Author: wpadmin

Gay life is not what it once was. Gone is the phantasmagoric deluge of in-person awards-ceremony-viewing house parties, raves, 12-step meetings, midwifing seminars, board game nights, sex gatherings, consciousness-raising ceremonies, and poetry readings. While many of us mourn the endless social calendar that our queer lives once afforded us, some are left wondering: Where did I find the time? The energy? Could I ever do it all again? As we happily ran an aromatic bath and blasted Mazzy Star for the 30th Saturday night in a row, we began to wonder what the future holds for gays beyond the closed doors of our apartments.

Indeed, a post-vaccine world—informed by a racial reckoning, food and housing crisis, economic catastrophe and pandemic—will be brand new! But stepping into the unknown, no matter how frightening, is the bread and butter of queer life. “You open the door, to another door, to another door,” sings Caroline Polachek, in her aptly-titled song, “Door.” At the intersection of sexuality, gender, race, class and identity, there will always be more closets to come out of, more thresholds to cross, more doors to open.

And so, in honor of the transitory, mercurial nature of the ever-evolving, ever-adapting queer, The InQueery celebrates the great doors, portals, thresholds, and tunnels of the popular gay imagination. Be they barriers to deviance, passageways to dungeons, dancefloors, or dimensions beyond the prisons of straight culture, count on us to take the first step beyond.

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Chalk doors: Beetlejuice, Charmed, and Pan’s Labyrinth
For those among us who experienced claustrophobic childhoods, what better escape than drawing your way out? Ideal for old, creaky houses, unadorned bedrooms, or those with parents unappreciative of high-stakes art, this spectral passageway, once drawn on a bare wall, gives any space panache. Go on! Be creative! In the case of the Halliwell sisters on Charmed, the chalk triquetra portal enlivened a musty attic with the joy of a barber shop: You never know who’s coming to visit next! Some advice: Always remember to include a doorknob, and perhaps don’t try to make a ceiling trapdoor when you’re running for your life.

Freudian tunnels: Coraline and Alien
If we told you that on the other side of a locked door was a demonic, reality-warping, eyeless Teri Hatcher, ready to reward all your sickest Oedipal desires, would you take the bait? Of course you would. For young Coraline Jones, the first gasp of life beyond her drab straight parents comes through this lesbian birth canal, cast in fuschia and teal. Meanwhile, in other ovarian adventures, there’s Alien’s endless, abyssal tunnels, through which Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley triumphantly makes it out alive. Leave it to the androgynous heroine to be the only crewmember with any common sense, and solely (Jones the cat included) survive the chasms which literally eat men alive. She insisted on quarantine; they didn’t listen!

Gateway to paradise: X-Men comics (2019–)
When Magneto, Xavier and the rest of Marvel’s merry mutants established their own sovereign mutant nation on the sentient tropical island Krakoa, they installed a handy system of portals, throughout the world, through which any mutant may enter. And the real T? Non-mutants cannot crash the threshold. We get to waltz into our own private, fantastical Mykonos, with private gates in Tokyo, Berlin and Santa Fe. And they’re not invited.

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Into the closet: The Chronicles of Narnia
Over the many, many “productive days” spent cleaning out your closet in 2020, did you ever feel the lure to just fall in? For the budding young dandy of British fantasy, what greater rapture could await than a wardrobe packed with vintage furs, bonnetts, bustles and petticoats? (Short answer: Tilda Swinton.)

Beyond the set: The Truman Show
For Norma Desmond, there was no difference between the stage of cinema and this mortal coil bullshit, but, for Jim Carrey’s Truman Burbank, the divide between reality and artifice is quite literal: Just take the stairs to a door in the sky. Though The Truman Show prophesied the 24-hour self-branding media meatmarket which imprisons us all, it also honored that very first closet, and the lunge into the unknown required to escape it.

Password-protected: Lord of the Rings and Aladdin
Admit it, we love wordplay, we love sphinx-play, and we genuinely cannot get enough of bouncers—be they musclebound or mystical. For nimble twinks Frodo Baggins and Aladdin, mesh tops and voluminous hair aren’t enough to grant passage, so you better be clever! The ideal portal for the Party Monster or Party Girl is bound with ancient magic and high taste.

Doors of fate: Sliding Doors
“Is this really my life? Is this really my lover? Is this really my haircut?” Such are the questions that regularly plague all delusional faggots with cinematic dreams of grandeur. In the case of Gwyneth Paltrow, the opening or closing of a London tube makes all the difference between drab life as she knows it and the possibilities of new love, liberation, and a pixie cut that defined a generation. Did you miss your chance to become a star? Maybe, maybe not.

