Category: Case Files

Our new serum for the community. Read in bio 🧴🧪

Reporting and illusgaytion by Dustin Sohn @dsiutnshon

As this year comes to a close, we’re once again taking a moment to reflect on how our little research corporation has grown. We’ve been hard at work to not only uncover upcoming queer trends, but to preserve our hard-hitting research for posterity in uncertain times. In the past year, we formed a committee to nominate up-and-coming gay sounds, developed a guide to joining queer sports leagues, redesigned our company uniforms to include iconic leather jackets, and crafted a diplomatic treaty with a group of merpeople. We also strengthened our brand partnerships this year, including collaborating on a series of salad recipes with Sweetgreen, creating a queer-focused workout app for Nike, and embarking on a business plan that would upgrade Zenni Optical to more than just a Warby Parker wannabe. Research into the “emotional support gay” archetype revealed a whole subculture of such helpers, and initial studies of the digital Cloud suggest that it may be a homophobic assault on queer analog devices. We touched on decorating trends, designer dogs, and queer modes of vacationing. Most crucially, we returned to our pioneering research on queer caffeination and were the first to report on the “flaming” nature of drinking hot coffee in the summer months.

With these kinds of breakthroughs in the field of queer trend forecasting and analysis, it’s apparent that our investigaytors are well credentialed with deep reserves of knowledge. This comes as no surprise, as our team has devoted their lives to this study, going all the way back to their childhoods. In this season of reflection, our writers and illusgaytors are sharing their “queer roots,” their earliest queer fixations and identity shapers.

Part 1 of 5. Story continues in the comments.

@brianbritigan – Disney’s Hercules. When I was in elementary school I stayed home sick and watched the VHS on repeat for 48 hours straight, and I’m still sometimes surprised that this movie actually exists and is not just an elaborate fever dream concocted by my little gay eight-year-old brain.

@annelisecapossela – Barbies. Woefully outdated hand-me-downs from my cousins which I lovingly “fixed” with buzzcuts, heavy eyeshadow, and hand-sewn tube tops and camo pants (yes, they were cargo).

@westonweiart – Card Captor Sakura. When I was in primary school, every night after dinner I sat in front of the TV waiting to see the newest episodes of the Japanese animated show. It inspired me to create my own magical comics. I was chasing the love.

@jackx.zhou – Sakura’s Clow Card. As a boy who was fond of sorcery, the cards from Cardcaptor Sakura were the most prized items among my collection. A deep bond was formed between myself and a girl who had the Clow Wand. We came together to practice magic, followed by a Daidouji-styled tea party.

@stephanierudedoggie – Fried Green Tomatoes. This 90s classic was on heavy rotation in my family’s VHS player, but I’m pretty sure the thinly veiled queer subtext went right over my Midwestern parents’ heads. Mary Stuart Masterson plays an iconic badass “tomboy” who is clearly meant to be with Mary-Louise Parker. I was also fascinated by a scene in which Kathy Bates goes to a women’s sexuality workshop where the participants are meant to lie back in BarcaLoungers and examine their pussies with hand mirrors—who hasn’t been there?

@kozatek – Holographic Pokemon Cards. These pieces of ‘queer currency’ gave me the playground prowess to dominate the str8 kids into showing some goddamn respect. “You want to gaze upon my first edition Charizard? First, bow down, bitch.”

@aarontheillustrator – ‘Charles,’ the little blue Mini Cooper. My queer life started with that vehicle. I always had to pray he would start. Even when he got vandalized with slurs, I never felt more proud than when I had everyone I loved crammed into the back of that tiny, gay car.

@robwilsonwork – Hugo puppet. This doll, known as a Man of a Thousand Faces, came with all kinds of accessories—plastic noses, chins, beards and glasses. But he became a magic dancer once I put a wig on him and wrapped him in a makeshift dress.

@david_odyssey – Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD box sets. Prized above all else in my childhood bedroom, each season was beautifully encased and designed, surely by some homosexual at 20th Century Fox: season two in a smoky scarlet; season three in gold and green; the actors posing for photoshoots to adorn the discs and covers. I could sit in my bed and stare at the sets, the denizens of my first mantlepiece, and feel harmony in my private world.

@jose_illustration – Campy dark villains and queer and female outcasts from 90s movies. Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman? Raw sensuality with a dash of brokenness. Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her? Hilariously delicious and daringly grotesque. Anjelica Huston embodies eerie sophistication in The Addams Family and The Witches. And Pedro Almodóvar’s absurd characters were a perfect blend of suffering, sassiness, and magical realism.

