Here at The InQueery we know every meme has a limited life cycle, so it’s unsurprising that the Facebook event titled “Storm Area 51, They Can’t Stop Us All” has pretty much crashed and burned before making it to the launch pad. It’s the kind of lark that could only be undertaken by a cis straight white college student named Matty Roberts… In the wake of his internet joke turned IRL parody party, Alienstock, turned EDM music festival for hetero hijinx sponsored by Bud Light, he’s now deluded himself into thinking his “brand” will go global.
What Roberts and the organizers of the Alienstock fail to comprehend is that brand creation is first and foremost an awareness of what you’re selling. Any Mulder worth his subreddit knows that the defining characteristic of aliens is, after all, queerness. They offer us a better model for humanity: constantly evolving, gender fluid or even genderless, and able to move easily between worlds and dimensions. Aliens are real, and they sure as Saturn aren’t going to let themselves be marketed as a meet and greet by a mob of Phishheads swigging light beer. In celebration of Alienstock LLC failing, and getting closer to knowing the third kind, we’re declassifying our entire database of extraterrestrial records. Our legal staff is nervous, but we know it’s the right thing to do. In making this information publicly available, we're hoping Roberts and the fellow dudebros of the world understand aliens for the intergaylactic queer icons they are and always will be.
The Diva Plavalaguna from The Fifth Element – An alien that can hit a high G over E with ease and houses precious gems within her digestive system is our forever queen.
Aliens from A.I. – They recreate a memory where a little boy gets to spend an entire day with his mother, but not before visiting a frozen statue of a fairy at Coney Island.
Marvin the Martian- We think the Roman influence of his costume (and that SKIRT) say it all.
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The aliens in Arrival – When you show up to another planet uninvited, etiquette dictates an explanatory note written in ethereal calligraphy.
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial – A gaylien that spends a long time in a toy closet and later emerges looking like a season one RPDR contestant.
Egg Monsters from Mars (Goosebumps series) – The titular yolky creatures at the center of a “horror” book for children, in which the events at a girl’s egg hunt-themed birthday/Easter(?) party sets the plot into motion. The egg monsters serve one main function: blobbing together and sitting on top of the protagonist to keep her warm.
Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors – A gender non-binary giant venus fly trap that knows how to use a payphone.
The xenomorphs from Aliens – Ruled by a queen and designed to visually blur the dichotomy of male and female reproductive organs.
The Thing – It's not confined by any gender, orientation, or even a fucking shape. Hooray for fluid sexuality!
The Kindred from The X-Files – Aliens who, after being bathed in GOOP approved clay, have the ability to change genders.
Stitch – A moody space koala who learns the power of chosen family.
Sailor Starlights in Sailor Moon Anime – Gender switching aliens who come to earth because they can smell the scent of their princess wafting off of someone's incense burner.
Serleena from Men in Black II – An evil creature whose first encounter with Earth involves turning into Victoria’s Secret model, Lara Flynn Boyle.
The Martians in Mars Attacks – Martians, they’re just like us. A fierce sense of fashion. Like, obliterate you to a crispy skeleton, fierce. Bad musicals also make their heads explode.
The Bottom Line: If Area 51 has always been on your bucket list and you bought your non-refundable ticket to Nevada months ago, it’s worth your while to attend the original Alienstock. If any music festival can come close to capturing the wonder of Lilith Fair, this is it.
Rating: Zachary Quinto as Spock.
@devilishly_yours we’ll speak with our accounting department, but we’re sure we can make this happen.
@devilishly_yours we’re here for you.
@caraholland that one was @goldberghawn 🌈
@rameswaram we strive for retrospective clarity!
The Sleight of Hand – Variation in hand placement can signify critical differences in the carrier’s culture, attitude and ambulatory intentions. If the carry arm is gently dropped in front, it is safe to approach. If you see one hand raised to clutch the straps, this toter is poised to initiate warp speed—walking on a mission, with little regard for nearby lolligaggers. Do not disturb.
The Fairytale Fling – This carry’s distinct single-finger over-the-back hold can be traced back to the come-hither gesture made famous by witches & wood nymphs of yore, luring unsuspecting travelers from their paths. When paired with a casual glance over the shoulder, this carry is irresistible. By the time you’ve sniffed the poppers within the tote, the spell will be cast.
The Downward Drape – A rare, relaxed hold. Notable for the clean line of the bag, hanging from a loose arm and suspended just barely off of the ground. This carrier has found momentary inner peace, and is ready for a gentle encounter with you or another enlightened toter leaving their Kundalini class. Not to be confused with The Savasana Slump, an emergency hold in which the bag fully drags on the ground. This tote life can be hard, and baby, they just need a minute.
Addendum – The Branded Bag – Should you experience body language blindness, our quick-reference logo guide can help you cut to the chase.
The New Yorker – Fuck me; I read.
The Strand – Fuck me; I read *books*. Bon Appetit – Wake up to breakfast.
NPR – Wake up to a clock radio.
Brooklinen – Easily influenced by advertising, but still worth the sleepover. *
The Bottom Line: Why pay for a pro account when you can bag someone with a 99 cent @Muji tote.
Rating: Twisting your ankle on cobblestone
@mystery_blonde we’re waiting on several angel investments before we can launch the tote line.
@wendyowood A true Canvas Queen 💼👑
@devilishly_yours when employing the Bradshaw one simply doesn’t try to look confident, one *is* confident.