When it comes to same-sex baggage, the canvas tote is the G.O.A.T. (Gayest of All Time). Its sheer ubiquity renders it invisible to the average people-watcher, but the trained eye suspects there is more to this cloth accessory than its contents. The queer subtext conveyed by the simple tote and how it's carried has long eluded researchers, but here at The InQueery, we’ve mastered the art of reading too deeply into the purely practical. To that end, senior field investigaytor, Peter McGarry, embedded himself among the toters of our nation’s major metropolitan gayreas, tracking them from the bookstore to the brunch line, until at last the patterns began to emerge.
“It’s like the hanky code grew up and subscribed to too many magazines,” says McGarry. “These bags don’t just hold an unread copy of The Song of Achilles and half-eaten Rx bars. They carry layers of meaning that anyone can learn to see.” This strapping staple need not be white noise on your gaydar.
With our cutting-edge guide, you’ll know when their bagger swagger is saying “I’m a tee-totealer” or “Yes we canvas.”
The Carry Bradshaw – At once inviting and distancing, this hold is perfect for the toter starring in their own narrative. Generally characterized by a bend in the elbow where the bag dangles freely, this position acts as a counterweight to various props held in the slightly outstretched hand. A phone may indicate a life-altering FaceTime conversation or a breaking Insta story update on the new @kimpetras Halloween album. You may spot a paper-wrapped farmers market bouquet (ingenue), a walkman (dreamer), or an iced coffee* (warrior). Consider yourself welcome to initiate contact, but don’t expect to be anything more than a cameo in this carrier’s story.
*For an in-depth breakdown of Iced-Coffee holds please refer to The InQueery’s Sept 2nd dispatch.
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The Sleight of Hand – Variation in hand placement can signify critical differences in the carrier’s culture, attitude and ambulatory intentions. If the carry arm is gently dropped in front, it is safe to approach. If you see one hand raised to clutch the straps, this toter is poised to initiate warp speed—walking on a mission, with little regard for nearby lolligaggers. Do not disturb.
The Fairytale Fling – This carry’s distinct single-finger over-the-back hold can be traced back to the come-hither gesture made famous by witches & wood nymphs of yore, luring unsuspecting travelers from their paths. When paired with a casual glance over the shoulder, this carry is irresistible. By the time you’ve sniffed the poppers within the tote, the spell will be cast.
The Downward Drape – A rare, relaxed hold. Notable for the clean line of the bag, hanging from a loose arm and suspended just barely off of the ground. This carrier has found momentary inner peace, and is ready for a gentle encounter with you or another enlightened toter leaving their Kundalini class. Not to be confused with The Savasana Slump, an emergency hold in which the bag fully drags on the ground. This tote life can be hard, and baby, they just need a minute.
Addendum – The Branded Bag – Should you experience body language blindness, our quick-reference logo guide can help you cut to the chase.
The New Yorker – Fuck me; I read.
The Strand – Fuck me; I read *books*. Bon Appetit – Wake up to breakfast.
NPR – Wake up to a clock radio.
Brooklinen – Easily influenced by advertising, but still worth the sleepover. *
The Bottom Line: Why pay for a pro account when you can bag someone with a 99 cent @Muji tote.
Rating: Twisting your ankle on cobblestone
@mystery_blonde we’re waiting on several angel investments before we can launch the tote line.
@wendyowood A true Canvas Queen 💼👑
@devilishly_yours when employing the Bradshaw one simply doesn’t try to look confident, one *is* confident.
“It always felt like it was calling to me, like a bug-zapper to a mosquito” says a trans-femme North Carolinian visiting their childhood gazebo, which sits next to their small town’s claim to fame: Rose Hill’s World’s Largest Frying Pan. “The whole town would be frying truckloads of chicken legs and I’d just lay on the creaky floor looking up at the bony rafters. There were carpenter ants, but it was worth it to be alone.”
“I love building ‘em,” says an otter and full-time gazebo builder in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin. “My favorite part is when I get to string lights all over them during the holidays. I might have even fucked for the first time under one*…”
“The ‘lion and lamb’ bit was the only way we could really put our relationship into words,” says an engaged, full-time Twilight cosplaying lesbian couple from Vancouver, who constructed a backyard replica of the fairy-lit gazebo from Bella and Edward’s prom. “We’re pushing up our wedding date,” the cast-laden half of the couple says, “because I broke my ankle last week running through the woods. It’d be too authentic of a scene for our friends and family to miss.”
The Bottom Line: Any structure, permanent or temporary, which appears, without fail, in every episode of The Great British Baking Show, and has hosted multiple uses of the term “soggy bottom,” is, empirically, gay.
Rating: Queer Regency anti-wedding wedding at Mar-a-Lago on the eve of the 2020 Presidential Election.
*The InQueery's Wisconsin satellite bureau conducted extensive grass-roots research regarding the previous claim, but was unable to corroborate its legitimacy.