@colinverdi – Dollar-store mermaid doll. I was obsessed and refused to do bathtime without it. I lost her in the ocean, which was devastating, but at least she is back with her friends.

@rictorscale – Designing Women. As a young gay North Carolinian, they were the blueprint for my gay Southern aesthetic. No, the women of Sugarbaker’s design firm aren’t gay per se, but their dedication to wearing distinctly separate primary-colored outfits every episode, the show’s creator writing one of TV’s first very special AIDS episodes (circa 1986), and, of course, Julia’s drag-queen-inspiring monologue, “The Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia,” place them in the Homosexual Hall of Fame.

@_aliromig – Ms. Sara Bellum. This cartoon bombshell may have spent the majority of The Powerpuff Girls‘ run in the background, but whenever she was onscreen, I couldn’t look away. Too tall for her face to be seen, all we were treated to was her mass of red hair. While she likely gave other little girls complexes about what women were supposed to look like, I was more drawn to her mystery than her figure…and that is gay.

@tomgvellner – My Little Pony. There’s a home video my mom recorded during a family visit; as she pans around the room, the kids are all playing, and then there’s me: a lil’ gay boy, blissed out in the corner, Rubbermaid tub open, my older sister’s My Little Pony collection overflowing, carefully brushing all their colorful, sparkly manes, harnessing their rainbow power.

@felicianicole86 – Rent. This musical introduced me to the concept of chosen family, which is a pillar of my queer experience. Plus, it was the soundtrack to the summer starring my first queer crush. We bonded over our love of it, singing “Take Me or Leave Me” at karaoke quickly became *our thing.* Kiss, pookie!

@bicedotcom – Howl Pendragon from Howl’s Moving Castle. My transgender icon as a young, closeted trans man, his hypnotic combination of utter fruitiness and fragile masculinity spoke to my experience of manhood: magical, aspirational, yet slimy and monstrous. In Howl’s words: “I give up! I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful!”

@dylanmarron – Britney Spears’ wardrobe change at the 2000 VMAs. A rip-away suit that revealed a bejeweled skin-toned bodysuit beneath left me breathless every time I rewatched it. RIP to the innocent VHS tape I recorded that moment onto. I hope it survived the rewinding, but I know it didn’t.

@heimaintenance_ – Yoshi. That joyful, genderless dinosaur was multitalented and chaotically neutral. When Yoshi wasn’t gobbling up enemies with his long tongue, they were laying eggs that doubled as projectiles. Mother ate!

@wafflehouses – Playing “House.” I was not just a daycare kid, I was king of daycare. As such, no one flinched when I called dibs on the role of “Mom” every time we played “House.” You don’t just wake up one day with a “Soccer Mom in the Hamptons” aesthetic. It takes practice, kiddo.

@jaredfresch – Lisa Frank stickers. From decorating my binders in Jewish Day School to vandalizing my friends’ faces at college parties, these have always been a staple of my queerness. To this day, the psychedelic, high-chroma work of Lisa Frank has influenced the jewel-toned color palette within my art practice.

As this year comes to a close, we’re taking a moment to reflect on how our little research corporation has grown. This year we’ve padded our real estate portfolio, having acquired several acres of property on the adjacent lot when the neighboring axe throwing range/CrossFit gym filed for bankruptcy. On this land, we’ve erected the only known corporate lighthouse as well as our first theme park ride. This also freed up room for a new parking garage to house our fleet of corporate Jeeps. Our in-house branding studio took on their biggest challenge yet, creating a new visual identity for a prominent queer orchestra. Our events team had their hands full successfully launching a fruity film festival and a prestigious new award series not to mention hosting our annual gay sounds summit. We even tried our hand at employee poaching, gathering queer virtual assistants from several top companies for a calamitous group interview.

While we continue to evolve as a conglomerate, we have stayed true to our roots of trend forecasting and pop culture criticism. Our intrepid investigaytions have covered queer plant adoption, gazebos and the inclusion of hot coffee into the study of gay brandishing styles. As top thought leaders in queer pop cultural studies, we published our findings on femme dream sequences from fiction, as well as wigs that stole the show.

As much as we have achieved, corporate growth and accomplishment know no bounds. With Q1 just around the corner, our C-suite decided to poke around the research department asking our experts what queer artifacts and specimens might offer breakthroughs (and federal funding opportunities) in the coming year. Below is a report of what’s on the slab.