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Doorways to horror: Monsters, Inc. and The Shining
Terror starts at home! Don’t let any breeder tell you that there’s safety in the confines of the domestic. Straight men cannot be trusted, be they matted beasts of the PIXAR variety, or matted beasts of the Jack Nicholson variety. If you’re back home with the family for the course of the pandemic, don’t forget to sleep with an axe under your pillow.

Rips in reality: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Donnie Darko
Gashes in time and space, tears into the void, and general openings into abject hell don’t scare us. Bring on your crashing planes and demon scourge of the apocalypse; it couldn’t be any worse than the drip-drip of being here. Ideal for great leaps of martyrdom, peacing-out before 11th grade final exams, or being cast away into a fiery exile, these violations of reality always give us something exciting to focus on, and, once in a while, provide for a lovely impromptu vacation.

Our Conclusion: Down the rabbit hole =straight; Through the looking glass = queer.

Queer Rating: The carved portal to Easter Town in Nightmare Before Christmas

It’s a rather unconventional October here at The InQueery research labs. At this stage of any other cycle solaris our cultural analytics team would be poring over the sartorial tragedies of another summer party season, and ramping up for the pièce de résistance of bad behavior: All Hallows’ Eve. In the wake of a pandemic and in the shadow of the likely end of the democratic experiment, this year’s night of mischief and masquerade hits a bit differently. At some point, we have to ask: When the world is undergoing such an extreme metamorphosis, why must gays do Halloween?

“Look, they’re addicted to tragedy,” said Susan Godfrey, consulting cultural curator for The InQueery. “The great heroes of the queer canon always dress up and turn out no matter how dire the situation. Think Norma Desmond in her turban; Debbie Reynolds in those fucking gold-beaded dresses dancing at casinos until she died; Naomi Campbell stomping it in Dolce & Gabana to community service. There’s a defiance in dressing up, especially when the heteronormative world does not call for it.” In salute to the queers who intend on showing up, even via Zoom, in a full lewk, The InQueery has assembled our picks for next-level 2020 costumes.

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1. "Wet"
Who knew moisture was going to have such a moment this year? Gaga and Ariana kicked off the summer with the aquatic power anthem “Rain on Me,” inspiring a cascade of Little Monsters to grab the hose in an act of sopping solidarity. Another fishy twosome, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, had us all drooling for some WAP! WAP! WAP! later in the year, inspiring the good folx of the internet to show off their own water-bending (and bussy-basting) skills.

In the safety of your backyard or tub, fill as many water balloons as you'd like, tie them on a string and drape your aquatic garland around you a la Britney with a snake, and presto! You’re now a water-balloon-clad slut in the dead of autumn. Whether you're at a socially distanced drag show or in the comfort of your own well-drained home, pop those bébés throughout the night and get it wet and gushy!

2. Literally any character who wears a mask

If you simply must go out this Halloween, make your mask the centerpiece of your costume, so that you’ll keep it the fuck on. Did you finally binge Watchmen after months of everyone telling you it’s amazing? Regina King in a mask paired with a hooded cloak? Yes. Do you watch The Masked Singer? Have at any one of those monstrosities. You remember Sugar & Spice? What could be more fun than Mena Suvari robbing a bank in a cheerleader mask. Try Tom Hardy in half his films (hot). Think about the sandswept ladies of Portrait of a Lady on Fire (HOT). Think about full Hazmat Meryl in Silkwood (literally too hot). You could even go lip-sync Valentina if you’re really out of ideas. One thing's for sure: if you’re not mask4mask, no treats and certainly no tricks!

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3. That pile of clothes on your floor

Nightlife may come and go, restaurants close and reopen, but there's one constant in your life… that pile of clothes on your floor. This Halloween, don't put them away—put them on! That Scotch & Soda top your mother bought you that you wear for your work zooms? It's a cape now. That Yale sweater you stole from the guy you fucked who lives by Gramercy? Also a cape. You’ve returned time and again to your unwashed 2017 Betty Who concert tee and left last year’s RealReal splurge in the back of the closet. Your pile has seen it all and stood by you, even when all your friends left the city. Do what any friend would do and say thanks with a tribute!

4. Miley Cyrus’ 2020 look

Been through a lot this year? Celebrate your shakeups by toasting the unsinkable queen of revivals, comebacks, and reinventions. In January, Miley finalized her divorce from Liam Hemsworth, and now she’s rocking a chic mullet, wearing diamonds over her gloves, and sounding better than ever. Whether you moved home with mom and dad, broke up with “the one,” or were furloughed and then fired, let Miley inspire you to shake off your malaise. Advise your roommate to let loose when buzzing your mullet; go hard in the Sally Beauty Supply peroxide section; and blast Blondie until you can’t stop. Now more than ever, the world needs you to look hot and reap revenge.

