Category: Case Files

  • Animal Crossing: New Queerizons

    As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to enforce a home-based lifestyle The InQueery’s Games and Recreation Department has been hard at work analyzing what titles the queer video game community is flocking to. Based on streams of popular Twitch channels and comments left on the r/gaymers subreddit, a staggering 94% of the population reported seeking comfort in Animal Crossing: New Horizons (ACNH), released this March for the Nintendo Switch.

    We spoke with Brooklyn-based art director Ty Clampton, who said of his time in isolation before discovering ACNH, “It got to the point where I’d forgotten how to 'yaaaaas!'” Clampton spent the first days of quarantine sipping Aperol spritzes and sewing face masks out of last year’s Halloween lamé, but was desperately missing his “Judies.” “What I found in playing ACNH was a familiar feeling: the ability to choose my family, be they a hot-pink rhino or a frog wearing Haus Laboratories’ latest lip liner.”

    In ACNH, gamers take on the role of a human villager who moves to a deserted island with the help of Tom Nook, a raccoon real estate mogul (more on him later). Nook asks that you persuade villagers to join your island community and commit to improving the overall quality of life. Apart from recruiting new neighbors, one catches butterflies, builds a museum’s collection, decorates a house, cultivates rare flowers, and embarks to DIY everything: all of the interests typically provoked by one week in Provincetown or Key West.

    While some denizens of your budding queer utopia will delight—Merry the Cat talking about her favorite lesbian comic book or Antonio the Antearer assessing and complimenting your muscles—there are bound to be characters whose personalities may leave you button-mashing for the distress reaction. We’ve taken a look at several of these prominent characters and their…quirks.

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    Tom Nook, The Gay Mafia Boss – As head of Resident Services on your island, Tom Nook promises alarmingly swift house upgrades in exchange for labor. This only lasts for so long, as he starts to demand large sums of bells (the animal world’s currency), or Nook Miles (a quantified achievement currency) before any new construction project can break ground. Although he offers you constant encouragement and gifts like a “free” smartphone (with closely monitored GPS), Nook’s nice-guy talk always ends with a coda that basically translates to, “Where’s my goddamn money!” And there’s no question of who runs the real estate cabal. Whichever far-flug island you may travel to, villagers all seem to know this racoon tycoon. The question is, when they hear his name, do they shudder in fear or in fawn in adoration?

    Gulliver, The Messy Hookup – We first meet this busted bird when he washes ashore with nothing but a sailor’s outfit and a broken phone. Think Castaway meets Fleet Week. Once awakened, Gulliver groggily asks for help finding the missing parts for his phone. Upon returning the lost pieces, he appears to get right on The Apps™, sending his location to an undisclosed party…typical!

    Wilbur and Orville, The Cloying Instagay Couple – As heads of the efficient “Dodo Airlines,” Orville runs the front desk with the help of his headset and early-aughts gay haircut. His partner, Wilbur, is an enviably cool pilot for their fleet of seaplanes. Business aside, these two have a palpable connection, exemplified by their seemingly endless supply of pet names for one another (“Bell Bottom synth-pop, this is stovetop kaleidoscope, do you require assistance? Over.”) At first, it’s cute, but by your fifth flight, it’s like we GET IT, you’re together, just take us to tarantula island!

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    Celeste, The Drag Mother – Celeste, a starry-eyed, pink-plumaged owl is ACNH’s answer to the contemporary witchcraft zeitgeist. Chani Nicholas, you have company. Aside from sharing her love of the cosmos, Celeste teases you with a recipe for a item Cher Horowitz would die for: a star-topped wand that gives you the ability to turn out eight different #lewks with a flick of the wrist. Thing is, making one of these sartorial scepters requires that you wish upon a star, which couldn’t sound dreamier but is actually a real bitch.

    Flick, The Obsessed Artist – Flick is a pierced, leather-clad chameleon wielding a studded net who appears on your island in search of the perfect “soul bug” and its “appendages” to inspire his art. Consider the rough-hewn look of Lisbeth Salander in Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but with the approach of an art school dilettante. From the get-go we learn that Flick has ample bells to spare in exchange for any bugs you catch. But this begs the question: is there a high price tag for commissioned beetle busts, or is someone dipping into their trust fund a little early?

    C.J.,The Queer Baiter – Tackle isn’t the only bait C.J., the social media and fish-loving beaver, is serving. As if the requirements for his fishing tournament weren’t annoying enough, his use of the word “partner” when referring to Flick, has the exhausting punch of two seasons’ worth of “just fuck already!” on Killing Eve.

    Saharah, The Shady Lady – A worldly textile merchant, Saharah the camel visits the island at random to hawk her rugs and wallpapers. This butch icon sports an embroided teal vest, luxuriously long lashes, and feathered bangs that would send Angel Olsen packing. Though she has style, she’s scant on substance: no matter what rug you buy, it’s always her “favorite.” Her “buy blind” business model isn’t the most ethical, but label something “mysterious” and queers can’t help themselves!

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    Wisp, The Baby Gay – Whether you’re out late at night prowling for fireflies or stumbling home from a fête, you’re bound to cross paths with this easily-spooked specter. It isn’t his fault his name lisps for you! He’s a sensitive ghost, capable of literally losing himself in the presence of others (we’ve all been there). Retrieve his phantasmal parts and Wisp will pay you for your troubles by offering something new or something “expensive.” We think Wisp’s sugar daddy is the one to thank.

    K.K. Slider, The Pandering Pop Star – Meet the Sheryl Crow of the animal world: a chill-vibes-only dog with no discernible clothes and the thickest brows in the biz. Upon completion of the first leg of the game, Slider will visit your island to perform a special acoustic guitar set. Fusing the sounds of the Indigo Girls, K.D. Lang, and the aliens from Toy Story , this dog’s trick is giving queer audiences exactly what they came for.

    Our Conclusion: It wouldn’t be a chosen family if some members didn’t drive you to wield an axe against a tree every once in a while.

    Queer Rating: C.J. Craig falling into a pool on The West Wing.

    @caraholland you always taught us to lead by eggzample!

  • Stay the Fuck Homo

    While COVID-19 has held much of the population in lockdown, The InQueery has been fast at work collecting the accounts of gays from across the socioeconomic spectrum. Based on our digital surveys, it seems that queers of all sorts are pivoting to seclusion.

    “Compared to straights, gays are faring relatively well in these conditions,” says The InQueery's cultural anthropologist, Dr. Beth Krantz. “Perhaps it’s because they are used to staying home and watching The View. Or, just theorizing, every gay person is an only child at heart. I can’t really speculate.”