Part 1 of 4 – story continues in the comments

Purple sparkle Hot Wheels. Like any typical 4-year-old boy, you too may have collected toy cars…But did your favorite one have a purple paint job and shocking pink interior? Was it covered from head lights to tail lights in glitter? Who at Hot Wheels designed this genderfucked Ferrari—and can we ask them to make a real one? – @ryanraphael_art

Mountain Dew Code Red. The Christian elementary schoolyard Myth of the Dew was that it was sinfully caffeinated. Doing the Dew was a vending machine ritual only for the danger seekers, the rebels, the queer. When Code Red came out, bearing red lips after indulging was like wearing a smirking scarlet letter. – @gayhorsederek

Library borrowing cards. Little signed and stamped tables of gossip neatly slipped into a cute paper pocket. There’s nothing juicier than knowing who read what when. These cards offer near irrefutable evidence that the very book you held in your hands was in your crush’s bedroom just 3 weeks ago. – @lrnwrd_

Childhood Christmas ornaments. Nobody knows whose beheaded Pierrot clown ornament it was or how it came into your parents’ possession; it doesn't seem like something they would ever buy, it just always…existed. And it felt like it existed just for you because everyone else thought it was creepy! – @colinverdi

Kitchen sinks. An English idiom has been othering this domestic stalwart for over a century. In a just world, the graceful neck of the tap and the deep belly of the basin would demand adoration for its contributions to kitchen culture, yet they endure a constant piling on of society's dirty dishes without so much as a thank you. Queers may empathize because they know there is only so much emotional labor one can take on for straight roommates before needing to open the drain and letting it all go. – @wafflehouses

A secondhand 1984 copy of ‘The Letters of Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf’. Purchased to impress a literary girlfriend, you used to read each other excerpts by candlelight (so dramatic), and when she dumped you, you would read with your best friend on her windowsill instead (possibly even more gay?). A single pressed violet had fallen out of the dust jacket, so you know it wasn’t the book's first lesbian-love rodeo. – @sofiebirkinillustraion

Lava lamps. The training wheels of bisexual mood lighting, if you ask any queer person who grew up around Y2K whether they had a childhood or teenage lava lamp, chances are they’ll ask, which color? – @emmasheinbaum

Gardening overalls. They're highly versatile and practical, especially when they come with multiple pockets (perfect for miscellaneous items). Anything with that many pockets/places to hang things has to be queer. – @ashzleigh

The Max Steel action figure.. That buff body and beautifully styled glossy plastic hair made teenage imaginations go wild. Thanks Mattel, once again, for inspiring queers to question and reaffirm their sexuality. – @klozmiranda

Chia Pets. This artifact inhabits the very center of the queerest venn diagram: plant parenting, pet grooming, and kitschy home decor. And that jingle is gay as hell — "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!" – @brianbritigan

Zine stand. It's technically a mini easel, but why not use it to display some zines, like Volume 1 of The InQueery? Don’t forget to rotate them seasonally (queer). – @stephanierudedoggie

Lanyards. Before we had keys on carabiners, we had lanyards. There's something so infinitely butch about the way a lanyard hangs out of a pocket or around a neck. “Mommy's here, she has the keys.” It's traditional caregiving, queerly subverted by all the straight, sporty girls we had crushes on in high school. – @heimaintenance_

Grandfather clocks. These glamorous old queens took something as practical as telling time and told a story instead. Elaborate woodwork? Gilded moon dials? Crystal cut glass? Yes, Ma’am. Not to mention the unyielding need to announce itself every hour. Dzing dzong grandzaddy! – @_aliromig

Mechanical keyboards. Made solely to heighten the sensory experience of typing towards that of tapping your stilleto acrylics on a tabletop. Customize your Keychron with LGBT-RGB LEDs and a set of crystal press ons and you'll be typing at the speed of gay sound. – @jaen.simone

The Legally Blonde VHS tape. The tape itself was bright pink. We will never again reach such heights of queer marketing as colored VHS tapes. – @diapyo

Nautical figureheads. She's got perfect posture, magnificent hair, and requires polishing every day. On a barge full of seamen, it takes an inanimate, high-femme sculpture to really claim the spotlight. – @david_odyssey

Sailor Moon dress-up stickers. Sailor Moon can be considered an initiation of gay identity, and some of us were really, really into this anime as kids. Each package of dress-up stickers contained 2 or 3 different clothing sets, each with a different theme, kind of like Barbie, if Barbie were more in touch with her fan base. – @langshiart