5. The Fly

In any other year, you wouldn’t be caught dead in such an obvious costume as The Fly That Landed on Mike Pence’s Hair in the Debate. But with no parties to attend this year, there’s no reason you can’t go full Topical Reference and adorn yourself with glittery wings, jeweled eyes, an N95 proboscis and a tote bag full of eggs to lay one at time all over the scalp of someone who doesn’t deserve to live. The way this fly swooped in, stole the spotlight and distracted an anxious nation? You couldn’t pick a gayer costume if you dressed as Moira Rose again. As you wash your hands throughout the night, you can think about that darling way the flies are always rubbing their little mits together. And lucky you, your partner’s Joe Biden Fly Swatter just arrived in the mail…

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6. The STDs you didn’t contract

It’s been a long year, and for the few remaining singletons among us, there may have been some close calls on Grindr, or at your ex’s “chill” backyard hang-turned-witch-orgy. Indeed, if earlier this year you felt a bit uncouth mentioning to a heterosexual Zoom engagement party that you’d just vomited up your gonorrhea medication, now is the time to release the shame! As the rest of the ghouls and phantasms of our subconscious come out to play on Halloween night, exorcise your own sexual demons by dressing as them! Turn up as a chiffon jellyfish, in honor of the giardia lamblia you hoped to contract in Fire Island. Glue some festive pipe cleaners to your backside, and call it chlamydia! Consider it a casting away of your sins, or, as queer tradition calls for, a fond embrace of the abject.

Our Conclusion: Slap on a pussycat wig, pour yourself a stiff one and just watch Practical Magic.

Queer Rating: A dark power is about to rise in Sunnydale.

The one-two bitch slap of missing both E3 in June and Comic Con in July has left The InQueery bereft with grief. Important research regarding the intersection of gaymer and cruising culture has been postponed, not to mention the indefinite delay of our collaboration with the CW and Texas Instruments.

All is not lost, however. Just like Britney Spears’ Mood Ring (By Demand), we have our very own bonus track of research from E3 that will hopefully tide us over until we can safely makeout in cosplay the next time we’re in San Diego.

Between announcements of a Dance Dance Revolution relaunch and Cats: The Musical: The Game, The InQueery's Games and Recreation Department was scheduled to host a panel on “Fierce Femme Fightales: The Foundations of the Moderne Gaymer.” The panel was formed to present the findings of a formal survey of over 10,000 gaymers from around the country who were each asked one question: Who were the female fighting characters that made you the queer you are today?

E3 be damned, we proudly present to you our findings. Here’s to the ladies who punch!

METROID: Samus
Gays love nothing more than a good reveal, and there is none more legendary in gayming history than Samus Aran’s at the end of 1986’s Metroid. This butch bio queen had us all gagged when she stepped out of her power suit and into the queer canon. The anti-damsel in distress, this bounty hunter represents the quiet and capable queers who didn’t need to be flashy to kick ass.

Survey Spotlight:
“She wears this exoskeleton to protect herself, and it looks hard and masculine, but that’s just her armor. What queer kid doesn’t relate to that?” -Jasmine Macias, 29, Portland

SOUL CALIBUR: Ivy
Her sword is also a whip. Also: BDSM

Survey Spotlight:
“Have you seen her sword? It’s a fucking whip.” – Sub Boy Sven, 39, Andover

SUPER SMASH BROS.: Peach
Princess Peach left gays shook to their core when she took the frying pan out of the kitchen and onto the battlefield in her debut as a playable character in the first iteration of this Nintendo beat ‘em up.Our survey found she booty-bopped the competition above second and third place finishers, Zelda and Nana of the Ice Climbers. Peach stands out from our crop of KO queens as the lone fighter who doesn’t rely on that bod and instead kills us with kindness. Peach the brawler is the zenith of femininity and yet the ultimate subversion: a girly girl who can be cute, turn a look, and absolutely destroy any mustachio’d fucker who thinks she needs saving – no contest.

Survey Spotlight:
“As a femme boy growing up it was so satisfying beating the shit out of my older brothers with someone wearing heels and a pink dress. Peach handles her opponents with little more than a bustle and a parasol – she knows the importance of prop work!.” – Jason Tanaka, 22, Charlotte

MARVEL VS. CAPCOM: Storm
When the elemental goddess herself made the leap from our Saturday morning cartoons into our Dreamcasts, queers rejoiced – the queen had arrived! Rocking her signature wrist hook cape and shock of white hair, the greatest leader of the X-Men was undeniably XXX. With electricity running through her veins and the literal wind beneath her wings, Storm reminded us you can be femme and fierce – you can do ultimate 80s glamour and still stunt next season with a vest and a mohawk – there are no limits! Mother indeed provided in all categories, ranking highest in Hair, Body, Face and Dramatic Monologuing to the Sky. Rain on me, tsunami.