    To better understand the sequestered gay lifestyle, we consulted The InQueery's head of film and media research, Alan Korn-Schlessinger. “There’s certainly precedent for this behavior,” Korn-Schlessinger noted. “Queer film, literature, and history abounds with gay heroes who, when faced with societal oppression, choose to shelter in place.” Could it be, that by immersing ourselves in our favorite gay movies we’ve been training for a life lived indoors?

    To help you find inspiration for a fabulously cloistered lifestyle, we’ve compiled a list of the essential queer canon shut-ins—from clean freaks with a vision, to Roald Dahl-esque aunties. Stay in, keep your hands clean, and take good care of your bird: We’re playing the long game!

    Sheila Jackson, Shameless (Showtime and Netflix) – While Fiona, Frank, and the rest of the Gallagher family indulged in filthy yet endearing hijinks in Chicago’s South Side, Joan Cusack’s Sheila rightly chose to stay indoors. As the heart-pure optimist and hardcore agoraphobic Sheila, Joan got to indulge in classic set pieces of clean-freakery gone manic. But perhaps her paralyzing fear of stepping foot outdoors, played for comedy during the Obama years, could be viewed as instructional in these uncertain times. While you’re at it, take note of her comprehensive fixation on strap-ons and pegging equipment—it’s never too dire for some at-home pegging!

    Big and Little Edie, Grey Gardens (1975 documentary on Amazon Prime, 2009 narrative movie on HBO) – We’ve all known (or been) that girl in the scene: Once fabulous, and perhaps now a little out of it, but still serving tea like we’re at the center of the universe. Enter Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale, aunt of former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Sure, she lived in a racoon-infested hovel with her daughter for decades, with nearly no outside contact, but that doesn’t mean she’s going out quietly. “I had my cake, loved it, masticated it, chewed it, and had everything I wanted!” C’est bon! And don’t sleep on her daughter, Little Edie, who won’t let the bloodline fixation on social alienation stop her from pursuing her cabaret dreams, little by little, day by day, even if it means a low-stakes flag show on July 4th or a sensible catwalk for all the feral felines to see.

    Miss Havisham, Great Expectations – What’s so gay about literature’s most infamous shut-in? Besides the fact that she’s been played by Anne Bancroft, Charlotte Rampling, Gillian Anderson, and Helena Bonham Carter, Miss Havisham has all the camp, tragedy, and counter-culture we want in a queen. Confined in a dilapidated mansion and wearing her tatty wedding dress decades after getting jilted at the altar, Miss Havisham offers more elegant decay than a McQueen runway!

    Carol White, Safe (Criterion Collection) – Leave it to Todd Haynes and Julianne Moore to make sense of how ill-equipped self-help culture and the American Dream are when it comes to disease, death, and the abject chaos of contemporary life. Is Moore’s Carol experiencing a sudden allergic response to the chemicals, pesticides, and airborne effluvium of post-industrial Los Angeles…or is it something more? If you see the current moment as, at its best, a chance for reflecting on what got us here and what is very wrong with the society we live in, consider Carol White your Cassandra.

    Vivian & Lily Charles, Pushing Daisies (Amazon Prime) – After surviving the end of their synchronized swimming career and the perils of male gaslighting, sisters and former “Darling Mermaid Darlings” Vivian and Lily Charles embarked on a new life indoors, raising their orphaned niece Charlotte in a male-free paradise. What’s not to love: a walk-in freezer of rare smoked cheeses; birds to raise, and, eventually, stuff and mount; morning, midday, and evening martinis; and, most notably, secrets that are decades in the keeping? For queers hiding out from the catastrophic consequences of a male government and a disease-spreading populace, the Charles sisters remind us: Keep your loved ones close and your eye-patches sanitized.

    The Phantom and V, The Phantom of the Opera and V for Vendetta (Netflix) – Though the Phantom sets up shop beneath the Paris Opera House in the 19th century and V makes his home in the London underground of a dystopian future, both outcasts fit the same mold: Hide away from a cruel world; design a fabulously baroque cave of culture; seduce an ingenue into a lifestyle of darkness and free will; and wear all black, all the time, like you’re an assistant at fashion week. Immortalized by high-budget gay auteurs Andrew Lloyd Webber (technically straight) and the Wachowskis, respectively, these sequestered seducers prove you can do a lot with some well-placed candles and Ella Fitzgerald records. Consider these two your inspiration when it comes time to papier-mâché our own outdoor-contact masks.

    Our Conclusion: Be like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard: Stay big, and stay ready.

    Rating: Kathy Bates’s hair in Misery

    @wyattfenner bless you, our child 💗

  • #OscarsSoStraight

    This year’s Oscar nominations caused the usual uproar; once again the Academy’s pledge to acknowledge and reward more diverse contributions went unheeded. It’s been pointed out at length that #OscarsStillSoWhite and #OscarsStillSoMale, but what struck those of us at The InQueery was that, repeatedly, #OscarsSoStraight.

    Sure, there have been straighter eras in Oscar history, but a cursory look at the nominees in any other recent year reveals at least three films that are undeniably out and proud. According to our research, one would have to look back to at least 2005, when Million Dollar Baby and The Aviator reigned supreme, to find a crop of nominees so bereft of queerness. Which got us wondering—where would this year’s pictures fall on the Kinsey Scale?

    The InQueery acknowledges that the Kinsey Scale is sorely lacking as a tool of measurement in today’s queer landscape: It doesn’t capture the intersecting arrays of human sexuality, relies too heavily on the gender binary…and frankly, six is a weird number to use for ranking things. That said, nobody who wants a nuanced discourse comes to the table for Oscars tea. These rankings are based on polling conducted at The InQueery’s Media Institute, and are not definitive, but rather a rough approximation based on our sample size. As a reminder, zero represents “exclusively heterosexual,” with six at the opposite end indicating “exclusively homosexual,” and separate from the scale continuum; a rating of X equals “no socio-sexual contacts or reactions.”

    0. Richard Jewell: Living legend Kathy Bates is relegated to playing the “long suffering wife or mother” character. We thought that trend ended when Laura Linney played Alfred Kinsey’s partner.

    0. Joker: It’s basically the story of a standup comedian and how his mommy issues drive him to kill, right? Straight!

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    0. The Irishman: The InQueery could not find a single queer person who would admit to having seen this film, though all agreed that this was unequivocally the straightest in the bunch.

    0. Ford v Ferrari: The only thing that could’ve saved this car movie would be a simmering sexual tension between Matt Damon and Christian Bale, but they just don’t seem that into each other?