Weathervanes. Any instrument measuring an invisible force that’s adorned with a hammered metal flying pig or crowing cock should be examined under the gay microscope. – @kozatek

The 6 pound bowling ball. How is the lightest ball always the most flamboyant color? Appreciated for its ubiquitousness, and that it caters to non-athletes and those with small hands, alike. – @theoquest.jpg

As the hottest year on record rages on, researchers at The InQueery have made a startling discovery: Hot is thot and “just black” is back. The great pendulum of queer culture has reversed course and hot coffee has knocked iced coffee clear off the counter. Queer coffee quaffers are halting their barista as he reaches for a plastic cup, demanding a scalding cup of jitter juice, “Hold the nut milk!" What was once unthinkable is now just subversive enough to make gay folx feel incendiary again.

Origins of the shift remain unclear, although some researchers think iced coffee, like Ru Paul’s Drag Race, has reached a critical saturation point. Gays have tired of their cold brews and have been struck by nostalgia. Others suspect the trend toward Hot may be the result of a recent uptick in queers summering in Italy and the evergreen urge to appear “more Euro.” The head of The InQueery’s Codes and Communications Division posits the appeal of Hot coffee may be that consuming it brings us closer to feeling “one” with climate change. Though we may not have identified the root of this trend, we quickly deployed field researchers to analyze this new behavior in the wild and study how the “iced coffee claw” has mutated to accommodate java the temperature of molten lava.

The following poses were recorded by our team: (swipe for corresponding illusgaytions)

Story continues in the comments (part 1 of 4)

Coffee mug users (aka mugger clutchers) also have their own complex body language dialect. Those with a penchant for potted vessels have exhibited the following poses:

The Robin Hood – The mug is ever-present in hand, making you look a little like the gif of Robin Hood shaking a tin cup for coin. Some people walk into the room purse first, but you lead with caffeine, showcasing your knack for selecting the most interesting mug from the office kitchen. Assuming this pose channels your inner butch boss energy by imitating Gary Cole in Office Space at all times.

The Mug Shot – This pose is a simple one-and-done that doesn’t shirk on the drama. Tilt your oversized mug skyward and throw every ounce of 104 degree coffee down your pie hole in one fell swig. You're a sword swallower! A gas guzzler! You're unable to taste anything for at least the next few hours!

Peekaboo Pride – Too embarrassed to be seen in public using that shitty travel mug you caught from the Bank of America float at last year’s Pride? Clasp your hand into a Barbie-chic C-shape covering most of the mug’s prime real estate and make the BoA logo go bye-bye! If any onlookers get a peak, they’ll have to guess whether you fuck with rainbow capitalism or just fucked a day trader.

The Glasshole – To let people know you’re a pretentious bitch, pour espresso into a glass mug, then place a hand at the bottom for support while the other hand gently raps against the side. Stand in a doorway, or even better–over someone while they’re working–and generally preside.

Our Conclusion: Like absolute icons Joan of Arc and the Witches of Salem, we’ll take it hot.

Queer Rating: Lana Del Ray’s shift at Waffle House.

The Big Dipper – This pose is all about playing with your food to flirt. Select your favorite baked good and repeatedly dunk it into a delicious acid bath while locking eyes with any cafe cuties. The dexterous coordination of croissant and coffee all without looking away from your crush cranks up the coquette. Go full magic show with finger fans and/or wrist writhes. Delicate pastry pinches will dazzle your potential date and distract them from the cascade of crumbs all over your knit linen crop top.

The Little Sipper – For the kween who knows their coffee is too Hot but needs it too badly. This pose is a pyramidal balance between your hands and mouth firmly attached to the cup, ensuring minimal LLD (lip-to-lid distance). Continue by kitten-licking tiny slurps of mud at a constant rate until you feel the tell-tale tummy rumble. This signals the transition from the Little Sipper to Little Shitter pipeline. Literally.

The Intern – This pose is for the cunning queer on-the-go who’s got something to prove. To demonstrate just how “busy” and “invaluable” you are, balance two full cardboard beverage holders laden with your office’s morning joe orders. It may be a handful, but you get to add 8 punches to your coffee card and make it rain on a cute barista, stuffing their tip jar with petty cash. Carry this pose to the finish line by speed walking down crowded city streets, head down and elbows up. Make it back without spilling a drop and someone might just remember your name.