Survey Spotlight:
“All I ever wanted to do was be Storm and make Cyclops my bitch. That’s gay rights.” -Destinee Graham, 32, Lexington

TEKKEN: Anna Williams
As results were being tabulated it became clear that the fashion choices of a femme fightale were paramount to their success as queer objects of affection. But with so many gals in bodysuits and heels, what elevates a character to icon status? In Tekken there were many characters who exemplified the intersection of hyper-femininity and the ferocity of a capable fighter, but none of them were stunting with a phallic rocket launcher (with a thorny rose painted on the side no less) like diva villainess Anna Williams in her red opera gloves. Survey after survey put Anna’s rotating closet of costumes over her top competitors like Julia Chang (“Ok her thing is Native feathers, what else?”) and Xiaoyu (“I can’t with these basic assassins.”) From her classic ankle dress to her feathered fascinator, Anna’s versatility as a fashion queen gave her the edge in the end. Say it with us, DRAMA!

Survey Spotlight
“Anna in that zebra suit and muff combo? Devastating. I’d say if looks could kill, but she literally could kill you in that thing.” – Leroy St. James, 36, Miami

STREET FIGHTER: Cammy
This British bombshell, who single handedly turned camo from fugly to fashion, whipped votes in several categories. Subverting the machismo of the military, her iconic beret, pigtails, and leotard lewk dominated the polls. Subjects stated that Cammy’s edgy and unwholesome vibe was a life line the young misunderstood homos of yore.

Survey Spotlight:
“I had originally written down Chun-Li, but then I remembered Kylie Minogue played her in the movie and like…there’s just no question.” – Danny Tawwater, 31, Milwaukee

MORTAL KOMBAT: Sindel
The Haus of Sindel is chock full of formidable foes (all respect to Kitana, Mileena and oft forgotten Jade), but analyzing the results of our survey it was obvious: Queen Sindel was the undeniable favorite. Between her ear shattering vocals and prehensile hair that wig dreams are made of, the evil undead Queen of Edenia scored off the charts in the camp and charisma categories, areas where Kitana and Mileena both faltered. Respect for strong women of a certain age rallied theater gays, sports gays, and drag queens into an unbeatable Sindel coalition. It’s also worth noting that Mortal Kombat as a platform proved queer for it’s liberal usage of the letter “K” and coining the term “Finish Him!”

Survey Spotlight:
“Sonya Blade is a great drag name, but it’s just not queer to be a cop, you know?” – Holly Herder, 29, Santa Cruz

Our Conclusion: She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’ll kick the teeth right out of your face.

Queer Rating: The cast of Dead or Alive Extreme playing volleyball at Jacob Riis

As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to enforce a home-based lifestyle The InQueery’s Games and Recreation Department has been hard at work analyzing what titles the queer video game community is flocking to. Based on streams of popular Twitch channels and comments left on the r/gaymers subreddit, a staggering 94% of the population reported seeking comfort in Animal Crossing: New Horizons (ACNH), released this March for the Nintendo Switch.

We spoke with Brooklyn-based art director Ty Clampton, who said of his time in isolation before discovering ACNH, “It got to the point where I’d forgotten how to 'yaaaaas!'” Clampton spent the first days of quarantine sipping Aperol spritzes and sewing face masks out of last year’s Halloween lamé, but was desperately missing his “Judies.” “What I found in playing ACNH was a familiar feeling: the ability to choose my family, be they a hot-pink rhino or a frog wearing Haus Laboratories’ latest lip liner.”

In ACNH, gamers take on the role of a human villager who moves to a deserted island with the help of Tom Nook, a raccoon real estate mogul (more on him later). Nook asks that you persuade villagers to join your island community and commit to improving the overall quality of life. Apart from recruiting new neighbors, one catches butterflies, builds a museum’s collection, decorates a house, cultivates rare flowers, and embarks to DIY everything: all of the interests typically provoked by one week in Provincetown or Key West.

While some denizens of your budding queer utopia will delight—Merry the Cat talking about her favorite lesbian comic book or Antonio the Antearer assessing and complimenting your muscles—there are bound to be characters whose personalities may leave you button-mashing for the distress reaction. We’ve taken a look at several of these prominent characters and their…quirks.