    .5 Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood: A movie about Sharon Tate and the Manson family should be way more fun and femme than this. We preferred The Haunting of Sharon Tate, starring Lizzie Maguire and Aaron Samuels from Mean Girls. This film almost makes a one for Brad Pitt’s gratuitous shirtless buddy scenes.

    1. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood: The thing we always liked about Mister Rogers is that he represented a different sort of masculinity, one that allows men to be caring and in touch with their feelings. The focus on the GQ writer unfortunately knocked this back to a rating of one.

    1. Marriage Story: Heteronormativity is literally in the title. Might as well be Boring Straight Upwardly Mobile Marriage Story. We’re giving this a one, though, for Laura Dern basically playing her character from Big Little Lies.

    1. 1917: War movies are painfully straight, but they can sometimes be salvaged by a subtle undercurrent of homoeroticism. 1917 doesn’t go in that direction, and our audiences found the illusion of the single take uninspired. Rope did the same thing way back in 1948, and that movie has nearly Hays code-breaking levels of queerness.

    2. Jojo Rabbit: Someone heard “Springtime for Hilter” from The Producers and decided a Nazi farce wasn’t a totally doomed concept.

    2. Harriet: We think there’s room in the history books for a queering of Harriet Tubman, but this was a pretty direct historical reenactment. Points awarded for the inclusion of Janelle Monae.

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    3.5. Little Women: We stan a film that’s so femme-focused, and Little Women is a very queer story of sisterhood, including not depicting a single kiss between Jo and Laurie. Greta Gerwig can get it. But period pieces that are all about everyone nestled by the fire and being excited that mother’s coming home will always remain a little stiff and straight.

    4. Parasite: Anything about class warfare and family secrets has a bit of a queer bent, but particularly if it’s coming from the guy who gave us a fucking indoor secret garden aboard a train in Snowpiercer. Extra points for the use of peach dust as a poison.

    4. Bombshell: The full length movie never quite matched the excitement of the trailer, but queer points awarded for Kate McKinnon’s closet-liberal and barely closeted gay character Jess Carr, and Charlize Theron’s makeup artist.

    5.5 Pain and Glory: The only film nominated this year that’s actually by a gay person, however points were dedcuted for the straight actor playing a gay protagonist.

    6. Judy: A biopic of the original and most enduring gay icon should be a slam dunk. Unfortunately, Zellweger wasn’t quite good enough to make this great, and worse, not bad enough to qualify this for midnight movie infamy.

    X. The Two Popes: The Catholic Church: and all its accoutrements are pretty queer, but we can’t think of a less-sexual premise than a movie about two elderly celibate men wearing stupid hats and pontif-icating (pun intended).

    Rating: The wickedly talented, one and only Adele Dazeem.

  • The Creatures Who Queered Christmas Cinema

    In celebration of the holiday season, The InQueery has surveyed queers in all 50 states (and Puerto Rico) on the Christmas movies they revisit year after year. Our team was stunned to discover that though gay viewers are happy to rewatch films about good will and cheer, they’re absolutely devoted to the horrors who come down the chimney to terrorize otherwise happy families.

    “Krampus was the first time I felt seen by a Christmas movie,” said Veruca D’Andrea, 29, a tattoo artist from Asheville, North Carolina. “My family always makes me feel like a beast when I walk through the front door on Christmas eve, so why not embrace that?”

    For queers made to feel like outliers by families who subscribe to a heterofascist ideology, representations of monsters and cryptids blowing the yuletide to smithereens can be liberating. To further assist in holiday healing, The InQueery has rounded up the most essential cinematic queer beasts of the season.

    Oogie Boogie, The Nightmare Before Christmas – While the emaciated, emo-identifying Jack Skellington tries to make Christmas work, no matter the cost, he leaves a bound-and-gagged Santa Claus in the care of this boogeyman. A sentient mass of insects bound by a burlap sack, zaftig party girl Oogie Boogie spends his Christmas gambling with Santa’s life. In terms of high-stakes theatrics, he’s a regular Julie Taymor!

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    The Mothman, The Mothman Prophecies – When marooned in a dumpy West Virginia Town, what’s a fabulous winged demon supposed to do? While flying around looking for a queer holiday swap, our lofty harbinger of doom spots none other than Debra Messing (!), and incidentally kills her with his blood-red eyes. What can we say, he got excited! The Mothman then sets out to terrorize Laura Linney and Richard Gere as December 25th draws near—likely a pre-emptive strike on her character’s bullshit in Love, Actually just one year later; now that’s a prophecy! After some last-minute holiday shopping, Linney’s car takes an icy plunge into the river courtesy of the Mothman, leaving her floating among beautifully wrapped holiday gifts This demon knows the power of a gay fucking tableau!

    The Penguin, Batman Returns – After being born a little different, the young Oswald Cobblepot was tossed in the river on Christmas Eve by his blue-blood parents. Decades later, Cobblepot returns, as the Penguin to repeat the crimes done against him writ large, upon all the first born children of Gotham. And who among us hasn’t been there? With three fingers, black bile, and a taste for raw fish, Danny DeVito’s Penguin is a hero for those of us who have never quite fit in at the family dinner table. And though he’s cursed to wallow forever in the sewers, he elects for underground life in style—with giant rubber ducks, colorful weaponized umbrellas, and a delightful crew of homicidal carnies. He’s still getting our vote for mayor!

    Krampus – Whenever queer icon Toni Collette tries to play a good, heteronormative mom, you know some dark shit is about to go down. In The Sixth Sense, it was dead people; In Hereditary, it was that pesky Paimon; and in Krampus, it’s the cloven-hooved shadow sibling of Saint Nicholas. Just as the Babadook emerged as the queer icon of 2017’s pride season, so has this film’s incarnation of the Bavarian folk story inspired legions of gays to be out and proud at their family celebrations. With a long beard, rippling abs, chains and a loincloth, he’s more fit for a BDSM dungeon than a midnight mass—and he’s not ashamed to show it!

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    The Gremlins – Released in the wild west era of the early 80s before the implementation of the PG-13 rating, Gremlins is that rare children’s movie featuring satanic elf monsters who torture and murder women and children with glee! The Gremlins exposed generations of children to the dark animus to Christmas consumerism. Along with Phoebe Cates’ character, who confesses that her father, dressed as Santa, got stuck in a chimney and died, the Gremlins ensured that no child would ever sleep soundly again come Christmas Eve. And that’s how we like it!