The Clawnoisseur – A power move that will quickly establish dominance in any social space. When your coffee is third-degree-burn-Hot, use your prowess as a seasoned claw queen to hold the coffee by the lid alone without it detaching from the cup. Be warned that The Clawnoisseur is an expert level dance with death and is not advised for baby coffee queers.

The Steam Queen – This pose allows you to create community as you and your dark roast transform the boardroom, subway car or co-op into a sauna! Plug your lid’s hole with a stopper, and when you arrive at your desired location, slowly lift the lid allowing your brew to release vapor
– your iced coffee could never! The pose requires restraint as you won’t be able to delight in a single slurp before taking off your coffee’s Hot hat.

The Sans Sleeve – Gays love any opportunity to go sleeveless and coffee is no exception. Being able to clutch your Hot coffee without a cardboard koozie is the equivalent of walking fearlessly across a bed of coals. A true flex, this pose signals the masochism inherent in queer society.

@wet_shrimb hard numbers forthcoming in the next semi-annual

This month we interviewed veteran InQueery illustrator @colinverdi about his journey as an artist and what’s in store for the future. Link in bio.

Images:

– Self portrait, 2023
– The Chain Gayng InQueery illustration, 2020
– May Day, Gay Day InQueery illustration, 2020
– Pearls Gone Wild InQueery illustration, 2022
– The InQueery Semi-Annual Report Vol. II cover illustration, 2023
– Sketches for The Chain Gayng , May Day, Gay Day, and Pearls Gone Wild
– Sketches for The InQueery Semi-Annual Report Vol. II

See more of Colin’s work at colinverdi.com

What came first: the folds of a tulip’s flower, or the yonic symbolism we’ve bestowed upon it? These are the questions consuming the minds of The InQueery's research teams. Our facilities are known for addressing pressing cultural questions with the rigor of scientific research, making us particularly suited to participate in brand partnerships.

The InQueery was recently tasked with its most challenging collaboration since we tossed Sweetgreen's salad… America’s Spectrum Symphony, the country’s preeminent LGBTQ+ symphonic orchestra, asked our corporation to design an identity overhaul in preparation for their first national tour. Opening with a performance of Copeland’s “Hoe-Down from Rodeo” in Palm Springs, the tour will conclude with a live orchestral accompaniment to Todd Field’s TÁR at Provincetown’s Town Hall.

The organization’s logo—generously donated by one of the orchestra’s flutists who is also passionate about “messing around in Photoshop” clearly signals an association with their acronym, but distinctly reminds us of sheet music for a middle school production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. (see slide 2 for the original logo).

America’s Spectrum Symphony (ASS) leadership explained that keeping a musical note or symbol in their logo was a priority. But how to choose? We conducted a thorough investigaytion to determine which musical symbol is the queerest. We pushed our musicologists to the limits, asking them to repeatedly strike our company collection of tuning forks until the answers rang true. After much deliberation, we landed on finalists in four unique categories. Our findings are as follows:

Part 1 of 4, story continues in the comments

In our experience, the first clef is the deepest. Our team thought it offered the most elegant solution for a less cluttered, less distracting logo. The InQueery felt the G clef embodies a queer sensibility by dictating its own musical spectrum. It bravely soars across the staff, touching and encompassing each line and space, while also reaching past them. This is a mark that says: you can and will stand under my umbrella. All are welcome here, as long as you remembered your music stand today. The G clef was our winner, baby.

As our brand strategy team popped champagne and began toasting themselves on another job well done, a niggling feeling started to creep in that maybe they could have gone, well, further. ASS didn’t quite seem to have the pop we were looking for…

ASS deserved a name that was equal parts resplendent and sublime. A name with mainstage appeal; one that would look great emblazoned on marquees, merch, and the sides of tour buses. A name that could hold a candle to their brand-new Comme des Garçons tour uniforms. After many hours of furiously contriving word scrambles on the company whiteboard, we stepped aside to reveal a whole new identity. Now introducing: The Iconic Technicolor Symphony (see slide 4 for our final deliverable).

Queer Rating: Cherry Jones bidding for a 17th-century fagotto on eBay.

Our conclusion: Come in for a new outfit, leave with a new personality.