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Tom Nook, The Gay Mafia Boss – As head of Resident Services on your island, Tom Nook promises alarmingly swift house upgrades in exchange for labor. This only lasts for so long, as he starts to demand large sums of bells (the animal world’s currency), or Nook Miles (a quantified achievement currency) before any new construction project can break ground. Although he offers you constant encouragement and gifts like a “free” smartphone (with closely monitored GPS), Nook’s nice-guy talk always ends with a coda that basically translates to, “Where’s my goddamn money!” And there’s no question of who runs the real estate cabal. Whichever far-flug island you may travel to, villagers all seem to know this racoon tycoon. The question is, when they hear his name, do they shudder in fear or in fawn in adoration?

Gulliver, The Messy Hookup – We first meet this busted bird when he washes ashore with nothing but a sailor’s outfit and a broken phone. Think Castaway meets Fleet Week. Once awakened, Gulliver groggily asks for help finding the missing parts for his phone. Upon returning the lost pieces, he appears to get right on The Apps™, sending his location to an undisclosed party…typical!

Wilbur and Orville, The Cloying Instagay Couple – As heads of the efficient “Dodo Airlines,” Orville runs the front desk with the help of his headset and early-aughts gay haircut. His partner, Wilbur, is an enviably cool pilot for their fleet of seaplanes. Business aside, these two have a palpable connection, exemplified by their seemingly endless supply of pet names for one another (“Bell Bottom synth-pop, this is stovetop kaleidoscope, do you require assistance? Over.”) At first, it’s cute, but by your fifth flight, it’s like we GET IT, you’re together, just take us to tarantula island!

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Celeste, The Drag Mother – Celeste, a starry-eyed, pink-plumaged owl is ACNH’s answer to the contemporary witchcraft zeitgeist. Chani Nicholas, you have company. Aside from sharing her love of the cosmos, Celeste teases you with a recipe for a item Cher Horowitz would die for: a star-topped wand that gives you the ability to turn out eight different #lewks with a flick of the wrist. Thing is, making one of these sartorial scepters requires that you wish upon a star, which couldn’t sound dreamier but is actually a real bitch.

Flick, The Obsessed Artist – Flick is a pierced, leather-clad chameleon wielding a studded net who appears on your island in search of the perfect “soul bug” and its “appendages” to inspire his art. Consider the rough-hewn look of Lisbeth Salander in Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, but with the approach of an art school dilettante. From the get-go we learn that Flick has ample bells to spare in exchange for any bugs you catch. But this begs the question: is there a high price tag for commissioned beetle busts, or is someone dipping into their trust fund a little early?

C.J.,The Queer Baiter – Tackle isn’t the only bait C.J., the social media and fish-loving beaver, is serving. As if the requirements for his fishing tournament weren’t annoying enough, his use of the word “partner” when referring to Flick, has the exhausting punch of two seasons’ worth of “just fuck already!” on Killing Eve.

Saharah, The Shady Lady – A worldly textile merchant, Saharah the camel visits the island at random to hawk her rugs and wallpapers. This butch icon sports an embroided teal vest, luxuriously long lashes, and feathered bangs that would send Angel Olsen packing. Though she has style, she’s scant on substance: no matter what rug you buy, it’s always her “favorite.” Her “buy blind” business model isn’t the most ethical, but label something “mysterious” and queers can’t help themselves!

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Wisp, The Baby Gay – Whether you’re out late at night prowling for fireflies or stumbling home from a fête, you’re bound to cross paths with this easily-spooked specter. It isn’t his fault his name lisps for you! He’s a sensitive ghost, capable of literally losing himself in the presence of others (we’ve all been there). Retrieve his phantasmal parts and Wisp will pay you for your troubles by offering something new or something “expensive.” We think Wisp’s sugar daddy is the one to thank.

K.K. Slider, The Pandering Pop Star – Meet the Sheryl Crow of the animal world: a chill-vibes-only dog with no discernible clothes and the thickest brows in the biz. Upon completion of the first leg of the game, Slider will visit your island to perform a special acoustic guitar set. Fusing the sounds of the Indigo Girls, K.D. Lang, and the aliens from Toy Story , this dog’s trick is giving queer audiences exactly what they came for.

Our Conclusion: It wouldn’t be a chosen family if some members didn’t drive you to wield an axe against a tree every once in a while.

Queer Rating: C.J. Craig falling into a pool on The West Wing.

@caraholland you always taught us to lead by eggzample!

While COVID-19 has held much of the population in lockdown, The InQueery has been fast at work collecting the accounts of gays from across the socioeconomic spectrum. Based on our digital surveys, it seems that queers of all sorts are pivoting to seclusion.