    Meredith Morton, The Family Stone – Crashing like a wrecking ball into Diane Keaton’s idyllic New England Christmas is this Manhattanite battle axe, “the bigoted bitch from Bedford,” played with ice-water chill by Sarah Jessica Parker. Totally misplaced and absolutely sinking herself deeper, Meredith is the ultimate outsider. But, by the sheer force of “I’m Still Here” chutzpah that any queer can celebrate, she sticks around, helps the Stone family cope, and bed-hops from Dermot Mulroney to Luke Wilson, both in their primes. Sure, her rant about gay adoption is unforgivable, but her heart was in the right place, which can’t be said for her shady sister Claire.

    The Bottom Line: Until Elsa gets can go homo for the holidays, we’ll keep putting out the milk and cookies for this lot of naughty Noel miscreants.

    Rating: Molly Shannon’s hot chocolate headdress in How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

  • Our Gaily Bread

    Conventional wisdom suggests the gayest bread may be no bread at all. At it’s foundation, though, bread is inherently queer. The Spanish call it pan (an identity), the French call it pain (a way of life), and Americans performatively deny themselves the pleasure of eating it (a need for control). Now, with the release of fledgling gay icon Claire Saffitz’s straightfoward bread baking guide in The New York Times, and a seemingling endless stream of The Great British Bake Off same-sex shipping rumors, bread’s queer factor has soared. It hasn’t been this high since the infamous all-male dinner party at which Jesus raised a loaf and declared “This is my body. Eat me.” Reports from our trend forecasters here at The InQueery all confirm: Bread, once again, is on the rise.

    For The InQueery's director of catering, Garin Hayes, the Breadassaince can’t come soon enough. “I’m tired of gluten grinches tossing my buns,” says Hayes. “I wish I could shove them in the proving drawer ‘til their little gay hearts double in size.” *

    Every day more queer folks are saying “that’s a wrap” to lettuce as they realize the unleavened life is just not worth living. To help a generation of carb counters refamiliarize themselves with the yeasty treats of yesteryear we have compiled a roll call of gay bread’s upper crust. Bready or not, it’s time to get back on the pain train and delight in a slice!

    Focaccia: Much like a sexy vespa owner you met on your study abroad, this bread is charmingly dimpled, perfectly salty and has a name you can almost pronounce. Finished with an oily fingering, this bread is unquestionably queer. Equally fabulous as a sandwich bread, in lieu of pizza crust, or simply dipped in more oil, this bake is also legitimately Vers. Perfectly paired piazza-side with the latest André Aciman novel. (Yes, Elio can say Fagccocia.)

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    Ezekiel 4:9 Bread: Made from grains that are sprouted, then ground down, then expected to rise again, this bread comes out of the oven like it’s a closet. It’s story is as queer as it’s recipe is ancient: your biblical roots wither in favor of taking weekend hikes just outside metropolitan areas.

    Pita Bread: The tote bag of breads, made all the more queer from the lack of straps. This bready clutch can be stuffed with any number of gay fillings, but our test kitchen has declared peak pita to be falafel piled high with a chopped salad and cilantro, the queerest food of all.

    Fougasse: Highly decorative, often used as a centerpiece, and impossible to say aloud without blurring the lines of your sexual preference.

    Wonder Bread: Superlative yet basic. Wonder Bread is chemically stripped of anything natural then supplemented with vitamins and minerals while maintaining a shockingly white and homogenous crumb, making it the instagay of baked goods. Immortalized in pop art, this bread is sliced camp.

    Hero: A softer, stouter, American version of a Baguette (either Gay or European, conflicting studies show). Depending on the region, this bread is referred to as a Sub, Hoagie, Grinder, Blimp, Zeppelin, Torpedo, Spuckie, Bomber or Dagwood. The InQueery's Hayes said, “I mean, come on!”

    Brioche: Two words: “Enriched Dough.” Two more words: “Yes Zaddy.”

    Banana Bread: A culinary Cinderella story, this bread makes a showstopper out of something neglected and some other stuff you happen to have around. It’s also the only bread on our list to use a past-its-prime fruit as a binding agent. Novice gay bakers may be surprised to learn just how simple it is to get a rise out of mushy bananas.

    Sourdough: Notably associated with San Francisco, this literally cultured bread is also the most high maintenance. Despite criticism that “being kneady isn’t a personality,” the more tangy this bread gets the more we desire it. A warning to home bakers: the attention demanded by this unforgiving dough could consume your entire weekend and, if you’re not careful, you’re life.

    Rating: Paul Hollywood in Provincetown – Bread Week's just Bear Week with an extra "d".

    @corn.arts we’ll send you a sample 👌🏻

    @creature_named_jacob one could say so!

    “When my girlfriend moved in, I was scared she would find my box,” said Melanie Brewer, a middle school music teacher who lives in a studio in Astoria, New York. “I wasn’t sure what she’d say if she found out I saw The Performers every night of it’s one week run, so I split the bills up and hid them in every nook and cranny. Then one day I was cleaning and I found her shoe box, complete with the Hello, Dolly! Holy Trinity: Bette, Donna, and Bernadette! I should have known. I’ve returned most of mine to their proper home, but just yesterday I found Angels in America: Millennium Approaches tucked under some old towels. Honestly, it could be years before I reunite parts one and two of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.”

    Mark Swaider reported feeling a spiritual connection to his cache. “I don’t know if you’ve read The Golden Compass, but I honestly think my shoe box is my dæmon. Manifest my soul and you’ll find a chaotic collage of little glossy mags. If I ever lost them, I’d perish.”

    The report also details several types of shoe box-ers who fall outside the normal conventions of collecting.

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    The Hoarder: Upon leaving the cinema, theatre, opera house, school gymnasium, Disney On Ice arena, this shoe box-er finds themself unable to part with overpriced play paraphernalia. Nothing is safe: drink napkins, souvenir wine sippy-cups, the Broadway Cares show poster signed by the cast are all now essential mementos. Was the Elsa wig really worth it?

    The Minimalist: A no-nonsense kind of queer who cuts right to the chase. Long ago that bulky Dr. Marten’s box was upgraded to a three-ring, leather-bound portfolio that keeps all playbills in mint condition. Wondering whether yesterday’s one-night-stand really was in Oklahoma! like he said he was? This shoe box-er can find the answer in a snap, thanks to their perfectly reasonable chrono-alpha system.

    The Foodie: Any novice can covet a cover, but only the most die-hard can stomach the restaurant recommendations within each playbill’s final pages. If anyone ever needs to know where Laurie Metcalf once had a steak and how she likes it, this foodie is well prepared.

