Recently a reader wrote us with a burning question, “We’ve seen same sex urges writ large with vampires and witches, but where are all the gay ghosts?” The InQueery immediately deployed a team of undercover investigaytors to join a queer ghost hunting club in Lorton, Virginia to get to the bottom of the matter.
Inside a crumbling Victorian mansion, the ghost revealers (formerly known as ghost hunters) attempted to coax the spirit of Mabel Winthrop — a saucy society woman who was rumored to dip into both boxes at the opera house in her day—out of an 18th-century Georgian Oak grandfather clock. What transpired, ultimately, was not so much a paranormal coming out, but a bout of ghoulish gossip.
“As long as Ryan Murphy is around, we can count on ghost-on-ghost action in at least one of his Netflix series,” said Teal Clark, a revealer who uses dowsing rods to make contact beyond the veil.
“I think ghosts are about to get their True Blood moment,” exclaimed Vesper Dempsey, the club president, as she fiddled with various “presence detecting” instruments. “The paranormal pendulum is swinging toward specters, and this time I’m confident they’ll get the queering they deserve.”
As our investigaytors waited for Mabel to materialize, Alex Barry, the group’s self-proclaimed empath, told us that if there were more queer haunts on the big screen, he wouldn’t have to spend so much time poking around historic hotels and prisons looking for lost LGBTQ souls.
The only conclusion we found is that like our lesbian phantasm, we may have to wait patiently for gay ghost representation to go mainstream. In the meantime The InQueery has compiled a list of spirits who have inspired the queer community, from time immemorial to time immortal. Some are evil, some benevolent, and some are just horny. But they all know how to make an entrance, and hang on to their looks for dear afterlife.
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1. Carrigan, from Casper
While straight children found solace in the angst of a young Christina Ricci, young gays cleaved to Cathy Moriarty’s unmarried gold digger, engaged in a fabulously abusive, fully platonic relationship to her male lawyer (Eric Idle). Even after her violent death, Carrigan rocks a red lip and bodycon dress. Her first line after dying and becoming a spirit is: “…the bitch is back!” Only the truly great deserve eternal life, indeed!
2. No-Face, from Spirited Away
A curious spirit who wanders into a bathhouse and turns into an insatiable monster? Honey, we’ve been there! In a perfectly radical, anti-capitalist parable, this sweet, gender-ambiguous spectre turns beast once introduced to food and gold. Fortunately, the brave Sen teaches No-Face the powers of divestment, leading them to spend the rest of their days with the camp icon Zeniba.
3. Gozer the Gozerian, from Ghostbusters
After queering the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and possessing the body of Sigourney Weaver, this ancient malevolence turns up to rule New York in full Grace Jones/David Bowie drag. If you’re planning on an interdimensional conquest, you better lay that eyeshadow on thick, babe!
4. Moaning Myrtle, from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
A randy ghoul for the Bridget Jones age, Moaning Myrtle is always down for some magical dick, regardless of age of N.E.W.T. scores. Myrtle may be single-handedly responsible for introducing a new generation of queer youth to the art and pleasures of bathroom cruising.
5. River Barkley, from The Politician
The fluid, all-too-cool foil to Ben Platt’s Peyton, River’s curls alone deserve their own spot in a queer hall of fame, along with his white sweater sets and classically outfitted bartender getups.
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6. Juno, from Beetlejuice
Not only does Juno spend an eternity reading Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin to filth, but she does it in pearls and a chic set of Contempo Casuals! No straight man can get the best of Juno, be it a lewd Michael Keaton, a stacked team of dead football players, or Alec Baldwin in too-tight khakis. We hope she’s drinking champagne with Elaine Stritch right now!
7. Sam Wheat, from Ghost
Credit goes to any departed soul who will cross over just to meet Whoopi Goldberg. Even as a spook, Patrick Swayze never lets down his thirsty fanbase, delivering an erotic, semi-corporeal wrestling match with a young and strapping Tony Goldwyn. And who doesn’t love a spectre with a penchant for ceramics?
8. Kyra Collins, from The Sixth Sense
It’s a widely known that any character played by Misha Barton is inherently queer. But also, when it comes to gay horror, Toni Collette shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting!
9. Chad and Patrick Warwick, from American Horror Story: Murder House
When it comes to shadow selves, there’s no beating this couple. While Justin Bartha and Andrew Rannells starred as an antiseptic Obama-era gay family on Murphy’s NBC sitcom The New Normal, this hot, bickering couple moved in to FX to stir the drama and sleep around. And yes, they both take turns in the latex murder suit. Thank you for the obsession over Halloween decor, and the fun fetish murders!
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10. a) Ghost of Christmas Present, from A Christmas Carol
The original d(z)addy, this burly ghost’s Scruff profile would read: Come in and know me better man. Bare chested and adorned with a holly wreath headdress, this spirit is ready to heal you on a horny holiday night when you’re stuck with the family. He can change his size on a whim and claims to have about eighteen hundred “brothers.” Please, save it for the OnlyFans account!