“Compared to straights, gays are faring relatively well in these conditions,” says The InQueery's cultural anthropologist, Dr. Beth Krantz. “Perhaps it’s because they are used to staying home and watching The View. Or, just theorizing, every gay person is an only child at heart. I can’t really speculate.”

To better understand the sequestered gay lifestyle, we consulted The InQueery's head of film and media research, Alan Korn-Schlessinger. “There’s certainly precedent for this behavior,” Korn-Schlessinger noted. “Queer film, literature, and history abounds with gay heroes who, when faced with societal oppression, choose to shelter in place.” Could it be, that by immersing ourselves in our favorite gay movies we’ve been training for a life lived indoors?

To help you find inspiration for a fabulously cloistered lifestyle, we’ve compiled a list of the essential queer canon shut-ins—from clean freaks with a vision, to Roald Dahl-esque aunties. Stay in, keep your hands clean, and take good care of your bird: We’re playing the long game!

Sheila Jackson, Shameless (Showtime and Netflix) – While Fiona, Frank, and the rest of the Gallagher family indulged in filthy yet endearing hijinks in Chicago’s South Side, Joan Cusack’s Sheila rightly chose to stay indoors. As the heart-pure optimist and hardcore agoraphobic Sheila, Joan got to indulge in classic set pieces of clean-freakery gone manic. But perhaps her paralyzing fear of stepping foot outdoors, played for comedy during the Obama years, could be viewed as instructional in these uncertain times. While you’re at it, take note of her comprehensive fixation on strap-ons and pegging equipment—it’s never too dire for some at-home pegging!

Big and Little Edie, Grey Gardens (1975 documentary on Amazon Prime, 2009 narrative movie on HBO) – We’ve all known (or been) that girl in the scene: Once fabulous, and perhaps now a little out of it, but still serving tea like we’re at the center of the universe. Enter Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale, aunt of former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Sure, she lived in a racoon-infested hovel with her daughter for decades, with nearly no outside contact, but that doesn’t mean she’s going out quietly. “I had my cake, loved it, masticated it, chewed it, and had everything I wanted!” C’est bon! And don’t sleep on her daughter, Little Edie, who won’t let the bloodline fixation on social alienation stop her from pursuing her cabaret dreams, little by little, day by day, even if it means a low-stakes flag show on July 4th or a sensible catwalk for all the feral felines to see.

Miss Havisham, Great Expectations – What’s so gay about literature’s most infamous shut-in? Besides the fact that she’s been played by Anne Bancroft, Charlotte Rampling, Gillian Anderson, and Helena Bonham Carter, Miss Havisham has all the camp, tragedy, and counter-culture we want in a queen. Confined in a dilapidated mansion and wearing her tatty wedding dress decades after getting jilted at the altar, Miss Havisham offers more elegant decay than a McQueen runway!

Carol White, Safe (Criterion Collection) – Leave it to Todd Haynes and Julianne Moore to make sense of how ill-equipped self-help culture and the American Dream are when it comes to disease, death, and the abject chaos of contemporary life. Is Moore’s Carol experiencing a sudden allergic response to the chemicals, pesticides, and airborne effluvium of post-industrial Los Angeles…or is it something more? If you see the current moment as, at its best, a chance for reflecting on what got us here and what is very wrong with the society we live in, consider Carol White your Cassandra.

Vivian & Lily Charles, Pushing Daisies (Amazon Prime) – After surviving the end of their synchronized swimming career and the perils of male gaslighting, sisters and former “Darling Mermaid Darlings” Vivian and Lily Charles embarked on a new life indoors, raising their orphaned niece Charlotte in a male-free paradise. What’s not to love: a walk-in freezer of rare smoked cheeses; birds to raise, and, eventually, stuff and mount; morning, midday, and evening martinis; and, most notably, secrets that are decades in the keeping? For queers hiding out from the catastrophic consequences of a male government and a disease-spreading populace, the Charles sisters remind us: Keep your loved ones close and your eye-patches sanitized.

The Phantom and V, The Phantom of the Opera and V for Vendetta (Netflix) – Though the Phantom sets up shop beneath the Paris Opera House in the 19th century and V makes his home in the London underground of a dystopian future, both outcasts fit the same mold: Hide away from a cruel world; design a fabulously baroque cave of culture; seduce an ingenue into a lifestyle of darkness and free will; and wear all black, all the time, like you’re an assistant at fashion week. Immortalized by high-budget gay auteurs Andrew Lloyd Webber (technically straight) and the Wachowskis, respectively, these sequestered seducers prove you can do a lot with some well-placed candles and Ella Fitzgerald records. Consider these two your inspiration when it comes time to papier-mâché our own outdoor-contact masks.

Our Conclusion: Be like Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard: Stay big, and stay ready.