    The Closet Case: The rarest shoe box-er doesn’t need a shoe box at all, but instead organizes a closet brimming with poorly silk-screened 100% cotton tees, commemorating your Broadway favorites. Why stash your playbills when you could wear them? How else can you let the public know you celebrated the 30-year anniversary of Les Miserables

    The Bottom Line: New York City may end up underwater, and our plastic consumption may lead to apocalypse, but we’ll be here, at the end of days, cleaving to our cardboard library, ready to remind the world that we’ve seen Sutton Foster perform not once, but four times. Beat that, God!

    Rating: Katherine McPhee favoriting your Tweet.

  • Pokgaymon Exclusive

    It’s been a tumultuous year for queer Pokémon fans. In May, the LGBTQ RPG community was on the brink of rioting after the release of Detective Pikachu, the producers of which, in a spate of hetero-terrorism, voice-cast Ryan Reynolds as the titular electric mouse. To return to the good graces of gaymers, producers have announced a new crop of queer-appealing monsters for the new games Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield, dropping November 15 for the Nintendo Switch. Different stripes of the rainbow can get down with these beasts: along with candy-colored equine fantasy Galarian Ponyta, there’s Polteageist, a purple ectoplasm literally spilling out of a cracked kettle.

    But to support gay fans who don’t feel seen by these on-the-nose yet not-fully-out characters, The InQueery convinced Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield's developer, Game Freak, to create the universe’s first openly-gay creature, which we are happy to reveal to our readers today.

    We are proud to introduce Giggletwinx, a heart-shaped second cousin to Happiny, with move sets like “Love is Love” and “Yas Attack.” As with Ekans’ “Leer” and Magikarp’s “Splash,” the function and effects of these moves are limited, but they lend the character an indelible panache! Giggletwinx will be released as a fairy-type starter alongside Scorbunny, Sobble and Grookey.

    “This game is culturally and geographically inspired by the UK, home to Elton John and Oscar Wilde—what better backdrop to finally release a queer Pokémon?” said Game Freak’s partnership liaison, Yuna Nakamura.

    Demos have inspired a broad range of reactions from fans. “I’m living for it!” said TJ Klein, a Department of Defense employee, who plays Nintendo Switch with his boyfriend Brian in their DC condo. “We’re living in the age of gay marriage and Pete and Chasten. Why can’t we have a gay Pokémon, too?”

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    “I think it looks like boobs or maybe an ass,” said Beth O’Connell, who runs the Minnesota-based lesbian gaymer meetup, Misty’s Crew. “We grew up with Cloyster, Ninetails and Mewtwo. They were sexy. They were stylish. And now we’re supposed to be grateful when you give us this…anus casing?

    When exposed to the Rainbow Stone, discovered deep in the dark, sparkling forest known as the Slumbering Weald, Giggletwinx evolves into Dompouf, a leather-clad, winged warrior with thick thighs and a dilettante's taste for dungeon fetish culture.

    “Dompouf was finely-tuned,” said Stuart Maxwell, an analytics researcher at The InQueery, who worked closely with Game Freak on the character designs. Maxwell pointed to Timothée Chalamet’s Golden Globe harness and Nick Jonas’s “general vibe” as influences for the monster’s design.

    “It’s uncanny! Dompouf resembles most of the men I’ve dated!” said Lewis Macari, a sales lead at the King of Prussia Armani Exchange store. “I can’t wait to see him in the next movie!”

    The final evolution bears Yumduo, a two-headed, perfectly symmetrical flying/fairy-type Pokémon who radiates rainbows and celebrates the inevitable homogeneity of gay and straight cultures. Their two faces will kiss, but only after a hard-fought battle. Yumduo’s giddy nature suggests the shape of things to come for the queer community: compliance, homogeneity, and lots and lots of PRIDE!

    The Bottom Line: Getting a queer pokémon is like finding out Dumbledore is gay. It doesn’t really do anything, per se, but it’s nice to know.

    Rating: Mila Kunis playing World of Warcraft II

  • Last Minute Costume Lookbook

    Over the last 24 hours, The InQueery has received countless DMs from distraught readers desperately seeking help with costume ideas.

    “I wear a goddamned leotard every day of the summer.” bemoaned David Goldschmitt, a Bushwick hobnobber with a vast collection of seasonal spandex. “Pride, concerts, drag festivals. It’s enough. I don’t see why I have to spend money on another costume just to make straight people feel supported on their one wild night of the year. I’m tired.”

    Our research shows that queers want a costume that exudes cultural commentary, but doesn’t break the bank. After all, there are only so many times you can reuse your “sexy Nancy Pelosi” costume.

    The InQueery presents our Last Minute Lookbook: Suggestions for cheap and easy, totally relevant gay getups. We’ve got you covered, whether you’re flying solo or rolling ten gays deep.

    1. (Single Rider) Post-Emmy Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Requires several novelty trophies, a low-cut number, a martini, and a wheelchair to be carted around in all night. Non-smokers may attempt to " 'ave a fag" to commit to the bit, but we caution that this will likely cause aesphyxiating fits that Waller-Bridge would find deeply uncool.

    2. (Democratic Duo) Pete and Chasten: Prove the stability and “legitimacy” of your relationship by dressing as America's favorite power couple. Sure, Pete and Chasten have no distinguishing characteristics, but that’s good enough for straight people, and should be for you, too. When gay partygoers ask: "Uh…are you from Book of Mormon?," hang strong, and save your screaming matches for the car ride home.

    3. (Triple Threat) Charlie's Gayngels: The gayest franchise this side of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has finally been become full lesbian IP, with none other than patron saint Kristen Stewart in the role of sexpot commando. Local girl gangs are hotly anticipating this narrative shakeup, and trios of the toughest broads you know will be dressing accordingly. All you need is peroxide, a severe high-and-tight haircut and a vaguely equestrian action uniform. *
    4. (Fierce Foursome) The Squad: Got a pant suit and some heavy crimson lipsticks lying around? Looks like you’ve got everything you’ll need to be 2019’s congressional coven. Your primary challenge will be deciding who gets to play AOC.

    5. (Fab Five) The Monterey Five: The Audrey and Elvis gala created a 2017 costume staple, but how will queers manage to create a cohesive group look based on season two? As Amabella’s disco-themed birthday party failed to inspire, hopefully the overarching theme of banged helmut wigs is enough of a concept to tie your group together. This season, the ladies of Monterey had a proclivity for looking cold, so grab a shawl you can clench.

    (Continued below)

    6. (Six Pack) Streep Show: You can easily make your Monterey Five a Big Sur Six with the addition of Meryl’s Mary Louise. A thrift store silk scarf and (yet another) shitty banged wig from Party City should work nicely. Oh! And don’t forget a necklace with a cross you can suck on!