Logos by @cdort99

(see slide 3 for our top 4 music notes and symbols)

Time Signature Selection: ⅜

Do you remember that girl in high school choir who wouldn’t shut up about her AP Music Theory homework? Yeah. She’s gay now, and this time signature is her thing. (And yes, it is statistically likely that she did have a crush on you.) ⅜ is a dancey, triple meter time signature, used for waltzes, minuets, country ballads, and even pop (she’s got range). ⅜ is a girl on the go. She is no sleep, bus, club, another club, another club, plane… Need we say more?

Musical Dynamic Selection: Fermata

Despite her name evoking the Eurotrash plotline in your favorite early-aughts teen drama, fermata has class. A fermata is a pause; meant to indicate that a note or chord or even a rest is sustained longer than its written value. She is more than meets the eye. But above all else, fermata is tension; she is eyes meeting across a crowded room, breathless and questioning. The fermata is held for as long as the conductor desires. (Kinky.) She is a sapphic period piece, she is Cate Blanchett, she is queer yearning in a bottle.

Final Deliberations:

As we all know, sitting on a judges’ panel does not an easy decision make. It can be incredibly hard to choose just one winner. But even if you’re an All-Star, Twinners are rarely satisfied. Sometimes, you just have to go with the curl you know will always turn it out. At The InQueery, we’re committed to sniffing out that special something via a peer-reviewed, double-blind study. With this in mind, we provided our brand analysis and our first official recommendation for the orchestra’s logo’ rebrand: (see slide 4 for our proposed logo).

(see slide 3 for our top 4 music notes and symbols)

Clef Selection: The G (Treble) Clef

What’s in a clef? That which we call a curlicue; by any other name would not indicate the musical key of a piece of music. The G clef is, for lack of a more analytical term, flamboyant; there’s no way around it. She is the musical equivalent of practicing a “When I’m Famous” signature on the very last page of a classic black-and-white composition notebook; the consummate doodles of a gay daydreamer.

Note Selection: The Sixteenth (Semiquaver) Note

The sixteenth note knows they’re hot. They’re that friend at Pride: shirtless, jumping up and down, double fisting TD Bank rainbow flags in each hand, somehow embodying pure unadulterated joy and no cringe. They also go both ways—our diligent researchers uncovered that, when placed below the middle line of the musical staff, sixteenth notes are drawn with their stems on the right, facing up. But when they are on or above the middle line, their stems are depicted facing down and on the left side of the notehead. These freak flags fly in either direction, babe!

This past year we’ve sifted through a barrage of reader questions regarding what The InQueery is, precisely. In response, we hired an industry-leading team of PR consultants to help us figure out why the public has had such trouble grasping the notion of a homosexual research corporation. Their recommendation to the board: to fundamentally rethink our decades-long tradition of operational secrecy.

And so, for the very first time, The InQueery is pulling back the veil. Starting today, we are opening our doors to the public.

Welcome to InQueery HQ!

As you explore our sprawling campus, centered around a converted Snapple™ factory at a still-undisclosed location, you’ll find that we’re much more than the “rainbow-capitalist corporate shill” and “Big Brother of corporate faggotry” the pundits have claimed. In our state-of-the art laboratories, corporate suites, and media zones, you’ll witness firsthand our tireless commitment to furthering the gay agenda. It is the cutting-edge research happening within these walls that lets us fulfill our mission: to educate the public on the most critical and up-to-date cultural phenomena in gay America.

Before entering, please sign the NDA at the door

Entrance
Today you’ll find InQueery founder @kozatek ushering a field trip of schoolchildren into our beloved gaytrium, one of many hallowed art spaces here on campus. The gaytrium is used primarily for see-and-be-seen gallery openings. (As a rule, all guests must wait a minimum of 20 minutes before seeing their scheduled appointments.) On your left, feel free to admire our salon-style wall of corporate collaborations, celebrating the contributions by Nintendo, Sweetgreen, and NASA to the fight for queer rights. And yes, just ahead is our custom aqueerium, abounding with day-glo rocks, designer treasure chests, and not a single living fish! Say hello to InQueery deputy editor @goldberhawn—and no, that’s not an FBI house-arrest anklet! Be sure to take a selfie with our one-of-a-kind siren sculpture, donated in 2010 by noted ally Julianne Moore.

Sector I – Open labs
This is where some of our most critical work is underway. Environmental scientists and gay ergonomic experts hash out the future of the “gay grip” at the ongoing Iced Coffee Symposium (ICS); former window designers from Manhattan’s finest department stores experiment with large-scale snow globes; and the UN Commission on Tote Bags (UNOTB) led by @wafflehouses, measures for an optimal sack-to-shoulder ratio. Don’t miss our stunning portraits of gay icons Bert and Ernie—their same-sex-compatible muppet genitalia were developed in this very room!

