in dodgeball), and mothering (your fellow effeminate classmates) for years during gym class, you swore you’d never even utter the word “sports” again. But like thousands of other LGBTQ+ people across the country, here you are now, wondering if perhaps a queer sports league is your destination for the community you crave. Is it finally time to pave over the memories of locker room bullying and staring at the floor while everyone got changed?

The InQueery liaised with hundreds of LGBTQ+ athletic leagues from all over the nation, assembling a guide for you to find purpose, belonging, and identity as you attempt the impossible: using those limp wrists to toss balls instead of salads. Here’s our how-to!

Choose your sport. “I don’t even know what sport I like!” said Max Boulanger, 23, a Google intern and recent import to New York City. “I thought I was supposed to hate sports…but every guy I’ve slept with since I moved to Manhattan says it’s the only way to make friends. Help!” How to pick your diversion? Try looking back to when you first came out. If your mother poured herself a drink, give tennis a go. If you posted it on—gulp—Facebook stories, you may find a home in gay bowling. Didn’t “need” to come out? Those soccer cleats will suit you just fine!

Unleash your uniform. Now here’s where the fun really begins. For the little gay boys who wanted to wear Sofis like the girls on the volleyball team, and for the cheerleaders who would have rather worn football pads like Roman centurions, your time is nigh! Join a gay rugby or lacrosse team, hike up that mesh as high as you’d like, and let those thighs shine! Why not have everyone wet themselves when you roll up to your tennis match in the iconic “I TOLD YA” tee from Challengers? And for those of us with a spandex affinity but a dungeon aversion, try joining a local gay wrestling or swim team. “I just like the feel of lycra on my skin,” says Denise Madsen, a recent addition to Paramus, New Jersey’s Community Wrestling League.

Bond with your mates. Couldn’t let your flamboyant flag fly back in high school PE? Well, now, alongside your fellow queers, you can cleats the house down without hesitation (and without your gym teacher calling you a wuss for missing that fly ball)! No matter the court or field, you’ll be free to kick touchdowns and throw homeruns as your full gay self. And afterwards, you’ll get to celebrate your victory or soothe your loss by cracking open a cold one (White Claw) and recapping stats and strategy (the latest ep of The Traitors) with the team at your local queer watering hole. Say goodbye to getting picked last for kickball and hello to getting picked first to be DD!

Embrace abstinence. Naturally, when hearing about gay leagues, one would expect game night to resemble the infamous Olympic village, but interviews revealed otherwise. “I never sleep with any of the guys,” said Jesse Whitaker, a Nashville-based gay basketball captain. “I much prefer to strip and flirt in the locker room than actually hook up. It’s a lot like this straight guy who used to mess with me in high school. Huh, I never thought about that before.” Why buy the cow when you can have the psychosexual mind games for free? Be a flirt! But if you’re trying to take home more than just the W, don’t let us stop you. Score, girl! Score!

Make your family proud. Even if they embrace and accept their queer children, many parents of gays just don’t know how to follow along. With a less traditional trajectory than our straight siblings, how should they know when to celebrate? If you’re not planning on marriage, children, etc., bring them to a game! You could even ask your mom to bring orange slices for the whole gaggle! When your parents see you kick a ball in those Parke & Ronen shorts, they’ll be your biggest fans. Consider it long-overdue healing since you quit Little League in fifth grade to “spend more time with your collages.”

Our Conclusion: That pinny makes your arms look great.

Queer Rating: Kelly Ripa calling in to The View to scold Rosie O’Donnell.