    7. (Sexy Septet) Sun God Realness: Billy Porter’s Camp Met Gala regalia, but make it DIY. Put six of your closest Instagays to work by having them carry you around on a discarded sidewalk mattress. Your jacked Judies may have a Halloworkout on their hands, but a couple of cans of gold spray paint and a black jumpsuit will do most of the heavy lifting.

    8. (The Great Eight): The many wigs of Nicole Kidman: Hollywood’s most consistent queer icon has gone through ups, downs, Scientologists and country singers, but she’s never failed to surprise her fans—and her wigmasters. Celebrate Nicole’s triumphant 2019 with a journey through time and lace fronts, starting with the brutalist bangs of Big Little Lies; back through Aquaman’s waterproof locks; the grizzled rat’s nest of Top of the Lake; Paddington’s severe terror bob; the panicked pixie of Birth; The Hours’ drab Bloomsbury rag; Moulin Rouge’s silky scarlet tresses; and the To Die For flip that started it all. As any student of Drag Race will tell you, don’t remove your wig while performing unless you’re wearing another wig underneath it! And in this case, make sure there are seven!

    9. (Nine Lives) Cats movie trailer: Where were you when it happened? Immortalize one of the year’s most talked about (and queerest) film previews by dressing up as your favorite Cats cat and creating a Jellicle Ball with a clowder of your pals. WE KNOW there are more than nine cats, but just go with it okay? It’s hard to say just how you’ll make a cat costume without access to “digital fur technology,” but good luck and… don’t fuck it up.

    (Continued below)

    10. (Dreadful Denary) The Ending of Midsommar *spoilers ahead*: This concept has been on the queer Halloween shortlist since the trailer dropped. Your gay dream of finding an application for an entire wall of dollar store fake flowers is finally coming true! The person in your friend group who has the most followers gets to be the May Queen. Unfortunately, the rest of your friends will be left playing the 9 human sacrifices.

    The Bottom Line: If nothing else, Halloween is a night of heightened spiritual energy (just ask CoStar), so you might as well look your best for the universe.

    Rating: Martha Stewart deveins a shrimp on Facebook Live.

  • Kindred Spirits

    Recently a reader wrote us with a burning question, “We’ve seen same sex urges writ large with vampires and witches, but where are all the gay ghosts?” The InQueery immediately deployed a team of undercover investigaytors to join a queer ghost hunting club in Lorton, Virginia to get to the bottom of the matter.

    Inside a crumbling Victorian mansion, the ghost revealers (formerly known as ghost hunters) attempted to coax the spirit of Mabel Winthrop — a saucy society woman who was rumored to dip into both boxes at the opera house in her day—out of an 18th-century Georgian Oak grandfather clock. What transpired, ultimately, was not so much a paranormal coming out, but a bout of ghoulish gossip.

    “As long as Ryan Murphy is around, we can count on ghost-on-ghost action in at least one of his Netflix series,” said Teal Clark, a revealer who uses dowsing rods to make contact beyond the veil.

    “I think ghosts are about to get their True Blood moment,” exclaimed Vesper Dempsey, the club president, as she fiddled with various “presence detecting” instruments. “The paranormal pendulum is swinging toward specters, and this time I’m confident they’ll get the queering they deserve.”

    As our investigaytors waited for Mabel to materialize, Alex Barry, the group’s self-proclaimed empath, told us that if there were more queer haunts on the big screen, he wouldn’t have to spend so much time poking around historic hotels and prisons looking for lost LGBTQ souls.

    The only conclusion we found is that like our lesbian phantasm, we may have to wait patiently for gay ghost representation to go mainstream. In the meantime The InQueery has compiled a list of spirits who have inspired the queer community, from time immemorial to time immortal. Some are evil, some benevolent, and some are just horny. But they all know how to make an entrance, and hang on to their looks for dear afterlife.

    (Continued below)

    1. Carrigan, from Casper
    While straight children found solace in the angst of a young Christina Ricci, young gays cleaved to Cathy Moriarty’s unmarried gold digger, engaged in a fabulously abusive, fully platonic relationship to her male lawyer (Eric Idle). Even after her violent death, Carrigan rocks a red lip and bodycon dress. Her first line after dying and becoming a spirit is: “…the bitch is back!” Only the truly great deserve eternal life, indeed!

    2. No-Face, from Spirited Away
    A curious spirit who wanders into a bathhouse and turns into an insatiable monster? Honey, we’ve been there! In a perfectly radical, anti-capitalist parable, this sweet, gender-ambiguous spectre turns beast once introduced to food and gold. Fortunately, the brave Sen teaches No-Face the powers of divestment, leading them to spend the rest of their days with the camp icon Zeniba.

    3. Gozer the Gozerian, from Ghostbusters
    After queering the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and possessing the body of Sigourney Weaver, this ancient malevolence turns up to rule New York in full Grace Jones/David Bowie drag. If you’re planning on an interdimensional conquest, you better lay that eyeshadow on thick, babe!

    4. Moaning Myrtle, from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
    A randy ghoul for the Bridget Jones age, Moaning Myrtle is always down for some magical dick, regardless of age of N.E.W.T. scores. Myrtle may be single-handedly responsible for introducing a new generation of queer youth to the art and pleasures of bathroom cruising.

    5. River Barkley, from The Politician
    The fluid, all-too-cool foil to Ben Platt’s Peyton, River’s curls alone deserve their own spot in a queer hall of fame, along with his white sweater sets and classically outfitted bartender getups.

    (Continued below)

    6. Juno, from Beetlejuice
    Not only does Juno spend an eternity reading Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin to filth, but she does it in pearls and a chic set of Contempo Casuals! No straight man can get the best of Juno, be it a lewd Michael Keaton, a stacked team of dead football players, or Alec Baldwin in too-tight khakis. We hope she’s drinking champagne with Elaine Stritch right now!

    7. Sam Wheat, from Ghost
    Credit goes to any departed soul who will cross over just to meet Whoopi Goldberg. Even as a spook, Patrick Swayze never lets down his thirsty fanbase, delivering an erotic, semi-corporeal wrestling match with a young and strapping Tony Goldwyn. And who doesn’t love a spectre with a penchant for ceramics?

    8. Kyra Collins, from The Sixth Sense
    It’s a widely known that any character played by Misha Barton is inherently queer. But also, when it comes to gay horror, Toni Collette shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting!

    9. Chad and Patrick Warwick, from American Horror Story: Murder House
    When it comes to shadow selves, there’s no beating this couple. While Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells starred as an antiseptic Obama-era gay family on Murphy’s NBC sitcom The New Normal, this hot, bickering couple moved in to FX to stir the drama and sleep around. And yes, they both take turns in the latex murder suit. Thank you for the obsession over Halloween decor, and the fun fetish murders!