Sector II – Fabrication facility
Welcome to Sector II, the fabrication facility, where queer art thrives! Grab a BPA-free dildo as you pass through our bondage studio, and be sure to tag our friend/sponsor Williams Sonoma on your OnlyFans! Get blasted with a spritz of our fall fragrance crafted for Le Labo, then saunter over to the screening room, where you can join Disney execs for screenings of the new, gay-friendly Disney+ series Love, Portia and Star Wars:The Bisexual.

You won’t want to miss a single inch of the grounds of Sector II! There’s Marvin, our head of photography, mastering the art of the French Bulldog Selfie—a time-honored gay male tradition! Our in-house Lululemon rep Sebastian leads a Warrior Three Body Sculpt workshop, testing new smart fabrics before the government can get their hands on them. Plop down next to staff writer @stephanierudig and ask for her hot takes on Netflix’s trashiest new docuseries. Be sure to spend some meditative time by our Frank Ocean Channel Orange fountain. Then, ponder the meaning of $erpent$hrine, a sculpture conceived by LadyGaga during her residency at the Marina Abramovic Institute.

Sector III – Corporate suites
Welcome to Sector III of InQueery HQ: our corporate suites. Take a load off in the rec room, where you can observe gaymer specialists reporting on queer cat villagers in Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
Among stacks of memoranda on our deputy editor’s desk is an original snowglobe from the set of Unfaithful. (Don’t you just love Diane Lane?) And don’t tell Space Force if you spot a gaylien or two lurking around this floor!

Put your gloves on and get to work on the second floor, where you can help sort through troves of vintage Playbills, pick herbs from our copy editor’s @nora_macleod desk, and categorize all manner of queer objects—from Pokéballs to Renée Zellweger’s Oscar trophy! Stop by our arts and crafts station, where the remnants of a “painting and pinot” bachelorette party are currently under investigaytion. If you fancy yourself an ice princess, try on a chain or quearring and review it for our jewelry analytics team.

Here on the roof, you can bum a cig off staff illustrator @mousemouse, and visit one of two signature iced coffee bars. Give the interns your input as they dream up new app collaborations with Nike and the NSA.

Outside Sector III, take a whirl through our retail marketplace, which includes Magic Doggie Day Spa, Toss'd (our take on a trendy fast-casual salad restaurant, now in beta testing) and The Gaily Bread, a bakery serving only queer confections. (All shops on campus accept major credit cards and Queercoin, our proprietary cryptocurrency.) Then hit up our obsergaytion tower, where you can study everything queer in the cosmos, from shooting stars and black holes to the beefy bears of Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.

Sector IV – Performance & Media Center
Here in Sector IV, we let the artists take the reins of their corporate identities! Take a seat in the performance center for local drag homages to Jojo, and marvel at blown-up images of Dianne Wiest and Audra McDonald at the Playbill waterfall display wall. And find out just how gay Dumbledore actually was with a visit to the restricted books section in the library!

Sector V – The Tank
Here’s Sector V, which we lovingly refer to as the tank. On the first and second floor, take a winding walk through queer history up our Guggenheim inspired staircase, from the Compton Cafeteria Riots to Nick Jonas confirming that he’s not in fact gay. Gag in awe as you enter The Scott E. Stevenson Institute for Queer Costume and Apparel. The countless gay garments on display include the May Queen dress from Midsommar, Claire Dane's angel wings from Romeo + Juliet, Meryl Steep’s dishwashing gloves from The Hours, and Ursula’s lipstick from The Little Mermaid.

Take a seat on a queer chair prototype in our observation pavillion, and don’t forget to give our resident Afghan Hound, Theresa, a nose boop on your way up the great glass elevator. From the roof, you can help our researchers tend to a garden of carnivorous plants crossbred from Little Shop of Horrors, Super Mario World and Batman and Robin. And look below! An associate entomologist transports termites to Sector V in one of our trademarked hot-pink golf carts.

The Perimeter
What lies beyond The InQueery, you may ask? While we can’t legally endorse cruising in the wooded conservation land surrounding our campus, we can heartily recommend a Virginia Woolf-esque afternoon of silent contemplation in the gayzebo. The rest is your choice!

@wesleyallsbrook we’ll have the crudités and fountain pen ready for you!

