This past year we’ve sifted through a barrage of reader questions regarding what The InQueery is, precisely. In response, we hired an industry-leading team of PR consultants to help us figure out why the public has had such trouble grasping the notion of a homosexual research corporation. Their recommendation to the board: to fundamentally rethink our decades-long tradition of operational secrecy.
And so, for the very first time, The InQueery is pulling back the veil. Starting today, we are opening our doors to the public.
Welcome to InQueery HQ!
As you explore our sprawling campus, centered around a converted Snapple™ factory at a still-undisclosed location, you’ll find that we’re much more than the “rainbow-capitalist corporate shill” and “Big Brother of corporate faggotry” the pundits have claimed. In our state-of-the art laboratories, corporate suites, and media zones, you’ll witness firsthand our tireless commitment to furthering the gay agenda. It is the cutting-edge research happening within these walls that lets us fulfill our mission: to educate the public on the most critical and up-to-date cultural phenomena in gay America.
Before entering, please sign the NDA at the door
Entrance
Today you’ll find InQueery founder @kozatek ushering a field trip of schoolchildren into our beloved gaytrium, one of many hallowed art spaces here on campus. The gaytrium is used primarily for see-and-be-seen gallery openings. (As a rule, all guests must wait a minimum of 20 minutes before seeing their scheduled appointments.) On your left, feel free to admire our salon-style wall of corporate collaborations, celebrating the contributions by Nintendo, Sweetgreen, and NASA to the fight for queer rights. And yes, just ahead is our custom aqueerium, abounding with day-glo rocks, designer treasure chests, and not a single living fish! Say hello to InQueery deputy editor @goldberhawn—and no, that’s not an FBI house-arrest anklet! Be sure to take a selfie with our one-of-a-kind siren sculpture, donated in 2010 by noted ally Julianne Moore.
Sector I – Open labs
This is where some of our most critical work is underway. Environmental scientists and gay ergonomic experts hash out the future of the “gay grip” at the ongoing Iced Coffee Symposium (ICS); former window designers from Manhattan’s finest department stores experiment with large-scale snow globes; and the UN Commission on Tote Bags (UNOTB) led by @wafflehouses, measures for an optimal sack-to-shoulder ratio. Don’t miss our stunning portraits of gay icons Bert and Ernie—their same-sex-compatible muppet genitalia were developed in this very room!
Sector II – Fabrication facility
Welcome to Sector II, the fabrication facility, where queer art thrives! Grab a BPA-free dildo as you pass through our bondage studio, and be sure to tag our friend/sponsor Williams Sonoma on your OnlyFans! Get blasted with a spritz of our fall fragrance crafted for Le Labo, then saunter over to the screening room, where you can join Disney execs for screenings of the new, gay-friendly Disney+ series Love, Portia and Star Wars:The Bisexual.
You won’t want to miss a single inch of the grounds of Sector II! There’s Marvin, our head of photography, mastering the art of the French Bulldog Selfie—a time-honored gay male tradition! Our in-house Lululemon rep Sebastian leads a Warrior Three Body Sculpt workshop, testing new smart fabrics before the government can get their hands on them. Plop down next to staff writer @stephanierudig and ask for her hot takes on Netflix’s trashiest new docuseries. Be sure to spend some meditative time by our Frank Ocean Channel Orange fountain. Then, ponder the meaning of $erpent$hrine, a sculpture conceived by LadyGaga during her residency at the Marina Abramovic Institute.
Sector III – Corporate suites
Welcome to Sector III of InQueery HQ: our corporate suites. Take a load off in the rec room, where you can observe gaymer specialists reporting on queer cat villagers in Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
Among stacks of memoranda on our deputy editor’s desk is an original snowglobe from the set of Unfaithful. (Don’t you just love Diane Lane?) And don’t tell Space Force if you spot a gaylien or two lurking around this floor!
Put your gloves on and get to work on the second floor, where you can help sort through troves of vintage Playbills, pick herbs from our copy editor’s @nora_macleod desk, and categorize all manner of queer objects—from Pokéballs to Renée Zellweger’s Oscar trophy! Stop by our arts and crafts station, where the remnants of a “painting and pinot” bachelorette party are currently under investigaytion. If you fancy yourself an ice princess, try on a chain or quearring and review it for our jewelry analytics team.
Here on the roof, you can bum a cig off staff illustrator @mousemouse, and visit one of two signature iced coffee bars. Give the interns your input as they dream up new app collaborations with Nike and the NSA.
Outside Sector III, take a whirl through our retail marketplace, which includes Magic Doggie Day Spa, Toss'd (our take on a trendy fast-casual salad restaurant, now in beta testing) and The Gaily Bread, a bakery serving only queer confections. (All shops on campus accept major credit cards and Queercoin, our proprietary cryptocurrency.) Then hit up our obsergaytion tower, where you can study everything queer in the cosmos, from shooting stars and black holes to the beefy bears of Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.
Sector IV – Performance & Media Center
Here in Sector IV, we let the artists take the reins of their corporate identities! Take a seat in the performance center for local drag homages to Jojo, and marvel at blown-up images of Dianne Wiest and Audra McDonald at the Playbill waterfall display wall. And find out just how gay Dumbledore actually was with a visit to the restricted books section in the library!