Rating: Kathy Bates’s hair in Misery

@wyattfenner bless you, our child 💗

This year’s Oscar nominations caused the usual uproar; once again the Academy’s pledge to acknowledge and reward more diverse contributions went unheeded. It’s been pointed out at length that #OscarsStillSoWhite and #OscarsStillSoMale, but what struck those of us at The InQueery was that, repeatedly, #OscarsSoStraight.

Sure, there have been straighter eras in Oscar history, but a cursory look at the nominees in any other recent year reveals at least three films that are undeniably out and proud. According to our research, one would have to look back to at least 2005, when Million Dollar Baby and The Aviator reigned supreme, to find a crop of nominees so bereft of queerness. Which got us wondering—where would this year’s pictures fall on the Kinsey Scale?

The InQueery acknowledges that the Kinsey Scale is sorely lacking as a tool of measurement in today’s queer landscape: It doesn’t capture the intersecting arrays of human sexuality, relies too heavily on the gender binary…and frankly, six is a weird number to use for ranking things. That said, nobody who wants a nuanced discourse comes to the table for Oscars tea. These rankings are based on polling conducted at The InQueery’s Media Institute, and are not definitive, but rather a rough approximation based on our sample size. As a reminder, zero represents “exclusively heterosexual,” with six at the opposite end indicating “exclusively homosexual,” and separate from the scale continuum; a rating of X equals “no socio-sexual contacts or reactions.”

0. Richard Jewell: Living legend Kathy Bates is relegated to playing the “long suffering wife or mother” character. We thought that trend ended when Laura Linney played Alfred Kinsey’s partner.

0. Joker: It’s basically the story of a standup comedian and how his mommy issues drive him to kill, right? Straight!

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0. The Irishman: The InQueery could not find a single queer person who would admit to having seen this film, though all agreed that this was unequivocally the straightest in the bunch.

0. Ford v Ferrari: The only thing that could’ve saved this car movie would be a simmering sexual tension between Matt Damon and Christian Bale, but they just don’t seem that into each other?

.5 Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood: A movie about Sharon Tate and the Manson family should be way more fun and femme than this. We preferred The Haunting of Sharon Tate, starring Lizzie Maguire and Aaron Samuels from Mean Girls. This film almost makes a one for Brad Pitt’s gratuitous shirtless buddy scenes.

1. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood: The thing we always liked about Mister Rogers is that he represented a different sort of masculinity, one that allows men to be caring and in touch with their feelings. The focus on the GQ writer unfortunately knocked this back to a rating of one.

1. Marriage Story: Heteronormativity is literally in the title. Might as well be Boring Straight Upwardly Mobile Marriage Story. We’re giving this a one, though, for Laura Dern basically playing her character from Big Little Lies.

1. 1917: War movies are painfully straight, but they can sometimes be salvaged by a subtle undercurrent of homoeroticism. 1917 doesn’t go in that direction, and our audiences found the illusion of the single take uninspired. Rope did the same thing way back in 1948, and that movie has nearly Hays code-breaking levels of queerness.

2. Jojo Rabbit: Someone heard “Springtime for Hilter” from The Producers and decided a Nazi farce wasn’t a totally doomed concept.

2. Harriet: We think there’s room in the history books for a queering of Harriet Tubman, but this was a pretty direct historical reenactment. Points awarded for the inclusion of Janelle Monae.

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3.5. Little Women: We stan a film that’s so femme-focused, and Little Women is a very queer story of sisterhood, including not depicting a single kiss between Jo and Laurie. Greta Gerwig can get it. But period pieces that are all about everyone nestled by the fire and being excited that mother’s coming home will always remain a little stiff and straight.

4. Parasite: Anything about class warfare and family secrets has a bit of a queer bent, but particularly if it’s coming from the guy who gave us a fucking indoor secret garden aboard a train in Snowpiercer. Extra points for the use of peach dust as a poison.

4. Bombshell: The full length movie never quite matched the excitement of the trailer, but queer points awarded for Kate McKinnon’s closet-liberal and barely closeted gay character Jess Carr, and Charlize Theron’s makeup artist.

5.5 Pain and Glory: The only film nominated this year that’s actually by a gay person, however points were dedcuted for the straight actor playing a gay protagonist.

6. Judy: A biopic of the original and most enduring gay icon should be a slam dunk. Unfortunately, Zellweger wasn’t quite good enough to make this great, and worse, not bad enough to qualify this for midnight movie infamy.

X. The Two Popes: The Catholic Church: and all its accoutrements are pretty queer, but we can’t think of a less-sexual premise than a movie about two elderly celibate men wearing stupid hats and pontif-icating (pun intended).