10. b) Ghost of Christmas Present, from Scrooged
Like any great Carol Kane character, this Ghost of Christmas Present looks like she wandered out of the basement of a Spirit Halloween store…for the first time in decades. A delightful hag with a violent sense of humor, this fairy tells it like it is to Bill Murray’s fussy straight miser. We’d love to see her give it to Kevin Hart in the remake!
The Bottom Line: Pour a bubble bath, light some candles, set your crystals out to charge, and play Stevie Nicks’ “Seven Wonders.” You’re in this community for life, and afterlife, apparently.
Rating: Sarah Michelle Gellar’s turtleneck in The Grudge.
@zoeboats added to the files! Thank you! 🖤
@zoeboats ❗️All staff please report to the screening room! ❗️
1. (Single Rider) Post-Emmy Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Requires several novelty trophies, a low-cut number, a martini, and a wheelchair to be carted around in all night. Non-smokers may attempt to " 'ave a fag" to commit to the bit, but we caution that this will likely cause aesphyxiating fits that Waller-Bridge would find deeply uncool.
2. (Democratic Duo) Pete and Chasten: Prove the stability and “legitimacy” of your relationship by dressing as America's favorite power couple. Sure, Pete and Chasten have no distinguishing characteristics, but that’s good enough for straight people, and should be for you, too. When gay partygoers ask: "Uh…are you from Book of Mormon?," hang strong, and save your screaming matches for the car ride home.
3. (Triple Threat) Charlie's Gayngels: The gayest franchise this side of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has finally been become full lesbian IP, with none other than patron saint Kristen Stewart in the role of sexpot commando. Local girl gangs are hotly anticipating this narrative shakeup, and trios of the toughest broads you know will be dressing accordingly. All you need is peroxide, a severe high-and-tight haircut and a vaguely equestrian action uniform. *
4. (Fierce Foursome) The Squad: Got a pant suit and some heavy crimson lipsticks lying around? Looks like you’ve got everything you’ll need to be 2019’s congressional coven. Your primary challenge will be deciding who gets to play AOC.
5. (Fab Five) The Monterey Five: The Audrey and Elvis gala created a 2017 costume staple, but how will queers manage to create a cohesive group look based on season two? As Amabella’s disco-themed birthday party failed to inspire, hopefully the overarching theme of banged helmut wigs is enough of a concept to tie your group together. This season, the ladies of Monterey had a proclivity for looking cold, so grab a shawl you can clench.
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6. (Six Pack) Streep Show: You can easily make your Monterey Five a Big Sur Six with the addition of Meryl’s Mary Louise. A thrift store silk scarf and (yet another) shitty banged wig from Party City should work nicely. Oh! And don’t forget a necklace with a cross you can suck on!
7. (Sexy Septet) Sun God Realness: Billy Porter’s Camp Met Gala regalia, but make it DIY. Put six of your closest Instagays to work by having them carry you around on a discarded sidewalk mattress. Your jacked Judies may have a Halloworkout on their hands, but a couple of cans of gold spray paint and a black jumpsuit will do most of the heavy lifting.
8. (The Great Eight): The many wigs of Nicole Kidman: Hollywood’s most consistent queer icon has gone through ups, downs, Scientologists and country singers, but she’s never failed to surprise her fans—and her wigmasters. Celebrate Nicole’s triumphant 2019 with a journey through time and lace fronts, starting with the brutalist bangs of Big Little Lies; back through Aquaman’s waterproof locks; the grizzled rat’s nest of Top of the Lake; Paddington’s severe terror bob; the panicked pixie of Birth; The Hours’ drab Bloomsbury rag; Moulin Rouge’s silky scarlet tresses; and the To Die For flip that started it all. As any student of Drag Race will tell you, don’t remove your wig while performing unless you’re wearing another wig underneath it! And in this case, make sure there are seven!
9. (Nine Lives) Cats movie trailer: Where were you when it happened? Immortalize one of the year’s most talked about (and queerest) film previews by dressing up as your favorite Cats cat and creating a Jellicle Ball with a clowder of your pals. WE KNOW there are more than nine cats, but just go with it okay? It’s hard to say just how you’ll make a cat costume without access to “digital fur technology,” but good luck and… don’t fuck it up.
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10. (Dreadful Denary) The Ending of Midsommar *spoilers ahead*: This concept has been on the queer Halloween shortlist since the trailer dropped. Your gay dream of finding an application for an entire wall of dollar store fake flowers is finally coming true! The person in your friend group who has the most followers gets to be the May Queen. Unfortunately, the rest of your friends will be left playing the 9 human sacrifices.
The Bottom Line: If nothing else, Halloween is a night of heightened spiritual energy (just ask CoStar), so you might as well look your best for the universe.
Rating: Martha Stewart deveins a shrimp on Facebook Live.