Sector V – The Tank
Here’s Sector V, which we lovingly refer to as the tank. On the first and second floor, take a winding walk through queer history up our Guggenheim inspired staircase, from the Compton Cafeteria Riots to Nick Jonas confirming that he’s not in fact gay. Gag in awe as you enter The Scott E. Stevenson Institute for Queer Costume and Apparel. The countless gay garments on display include the May Queen dress from Midsommar, Claire Dane's angel wings from Romeo + Juliet, Meryl Steep’s dishwashing gloves from The Hours, and Ursula’s lipstick from The Little Mermaid.
Take a seat on a queer chair prototype in our observation pavillion, and don’t forget to give our resident Afghan Hound, Theresa, a nose boop on your way up the great glass elevator. From the roof, you can help our researchers tend to a garden of carnivorous plants crossbred from Little Shop of Horrors, Super Mario World and Batman and Robin. And look below! An associate entomologist transports termites to Sector V in one of our trademarked hot-pink golf carts.
The Perimeter
What lies beyond The InQueery, you may ask? While we can’t legally endorse cruising in the wooded conservation land surrounding our campus, we can heartily recommend a Virginia Woolf-esque afternoon of silent contemplation in the gayzebo. The rest is your choice!
@wesleyallsbrook we’ll have the crudités and fountain pen ready for you!
@emijean37 assume the position!
SOUL CALIBUR: Ivy
Her sword is also a whip. Also: BDSM
Survey Spotlight:
“Have you seen her sword? It’s a fucking whip.” – Sub Boy Sven, 39, Andover
SUPER SMASH BROS.: Peach
Princess Peach left gays shook to their core when she took the frying pan out of the kitchen and onto the battlefield in her debut as a playable character in the first iteration of this Nintendo beat ‘em up.Our survey found she booty-bopped the competition above second and third place finishers, Zelda and Nana of the Ice Climbers. Peach stands out from our crop of KO queens as the lone fighter who doesn’t rely on that bod and instead kills us with kindness. Peach the brawler is the zenith of femininity and yet the ultimate subversion: a girly girl who can be cute, turn a look, and absolutely destroy any mustachio’d fucker who thinks she needs saving – no contest.
Survey Spotlight:
“As a femme boy growing up it was so satisfying beating the shit out of my older brothers with someone wearing heels and a pink dress. Peach handles her opponents with little more than a bustle and a parasol – she knows the importance of prop work!.” – Jason Tanaka, 22, Charlotte
MARVEL VS. CAPCOM: Storm
When the elemental goddess herself made the leap from our Saturday morning cartoons into our Dreamcasts, queers rejoiced – the queen had arrived! Rocking her signature wrist hook cape and shock of white hair, the greatest leader of the X-Men was undeniably XXX. With electricity running through her veins and the literal wind beneath her wings, Storm reminded us you can be femme and fierce – you can do ultimate 80s glamour and still stunt next season with a vest and a mohawk – there are no limits! Mother indeed provided in all categories, ranking highest in Hair, Body, Face and Dramatic Monologuing to the Sky. Rain on me, tsunami.
Survey Spotlight:
“All I ever wanted to do was be Storm and make Cyclops my bitch. That’s gay rights.” -Destinee Graham, 32, Lexington
TEKKEN: Anna Williams
As results were being tabulated it became clear that the fashion choices of a femme fightale were paramount to their success as queer objects of affection. But with so many gals in bodysuits and heels, what elevates a character to icon status? In Tekken there were many characters who exemplified the intersection of hyper-femininity and the ferocity of a capable fighter, but none of them were stunting with a phallic rocket launcher (with a thorny rose painted on the side no less) like diva villainess Anna Williams in her red opera gloves. Survey after survey put Anna’s rotating closet of costumes over her top competitors like Julia Chang (“Ok her thing is Native feathers, what else?”) and Xiaoyu (“I can’t with these basic assassins.”) From her classic ankle dress to her feathered fascinator, Anna’s versatility as a fashion queen gave her the edge in the end. Say it with us, DRAMA!
Survey Spotlight
“Anna in that zebra suit and muff combo? Devastating. I’d say if looks could kill, but she literally could kill you in that thing.” – Leroy St. James, 36, Miami
STREET FIGHTER: Cammy
This British bombshell, who single handedly turned camo from fugly to fashion, whipped votes in several categories. Subverting the machismo of the military, her iconic beret, pigtails, and leotard lewk dominated the polls. Subjects stated that Cammy’s edgy and unwholesome vibe was a life line the young misunderstood homos of yore.
Survey Spotlight:
“I had originally written down Chun-Li, but then I remembered Kylie Minogue played her in the movie and like…there’s just no question.” – Danny Tawwater, 31, Milwaukee
MORTAL KOMBAT: Sindel
The Haus of Sindel is chock full of formidable foes (all respect to Kitana, Mileena and oft forgotten Jade), but analyzing the results of our survey it was obvious: Queen Sindel was the undeniable favorite. Between her ear shattering vocals and prehensile hair that wig dreams are made of, the evil undead Queen of Edenia scored off the charts in the camp and charisma categories, areas where Kitana and Mileena both faltered. Respect for strong women of a certain age rallied theater gays, sports gays, and drag queens into an unbeatable Sindel coalition. It’s also worth noting that Mortal Kombat as a platform proved queer for it’s liberal usage of the letter “K” and coining the term “Finish Him!”
Survey Spotlight:
“Sonya Blade is a great drag name, but it’s just not queer to be a cop, you know?” – Holly Herder, 29, Santa Cruz
Our Conclusion: She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’ll kick the teeth right out of your face.
Queer Rating: The cast of Dead or Alive Extreme playing volleyball at Jacob Riis