Rating: The wickedly talented, one and only Adele Dazeem.

In celebration of the holiday season, The InQueery has surveyed queers in all 50 states (and Puerto Rico) on the Christmas movies they revisit year after year. Our team was stunned to discover that though gay viewers are happy to rewatch films about good will and cheer, they’re absolutely devoted to the horrors who come down the chimney to terrorize otherwise happy families.

“Krampus was the first time I felt seen by a Christmas movie,” said Veruca D’Andrea, 29, a tattoo artist from Asheville, North Carolina. “My family always makes me feel like a beast when I walk through the front door on Christmas eve, so why not embrace that?”

For queers made to feel like outliers by families who subscribe to a heterofascist ideology, representations of monsters and cryptids blowing the yuletide to smithereens can be liberating. To further assist in holiday healing, The InQueery has rounded up the most essential cinematic queer beasts of the season.

Oogie Boogie, The Nightmare Before Christmas – While the emaciated, emo-identifying Jack Skellington tries to make Christmas work, no matter the cost, he leaves a bound-and-gagged Santa Claus in the care of this boogeyman. A sentient mass of insects bound by a burlap sack, zaftig party girl Oogie Boogie spends his Christmas gambling with Santa’s life. In terms of high-stakes theatrics, he’s a regular Julie Taymor!

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The Mothman, The Mothman Prophecies – When marooned in a dumpy West Virginia Town, what’s a fabulous winged demon supposed to do? While flying around looking for a queer holiday swap, our lofty harbinger of doom spots none other than Debra Messing (!), and incidentally kills her with his blood-red eyes. What can we say, he got excited! The Mothman then sets out to terrorize Laura Linney and Richard Gere as December 25th draws near—likely a pre-emptive strike on her character’s bullshit in Love, Actually just one year later; now that’s a prophecy! After some last-minute holiday shopping, Linney’s car takes an icy plunge into the river courtesy of the Mothman, leaving her floating among beautifully wrapped holiday gifts This demon knows the power of a gay fucking tableau!

The Penguin, Batman Returns – After being born a little different, the young Oswald Cobblepot was tossed in the river on Christmas Eve by his blue-blood parents. Decades later, Cobblepot returns, as the Penguin to repeat the crimes done against him writ large, upon all the first born children of Gotham. And who among us hasn’t been there? With three fingers, black bile, and a taste for raw fish, Danny DeVito’s Penguin is a hero for those of us who have never quite fit in at the family dinner table. And though he’s cursed to wallow forever in the sewers, he elects for underground life in style—with giant rubber ducks, colorful weaponized umbrellas, and a delightful crew of homicidal carnies. He’s still getting our vote for mayor!

Krampus – Whenever queer icon Toni Collette tries to play a good, heteronormative mom, you know some dark shit is about to go down. In The Sixth Sense, it was dead people; In Hereditary, it was that pesky Paimon; and in Krampus, it’s the cloven-hooved shadow sibling of Saint Nicholas. Just as the Babadook emerged as the queer icon of 2017’s pride season, so has this film’s incarnation of the Bavarian folk story inspired legions of gays to be out and proud at their family celebrations. With a long beard, rippling abs, chains and a loincloth, he’s more fit for a BDSM dungeon than a midnight mass—and he’s not ashamed to show it!

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The Gremlins – Released in the wild west era of the early 80s before the implementation of the PG-13 rating, Gremlins is that rare children’s movie featuring satanic elf monsters who torture and murder women and children with glee! The Gremlins exposed generations of children to the dark animus to Christmas consumerism. Along with Phoebe Cates’ character, who confesses that her father, dressed as Santa, got stuck in a chimney and died, the Gremlins ensured that no child would ever sleep soundly again come Christmas Eve. And that’s how we like it!

Meredith Morton, The Family Stone – Crashing like a wrecking ball into Diane Keaton’s idyllic New England Christmas is this Manhattanite battle axe, “the bigoted bitch from Bedford,” played with ice-water chill by Sarah Jessica Parker. Totally misplaced and absolutely sinking herself deeper, Meredith is the ultimate outsider. But, by the sheer force of “I’m Still Here” chutzpah that any queer can celebrate, she sticks around, helps the Stone family cope, and bed-hops from Dermot Mulroney to Luke Wilson, both in their primes. Sure, her rant about gay adoption is unforgivable, but her heart was in the right place, which can’t be said for her shady sister Claire.

The Bottom Line: Until Elsa gets can go homo for the holidays, we’ll keep putting out the milk and cookies for this lot of naughty Noel miscreants.

Rating: Molly Shannon’s hot chocolate headdress in How the Grinch Stole Christmas.