    (Continued below)

    10. a) Ghost of Christmas Present, from A Christmas Carol
    The original d(z)addy, this burly ghost’s Scruff profile would read: Come in and know me better man. Bare chested and adorned with a holly wreath headdress, this spirit is ready to heal you on a horny holiday night when you’re stuck with the family. He can change his size on a whim and claims to have about eighteen hundred “brothers.” Please, save it for the OnlyFans account!

    10. b) Ghost of Christmas Present, from Scrooged
    Like any great Carol Kane character, this Ghost of Christmas Present looks like she wandered out of the basement of a Spirit Halloween store…for the first time in decades. A delightful hag with a violent sense of humor, this fairy tells it like it is to Bill Murray’s fussy straight miser. We’d love to see her give it to Kevin Hart in the remake!

    The Bottom Line: Pour a bubble bath, light some candles, set your crystals out to charge, and play Stevie Nicks’ “Seven Wonders.” You’re in this community for life, and afterlife, apparently.

    Rating: Sarah Michelle Gellar’s turtleneck in The Grudge.

    @zoeboats added to the files! Thank you! 🖤

    @zoeboats ❗️All staff please report to the screening room! ❗️

    1. (Single Rider) Post-Emmy Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Requires several novelty trophies, a low-cut number, a martini, and a wheelchair to be carted around in all night. Non-smokers may attempt to " 'ave a fag" to commit to the bit, but we caution that this will likely cause aesphyxiating fits that Waller-Bridge would find deeply uncool.

    2. (Democratic Duo) Pete and Chasten: Prove the stability and “legitimacy” of your relationship by dressing as America's favorite power couple. Sure, Pete and Chasten have no distinguishing characteristics, but that’s good enough for straight people, and should be for you, too. When gay partygoers ask: "Uh…are you from Book of Mormon?," hang strong, and save your screaming matches for the car ride home.

    3. (Triple Threat) Charlie's Gayngels: The gayest franchise this side of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has finally been become full lesbian IP, with none other than patron saint Kristen Stewart in the role of sexpot commando. Local girl gangs are hotly anticipating this narrative shakeup, and trios of the toughest broads you know will be dressing accordingly. All you need is peroxide, a severe high-and-tight haircut and a vaguely equestrian action uniform. *
    4. (Fierce Foursome) The Squad: Got a pant suit and some heavy crimson lipsticks lying around? Looks like you’ve got everything you’ll need to be 2019’s congressional coven. Your primary challenge will be deciding who gets to play AOC.

    5. (Fab Five) The Monterey Five: The Audrey and Elvis gala created a 2017 costume staple, but how will queers manage to create a cohesive group look based on season two? As Amabella’s disco-themed birthday party failed to inspire, hopefully the overarching theme of banged helmut wigs is enough of a concept to tie your group together. This season, the ladies of Monterey had a proclivity for looking cold, so grab a shawl you can clench.

    (Continued below)

    6. (Six Pack) Streep Show: You can easily make your Monterey Five a Big Sur Six with the addition of Meryl’s Mary Louise. A thrift store silk scarf and (yet another) shitty banged wig from Party City should work nicely. Oh! And don’t forget a necklace with a cross you can suck on!

    7. (Sexy Septet) Sun God Realness: Billy Porter’s Camp Met Gala regalia, but make it DIY. Put six of your closest Instagays to work by having them carry you around on a discarded sidewalk mattress. Your jacked Judies may have a Halloworkout on their hands, but a couple of cans of gold spray paint and a black jumpsuit will do most of the heavy lifting.

    8. (The Great Eight): The many wigs of Nicole Kidman: Hollywood’s most consistent queer icon has gone through ups, downs, Scientologists and country singers, but she’s never failed to surprise her fans—and her wigmasters. Celebrate Nicole’s triumphant 2019 with a journey through time and lace fronts, starting with the brutalist bangs of Big Little Lies; back through Aquaman’s waterproof locks; the grizzled rat’s nest of Top of the Lake; Paddington’s severe terror bob; the panicked pixie of Birth; The Hours’ drab Bloomsbury rag; Moulin Rouge’s silky scarlet tresses; and the To Die For flip that started it all. As any student of Drag Race will tell you, don’t remove your wig while performing unless you’re wearing another wig underneath it! And in this case, make sure there are seven!

    9. (Nine Lives) Cats movie trailer: Where were you when it happened? Immortalize one of the year’s most talked about (and queerest) film previews by dressing up as your favorite Cats cat and creating a Jellicle Ball with a clowder of your pals. WE KNOW there are more than nine cats, but just go with it okay? It’s hard to say just how you’ll make a cat costume without access to “digital fur technology,” but good luck and… don’t fuck it up.

    (Continued below)

    10. (Dreadful Denary) The Ending of Midsommar *spoilers ahead*: This concept has been on the queer Halloween shortlist since the trailer dropped. Your gay dream of finding an application for an entire wall of dollar store fake flowers is finally coming true! The person in your friend group who has the most followers gets to be the May Queen. Unfortunately, the rest of your friends will be left playing the 9 human sacrifices.

    The Bottom Line: If nothing else, Halloween is a night of heightened spiritual energy (just ask CoStar), so you might as well look your best for the universe.

    Rating: Martha Stewart deveins a shrimp on Facebook Live.

  • Frenchie Selfies

    While compiling its quarterly report on spending and housing, The InQueery's analytics team came upon a surprising trend among gays of all socioeconomic backgrounds. It seems that in the annals of Instagram, Grindr and Scruff, no gay worth his Crossfit membership can go a day without an easy, breezy, tits-out boudoir shot featuring the hottest breed of the last five years: The French Bulldog. What cultural movements could lead to this convergence of polished, hyper-curated men—and poorly-bred beasts?

    “Isn’t she adorable?” exclaimed Greyson Martinez, a Mid-City Los Angeles Soul Cycle instructor, as he cradled his snorting Bulldog, Quindlance. “We just love taking naps together. I don’t need a boyfriend when I get to snuggle with this cutie every morning!”

    “I think it’s sick and these people should be punished!” cried out a Bushwick-based dogwalker, who asked to remain nameless. “They’re perpetuating not only a corrupt, abusive industry, but enforcing inbreeding to unprecedented extremes. These dogs can’t even walk properly!”

    Others we spoke to agree that they are likely to swipe or double tap a canine cuddle puddle. “Finally,” one parched Provincetown tourist said to us, “I was a big fan of Modern Family, so I love to scroll past them on my Facebook feed. It’s all about the dogs!”

