Illusgaytion and reporting by Dustin Sohn

For our love of all things fluid, The InQueery’s gender-neutral bathrooms are always stocked with the most luxurious products. Our bergamot rind hand soaps and vetiver root lotions have us grasping for any excuse to wash our delicate hands. It’s no wonder flu season is our team’s favorite (ranking ahead of spooky and awards).  Unfortunately for our custodial staff, the constant stream of pumping and lathering requires the products to be replenished on the hour! One particularly grim day when supplies were low, our custodians had to rummage deep in the supply closet where they found something rather alarming: a stash of Irish Spring’s 5-in-1 shampoo-conditioner-face-body-and-mouthwash. Reporting this unequivocally heterosexual artifact to the C-Suite, our team got to work figuring out how it ended up in our facility. While reviewing our security footage, it was recommended that the lot of 5-in-1 be sent to the lab for analysis.

Our researchers found that for heterosexuals, the name “Irish Spring” evokes pleasant associations with the color green and the Catholic Church. The 5-in-1 function points to the hetero male need for convenience as well as their intrinsic ability to throw caution to the wind. Honestly, we’re a bit envious— who among us, during our intricate nightly rituals, hasn’t stood at the intersection of yearning for such convenience and knowing better than to wash your face with shampoo? Our team of researchers didn’t just expose a gaping hole in the queer market, they uncovered an inequity.  

Thus, Silk Serum+ was born. 

Funded by The Human Rights Campaign and developed at The InQueery’s labs, Silk Serum+ was meant to be a multi-purpose miracle. Is it shampoo? It’s not for hair, exactly. Nor is it for skin (though something in the formula does erase sebaceous filaments more effectively than salicylic acid). Silk Serum+ was designed to be an all-in-one performance-enhancing lotion that provided an extra shimmer—a product to visually, emotionally, and mentally amp up queer citizens for high-stakes rituals. 

Uses included, but weren’t limited to:
—sharpening wit (for first dates or being the life of the group chat)
—maximizing natural pheromones (for smartphone-free cruising, the way god intended)
—emboldening style choices (for the perfect revenge look, to upstage the bride and groom, to make someone else’s funeral about you, etc.)
—stimulating the neocortex (for writing memoirs)
—wig glue  

In other words, Silk Serum+ was meant to replicate queer magic. And for a moment, it did. Initial trials were promising. Our anonymous test subjects reported exquisitely feng-shuiing their apartment, tactfully quipping up a storm at a conference meeting, being cast on Drag Race, getting back with their ex Ben Affleck (with a single emoji!). Ignoring all signs that we had untucked Pandora’s box, we weren’t just feeling queer pride, we were blinded by queer hubris. Just as we were days away from a Beverly Center product launch, things got way out of hand. 

Our subjects were exponentially ascending to queer demi-godhood, immediately attempting to restyle the world in their own image—transforming lab corridors into catwalks, over-yassifying InQueery headquarters down to the HVAC units, instigating conference meeting orgies with a single glance, feng-shuing all of downtown…some subjects even developed “mantis shrimp vision” for the gender spectrum, casually discovering hundreds of new gender identities beyond human comprehension. 

Our test subjects were essentially evolving into “evil genie” Jafar from Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar. How derivative! In order to halt their trajectory from dipping into sequel pastiche, our scientists had to act quickly, breaking into our highly secure Lotions and Potions Library to try and find a compound that would neutralize the effects of Silk Serum+’s chemical structure. 

This report catalogs those findings.

TEST 001: Eternal Youth Elixir
Known Effects: Immortality, extreme vanity, catastrophic friendship implosions
Status: Forbidden
Control Test Notes: Ingested by test subject 1. Subject became super cunty (complimentary) before turning super cunty (derogatory); subject only speaks in backhanded compliments and refuses to enter direct sunlight. 
Reaction to Silk Serum+ .036: Moderate

TEST 002: Activator
Known Effects: Charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and pustules
Balance: Disrespected
Control Test Notes: Injected into test subject 2. Standby, subject 2 is nowhere to be seen, but there’s a younger, peppier subject in town!
Reaction to Silk Serum+ .074: Strong

TEST 003: Felix Felicis (a.k.a. Liquid Luck)
Known Effects: A pep in your step, unearned confidence, winning Quidditch games
Status: Forbidden (Forest)
Control Test Notes: Ingested by test subject 3. Subject became the Lance Armstrong of the Wizarding World and is banned from all sporting events; subject won’t stop swish-and-flicking; subject breached quarantine to kiss a dementor.
Reaction to Silk Serum+ .059: Strong

TEST 004: Phial of Galadriel
Known Effects: Homophobic spider repellent. Also glows; great for power outages, spelunking, and Christmas.
Control Test Notes: Topically applied to test subject 4; Subject glo’d up—careful who you call ugly in middle school.
Reaction to Silk Serum+ .003: Weak

TEST 005: Nivea Body Lotion with Shea Butter
Known Effects: Smooth, elastic, supple skin. 
Location: In the fucking basket
Control Test Notes: Test subject 5 simply refuses to rub the lotion on its skin.
Reaction to Silk Serum+ N/A

TEST 006: Yzma’s Extract of Llama Status: 
Known Effects: Rapid hair growth, elongated neck, humility.
Control Test Notes: Ingested by test subject 6. Subject has new hooves and a renewed groove (sad that doesn’t rhyme).
Reaction to Silk Serum+ .002 Weak

TEST 007: Super Soldier Serum 
Known Effects: We didn’t watch the movie
Status: Marvelous
Control Test Notes: Test subject 7 exhibits concerning behavior, e.g. yelling “let’s gooo” every 12 minutes and proclaiming to all the interns that he’s a “boob guy.”
Reaction toSilk Serum+ .000: No effect

TEST 008: CK One
Known effects: Metrosexuality, olfactorily confusing the binary
Top notes: Popped collar
Heart notes: Slave 4 U choreo
Base notes: Friday night at Blockbuster Video 
Control Test Notes: The cologne (perfume?) sample inspired subject 8 to go From Justin to Kelly.
Reaction to Silk Serum+ .088: Strong

TEST 009: Poppers
Known Effects: Increased heart rate, fever, rush, addiction to touch 
Reaction to Silk Serum+ .100: Stabilized

Poppers. We can’t scientifically explain why amyl nitrite was the antidote but we are happy to report that all our test subjects are back to good health (save for some minor chemical burns) and up to their usual shenanigans—planning their next Meryl Streep Halloween getups, tending to hydrangeas, and overall, bringing light, laughter, and magic to the world on talent and merit alone. 

It’s no secret that The InQueery team is made up of witches, bitches, and Nobel Prize Award Winners for Chemistry. But perhaps just because we can bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper on death doesn’t mean we should.

As for the stash of Irish Spring’s 5-in-1, our sneaky custodians quietly filled our Aesop bottles with the surplus, and our staff was none the wiser… Or at least, no one batted an eye.

Our conclusion: We come to this place for magic.

Gay rating: Merlin’s beard.