@emijean37 assume the position!

SOUL CALIBUR: Ivy
Her sword is also a whip. Also: BDSM

Survey Spotlight:
“Have you seen her sword? It’s a fucking whip.” – Sub Boy Sven, 39, Andover

SUPER SMASH BROS.: Peach
Princess Peach left gays shook to their core when she took the frying pan out of the kitchen and onto the battlefield in her debut as a playable character in the first iteration of this Nintendo beat ‘em up.Our survey found she booty-bopped the competition above second and third place finishers, Zelda and Nana of the Ice Climbers. Peach stands out from our crop of KO queens as the lone fighter who doesn’t rely on that bod and instead kills us with kindness. Peach the brawler is the zenith of femininity and yet the ultimate subversion: a girly girl who can be cute, turn a look, and absolutely destroy any mustachio’d fucker who thinks she needs saving – no contest.

Survey Spotlight:
“As a femme boy growing up it was so satisfying beating the shit out of my older brothers with someone wearing heels and a pink dress. Peach handles her opponents with little more than a bustle and a parasol – she knows the importance of prop work!.” – Jason Tanaka, 22, Charlotte

MARVEL VS. CAPCOM: Storm
When the elemental goddess herself made the leap from our Saturday morning cartoons into our Dreamcasts, queers rejoiced – the queen had arrived! Rocking her signature wrist hook cape and shock of white hair, the greatest leader of the X-Men was undeniably XXX. With electricity running through her veins and the literal wind beneath her wings, Storm reminded us you can be femme and fierce – you can do ultimate 80s glamour and still stunt next season with a vest and a mohawk – there are no limits! Mother indeed provided in all categories, ranking highest in Hair, Body, Face and Dramatic Monologuing to the Sky. Rain on me, tsunami.

Survey Spotlight:
“All I ever wanted to do was be Storm and make Cyclops my bitch. That’s gay rights.” -Destinee Graham, 32, Lexington

TEKKEN: Anna Williams
As results were being tabulated it became clear that the fashion choices of a femme fightale were paramount to their success as queer objects of affection. But with so many gals in bodysuits and heels, what elevates a character to icon status? In Tekken there were many characters who exemplified the intersection of hyper-femininity and the ferocity of a capable fighter, but none of them were stunting with a phallic rocket launcher (with a thorny rose painted on the side no less) like diva villainess Anna Williams in her red opera gloves. Survey after survey put Anna’s rotating closet of costumes over her top competitors like Julia Chang (“Ok her thing is Native feathers, what else?”) and Xiaoyu (“I can’t with these basic assassins.”) From her classic ankle dress to her feathered fascinator, Anna’s versatility as a fashion queen gave her the edge in the end. Say it with us, DRAMA!

Survey Spotlight
“Anna in that zebra suit and muff combo? Devastating. I’d say if looks could kill, but she literally could kill you in that thing.” – Leroy St. James, 36, Miami

STREET FIGHTER: Cammy
This British bombshell, who single handedly turned camo from fugly to fashion, whipped votes in several categories. Subverting the machismo of the military, her iconic beret, pigtails, and leotard lewk dominated the polls. Subjects stated that Cammy’s edgy and unwholesome vibe was a life line the young misunderstood homos of yore.

Survey Spotlight:
“I had originally written down Chun-Li, but then I remembered Kylie Minogue played her in the movie and like…there’s just no question.” – Danny Tawwater, 31, Milwaukee

MORTAL KOMBAT: Sindel
The Haus of Sindel is chock full of formidable foes (all respect to Kitana, Mileena and oft forgotten Jade), but analyzing the results of our survey it was obvious: Queen Sindel was the undeniable favorite. Between her ear shattering vocals and prehensile hair that wig dreams are made of, the evil undead Queen of Edenia scored off the charts in the camp and charisma categories, areas where Kitana and Mileena both faltered. Respect for strong women of a certain age rallied theater gays, sports gays, and drag queens into an unbeatable Sindel coalition. It’s also worth noting that Mortal Kombat as a platform proved queer for it’s liberal usage of the letter “K” and coining the term “Finish Him!”

Survey Spotlight:
“Sonya Blade is a great drag name, but it’s just not queer to be a cop, you know?” – Holly Herder, 29, Santa Cruz

Our Conclusion: She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’ll kick the teeth right out of your face.

Queer Rating: The cast of Dead or Alive Extreme playing volleyball at Jacob Riis