    While The InQueery's standards forbid us from commenting on the morality of the breeding industry, we can provide you with every hack you need for your perfect pig-dog portrait. Here’s three tips to keep you and your pooch together—yet possibly alone—forever!

    Keep it in the bedroom! Our metrics show that for French Bulldog photography to soar, it must involve a shirtless owner, loose bedding and a hazy morning light. Have your tripod ready to fire at about 7:30am, lay on your side, and position your pet just in the nook of your underarm. It’s like you and your dog have just woken up after a long night of sex! Who doesn’t want to see that?

    (Continued below)

    Keep that hair consistent! The reason for the French Bulldog’s surge in popularity? According to owners surveyed, their dogs’ near-alien looks make the owners look even hotter in contrast! And though there’s been some debate about whether having a hideous animal on your person only makes you look like its relative, it doesn’t seem to matter to the Bulldog community. To best resemble your dog, we recommend a close buzz, which make your eyes and ears pop. You’ll look like twins!

    Keep them coming! Research indicates that the more photos an owner posts, the likelier their follower count is to thrive. Conversely, the higher the follower count for Frenchie & Me selfies, the less the likelihood for the owner to ever mate with a human again. So if you’re going to commit to man’s best friend as man’s lover and sole companion, be sure to post 5–9 times a week, at least.

    The Bottom Line: In the frail, panicked Chihuahua breed, white women found avatars for their repressed terror. In the French Bulldog, gay men have made effigies for their stubby, stunted, dying masculinity.

    Rating: My Dog Skipped a Few Essential Chromosomes, Due to Systematic Inbreeding

  • The Canvas Code

    When it comes to same-sex baggage, the canvas tote is the G.O.A.T. (Gayest of All Time). Its sheer ubiquity renders it invisible to the average people-watcher, but the trained eye suspects there is more to this cloth accessory than its contents. The queer subtext conveyed by the simple tote and how it's carried has long eluded researchers, but here at The InQueery, we’ve mastered the art of reading too deeply into the purely practical. To that end, senior field investigaytor, Peter McGarry, embedded himself among the toters of our nation’s major metropolitan gayreas, tracking them from the bookstore to the brunch line, until at last the patterns began to emerge.

    “It’s like the hanky code grew up and subscribed to too many magazines,” says McGarry. “These bags don’t just hold an unread copy of The Song of Achilles and half-eaten Rx bars. They carry layers of meaning that anyone can learn to see.” This strapping staple need not be white noise on your gaydar.

    With our cutting-edge guide, you’ll know when their bagger swagger is saying “I’m a tee-totealer” or “Yes we canvas.”

    The Carry Bradshaw – At once inviting and distancing, this hold is perfect for the toter starring in their own narrative. Generally characterized by a bend in the elbow where the bag dangles freely, this position acts as a counterweight to various props held in the slightly outstretched hand. A phone may indicate a life-altering FaceTime conversation or a breaking Insta story update on the new @kimpetras Halloween album. You may spot a paper-wrapped farmers market bouquet (ingenue), a walkman (dreamer), or an iced coffee* (warrior). Consider yourself welcome to initiate contact, but don’t expect to be anything more than a cameo in this carrier’s story.

    *For an in-depth breakdown of Iced-Coffee holds please refer to The InQueery’s Sept 2nd dispatch.

    (Continued below)

    The Sleight of Hand – Variation in hand placement can signify critical differences in the carrier’s culture, attitude and ambulatory intentions. If the carry arm is gently dropped in front, it is safe to approach. If you see one hand raised to clutch the straps, this toter is poised to initiate warp speed—walking on a mission, with little regard for nearby lolligaggers. Do not disturb.

    The Fairytale Fling – This carry’s distinct single-finger over-the-back hold can be traced back to the come-hither gesture made famous by witches & wood nymphs of yore, luring unsuspecting travelers from their paths. When paired with a casual glance over the shoulder, this carry is irresistible. By the time you’ve sniffed the poppers within the tote, the spell will be cast.

    The Downward Drape – A rare, relaxed hold. Notable for the clean line of the bag, hanging from a loose arm and suspended just barely off of the ground. This carrier has found momentary inner peace, and is ready for a gentle encounter with you or another enlightened toter leaving their Kundalini class. Not to be confused with The Savasana Slump, an emergency hold in which the bag fully drags on the ground. This tote life can be hard, and baby, they just need a minute.

    Addendum – The Branded Bag – Should you experience body language blindness, our quick-reference logo guide can help you cut to the chase.

    The New Yorker – Fuck me; I read.
    The Strand – Fuck me; I read *books*. Bon Appetit – Wake up to breakfast.
    NPR – Wake up to a clock radio.
    Brooklinen – Easily influenced by advertising, but still worth the sleepover. *
    The Bottom Line: Why pay for a pro account when you can bag someone with a 99 cent @Muji tote.

    Rating: Twisting your ankle on cobblestone

    @mystery_blonde we’re waiting on several angel investments before we can launch the tote line.

    @wendyowood A true Canvas Queen 💼👑

    @devilishly_yours when employing the Bradshaw one simply doesn’t try to look confident, one *is* confident.

    “It always felt like it was calling to me, like a bug-zapper to a mosquito” says a trans-femme North Carolinian visiting their childhood gazebo, which sits next to their small town’s claim to fame: Rose Hill’s World’s Largest Frying Pan. “The whole town would be frying truckloads of chicken legs and I’d just lay on the creaky floor looking up at the bony rafters. There were carpenter ants, but it was worth it to be alone.”

    “I love building ‘em,” says an otter and full-time gazebo builder in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin. “My favorite part is when I get to string lights all over them during the holidays. I might have even fucked for the first time under one*…”

    “The ‘lion and lamb’ bit was the only way we could really put our relationship into words,” says an engaged, full-time Twilight cosplaying lesbian couple from Vancouver, who constructed a backyard replica of the fairy-lit gazebo from Bella and Edward’s prom. “We’re pushing up our wedding date,” the cast-laden half of the couple says, “because I broke my ankle last week running through the woods. It’d be too authentic of a scene for our friends and family to miss.”

    The Bottom Line: Any structure, permanent or temporary, which appears, without fail, in every episode of The Great British Baking Show, and has hosted multiple uses of the term “soggy bottom,” is, empirically, gay.

    Rating: Queer Regency anti-wedding wedding at Mar-a-Lago on the eve of the 2020 Presidential Election.

    *The InQueery's Wisconsin satellite bureau conducted extensive grass-roots research regarding the previous claim, but was unable to corroborate its legitimacy.